One girl among a bunch of boys

His Mighty Warrior

2012-02-07T20:55:00.003-06:00

When we realized that our bedtime routine needed a little tweaking, we headed to a local Christian book store. We had dozens of little-kid Bible story books, and probably half a dozen adult Bibles, but Zach is really in-between the two at this point. He can just about quote the little-kid stories, but he doesn't know how to apply the adult Bible (which he's very interested in) to his life.

Enter... Incredible devotionals for really neat boys!

We bought several different books the other day, but his very favorite is His Mighty Warrior. I cannot say enough great things about this book! For each topic, there is scripture, a letter from God to his Mighty Warrior (what little boy wouldn't love that?), and a prayer for the child to incorporate into their prayer life.

Love, love, love these devotionals! They are prompting such deep discussions among our family and with our Heavenly Father. This book is incredible.

After I'd jotted down the kids' prayer lists tonight, Zach just did not feel finished... He sat down with His Mighty Warrior for another 15 minutes, and added to his prayer list. In his own words. In his own handwriting.

I love the heart of this Mighty Warrior.

Prayer journal

2012-02-06T20:28:00.003-06:00

"Does this mean we have to become spies?"

That's what Zach asked when he first learned about a prayer journal. You know, that part where you look back over previous prayer requests and see how God worked things out. He was trying to figure out how he'd know if a friend changed a behavior, or if someone got over their cold, or if an orphan was happy.

I do love how the child's mind works and how the most innocent questions come flying out without reservation.

I've had several prayer journals myself, but this is a first for the boys. I thought it would be a good way for them to list prayer items during the bedtime routine, rather than relying on memory ... and ending up with a prayer that sounds something like, "Dear God, uh ... Thank you for cows ... I can't remember anything else. Amen."

Although it is merely a standard school spiral, this prayer journal has proven to be remarkably thought-provoking and has been a wonderful tool in organizing their conversations with God. (My type-A organizer is over the moon making his lists!) It provides a blank sheet every day for them to fill with details for their Heavenly Father. They are so excited about this simple little spiral... They leave nothing out. Every kid (everyONE, really) should have one!

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

When mothers pray

2012-02-01T19:15:00.015-06:00

There are a lot of things that I simply do not worry about. Weather. Finances. Marriage. Health. Death. Salvation. Kids acing tests and ruling the sports scene.

I don't worry about these things, but I certainly invest in these areas and try to make wise choices. I just don't stew or worry over what might or might not happen.

I do, however, worry about my people's happiness. Their hearts. Bryan's and the kids'... If they're struggling, I'm struggling.

And, this comes as a complete shock, I know ... but I often forget to pray immediately when trouble starts to rear its ugly head. I swing into fix-it mode and start brainstorming what needs to happen to turn things around.

Am I ever going to learn? Am I ever going to stop tasking and instead pray first?!?!

I've decided that Bryan and the kids should be tattooed on their foreheads - Just Pray. That way every time I see them, I'll be reminded to lift them up, surrendering them to their Heavenly Father and his perfect plan.

These past several months have brought more parenting heartache, confusion and surprise than I could have anticipated when motherhood was merely a pipe-dream. And if I did imagine that these issues and emotions would arise, I certainly didn't think it would happen before puberty.

I'm not always very smart, but I will say that I've made wonderful choices in friends and confidants! I'm convinced that my friend Carol prays for my family more than I do. I talk to her, she listens, she encourages, she prays ... and I listen to her, take her practical advice, and completely forget to pray.

Kids, if you're reading this, stop right now and thank God for Miss Carol. She's a gift to our family, for sure. I'd be a much worse mom if not for her.

So... It occurred to me (well into the drama and heartache) that I needed to cover my family in prayer, and I immediately began doing so - again. Knowing that I will probably fall out of this habit as soon as things mellow out. Oh, how I wish I'd be better at this... But, I digress.

I began praying, and peace invaded.

My tears and quivering voice disappeared.

My thoughts were directed and concise.

Peace has been ... Having a conversation with my child while driving 75 miles per hour down the highway and not wrecking when he told me about disturbing conversations happening among friends.

Peace has been ... Responding calmly and encouragingly when my son needed my reassurance and guidance, perhaps more than he's ever needed it before.

Peace has been ... Relaying this information to my husband over the phone, without feeling completely overwhelmed, and without freaking out when he replied, "I feel like I could throw up.". (Surely I'm not alone in holding it together just long enough to melt down to my husband?)

Peace has been ... Sleeping on it. Processing slowly and graciously and not responding from emotion, anger, worry, or fear.

Peace has been ... Allowing my husband to speak with the necessary parties without hesitation, without cancelling my day to be there, and without worrying or micromanaging what would be said. (Who am I?)

Peace has been ... So much easier. A gift in the middle of crisis.

Thank you, God, for hearing our desperate cries and meeting us where we're at. We're a mess without you.

"When the love of a mother for her child is connected with God's power through prayer, an irresistible force is released that changes people (including us), situations, schools and even communities." Cheri Fuller, When Mothers Pray.

"We can't control all the forces that try to undo our careful training and nurture. We can't always pick them up, kiss the hurt, and make everything better, especially when they get big enough to be on the playing field. But we can follow Hannah's example by scooping them up and carrying them to Jesus, who loves our children more than we ever could." Cheri Fuller, When Mothers Pray.

"Rise during the night and cry out. Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord. Lift up your hands to him in prayer, pleading for your children, for in every street they are faint with hunger." Lamentations 2:19

Scripture to strive towards:

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2

Will I call on him as long as I live? Will I remember, surrender, give up my control ... and call on him always? He hears, and he answers. I'm the uncooperative one.

Life lesson of 2011

2012-01-08T19:33:00.002-06:00

I have written this post in my head almost daily since before Christmas, but haven't put fingers to keyboard because I just can't get the right words out. And then I passed the guy who kick-started all of this in the church lobby this morning, and was nudged again to write it down. It's basically the biggest lesson I learned in 2011, so here goes.

It started innocently enough. In LifeGroup. In the fall 2010 and spring 2011 we were doing what I had previously considered light-weight studies. You know, back to the basics ... which I, in all arrogance, thought I was basically mastering.

Really? Mastering? I should have known I had issues when I immediately assumed I didn't have any issues.

So... During the second of our light-weight studies, an early homework assignment was to list the names of people in our village who we could pour the love of Christ out onto.

Easy. I blog. I'm on Facebook. I'm in women's studies and couples studies. I could easily come up with the names of 50 people I was living vulnerably with, encouraging, mentoring, befriending...

And, as I'm sitting there the next week, with my list of 50 people that I can name off the top of my head, the guy to my left says, "I've decided to invite my mom into my village."

I know some of his story - bits and pieces had been shared over the months we'd been meeting. A painful relationship with his mom. Hurt feelings. Significant detachment and estrangement.

Did I just hear that right? Did a GUY - a member of that human crowd that's not super capable of saying really heartfelt, sensitive, emotional, vulnerable things in mixed company - really just say that? (My apologies to my male readers ... all three of you ... I realize that as I sat there in shock - and denial at what was coming my way - that I was preoccupying myself with stereo-typing you.) And, here I am, clinging to my shallower-than-shallow list of people who are easy to shower with the love of Christ.

Let's be honest... Is is easy to shower love on people who've never hurt us. But... That's not what God has called us to do.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35

So, that night I let my list fall silently into the back of my Bible and knew that my heart was convicted to give this village thing some sincere thought.

I'd known what the RIGHT thing was the moment I heard my friend's words, but was I willing to submit?

A week later, I came to LifeGroup without my list in hand, but with my list in my heart. I'd really only added one person to my list, but it was the one God wanted me to invite into my life at that time. My mother.

I'd committed to call her a couple of times a month, and invited her out for holidays that we'd never before celebrated together. I even invited her to a soccer game and took her to several doctors appointments. I saw her more in 2011 than I had in the previous ten years combined.

I began to form a relationship with my mother. A relationship that was being built on today's circumstances and events, and not on a painful history. I began to see her from an adult's perspective, for who she is today. I was no longer looking through the lens of a young, inexperienced, hurt, betrayed child. Nor was I looking for who she was long ago. I was allowing for a true second chance. Allowing each of us to be different. Allowing room for love to grow.

It's not always been easy. I have had to shake those old feelings of frustration, hurt and resentment time and again. A time-out works wonders for me - just enough of a breather to refocus on peace and joy rather than being right (or vindicated). And I am amazed at just how much I have mellowed.

"God opposes the proud, but favors the humble." James 4:6b

"Be strong through the grace that God gives you in Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 2:1

Over the last ten years, I was actually pretty sure that I didn't want a relationship with my mom; but I was also vividly aware that her absence left a hole in my heart. I praise God for putting us in that light-weight study, with the GUY who shocked me into adding my mom to my village.

“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12

Not only am I enjoying the continued mending of my heart, but the blossoming relationship I have with my mom is a gift to each of us. And to my children. And even to my extended family, as I have really laid to rest my instinct to keep them all at an arms-length.

Thanks to my bold friend who first added his mom to his village. I smile every time I think of you and remember how you - unintentionally - inspired such healing in my life.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another..." Hebrews 10:24-25

For the record

2012-01-05T11:49:00.001-06:00

This occurred to me this morning, and I don't want to forget it.

Annual physicals were required under our old health insurance (for a lower deductible), so at the beginning of every year - for ten years - I'd go in for the delightful weigh-in, blood draw, and medical inquisition.

"How about exercise?" asks the kind doctor who must think I just overlooked that on the questionnaire.

An embarrassed shake of the head... "None. Unless you count chasing little kids??"

Then two years ago: "I'm training for my first 5K. I'm just starting to run, so ... 1-3 miles a couple times a week?"

Then one year ago: "I got hurt last year. Runners knee after the 5K, then a pinched nerve, then 5 weeks of physical therapy. No exercise for the rest of the year. I'm just starting to run again. Training for another 5K. So... 1-3 miles a couple times a week?"

And now. Well... I don't think annual physicals are required under our new health insurance, but, let the record reflect that I'm running about ten miles a week. And I bike on nice days year-round, and I'll swim regularly again over the summer. And every now and then I do some sit-ups and push-ups.

I'm no longer stationary.

That reminds me of a conversation I had with another mom last summer. I'd mentioned training for my tri and she replied: "Good for you. I'm not a runner at all. If anything, I guess I'm just a sprinter. I only run five miles at a time, 2-3 times a week."

So... If I'm comparing myself to her "not a runner" status, I guess I'm not even a crawler!

Whatever I am, I'll take it. I'm pleased. And I'm healthier than I once was.

Blessed bedtime

2012-01-03T21:26:00.006-06:00

The boys and I headed upstairs 65 minutes ago, having agreed fairly easily on three books that we'd read before bed. I agreed to definitely read two, and as much of the third as we could get through in our allotted time.

We breezed through The Robot and the Bluebird (sad ending, but lovely illustrations) and moved on to Jumangi. Zach loved it, but Luke hid under the blankets in fear! With a child who fears bad dreams, I couldn't end on that note. So, with all the optimism I could muster, we picked up Zathura (answering the question - what happens to the Jumanji game at the end of Jumanji?). I had no idea, but the boys had seen the movie, so they followed along with the book with eager anticipation and advanced knowledge -- and no fear, thankfully!

After 45 minutes of reading, we headed off to bed.

I tucked each of them in. Kissed each a couple of times. Layed down and began praying. Was interrupted by Zach, who had two special prayer requests. Began praying again. Then Luke interrupted with three requests of his own. Prayers complete, Zach crawled back out of bed to use the restroom one more time. Then Luke crawled out of bed. Then I tucked them both back in. Ran downstairs for a puke bucket ... which is most likely more of a comfort item than necessity, thank goodness. Settled the puke bucket in the kid's bed. And had been seated in the living room for fewer than 90 seconds before Luke showed up in tears. He needed more cuddling and more prayers to ward off bad dreams.

As I left Luke the last time, I promised the "five minute trick" (check on him in five minutes) and he asked if I could shorten it to a three minute trick tonight. I'd already shortened it from ten to five, but I readily agreed to his proposal. I think he was asleep before I reached his door.

As I was lying there with my youngest son, it was tempting to inwardly complain about lengthy bedtime routines and manipulative children who will do anything to delay sleep - and rob me of my "me time". About a husband who "gets" to miss many of the bedtime hassles - you know, calling up to kids, insisting that if they giggle one more time they'll lose a privilege. But Bryan doesn't just get to miss the hassle ... he misses the blessings. The whispered talks. The confessions of the heart. The extra cuddles. The marriage proposals. Those few moments where the kids actually stay still and melt into your arms. Overheard discussions among brothers who share a room. Inside jokes and laughter shared between best friends ... who can't hit each other at the moment because one's in the top bunk while the other is in the bottom bunk.

Knowing just how drastically Zach has changed between ages 5 and 8, I know full well that these days are numbered. Before long, my boys will read quietly to themselves; taking Mom out of the story reading mix. And not long after that, Zach will be staying up later than me!

So, instead of complaining that bedtime sometimes takes an hour ... I'll cherish the relatively still, relatively lovely, hour that I got with my kids today. And pray that tomorrow brings another.

Here's to 2012

2012-01-01T17:13:00.005-06:00

I do not do New Year's Resolutions. I never have. But I have a few goals ... and some reminders ... in mind for 2012. Things that excite me and make me smile.

Eliminate excesses - in all areas of life, but most specifically in the spending of my time and money. Before saying yes (scheduling or making that purchase) think long and hard, then reconsider. Is this good, or is this great? Life is a matter of how we spend our days, and I want to be intentional about spending my days investing in greatness.

Celebrate wildly the completion of my Associates Degree in May. This wasn't what my sights were originally set on, but I'm tremendously proud and have learned so very much in this journey as a non-traditional student. With only two classes remaining, my schedule (and what's left of my sanity) thanks me for the lighter work-load and the light quickly approaching at the end of the tunnel!

Be creative. Write a story. Take a stab at poetry. Scrapbook. Sew. Paint? Create playdoh sculptures with the kids. Stretch my imagination and pretend to be a kid again.

Read. A lot. I'm shooting for a novel a month, making certain to include several classics.

Run 200 miles. Bike and swim a lot. Join Bryan in his first-ever 5K, participate in the OMC Women's Triathlon again, and maybe squeeze in a half marathon in Memphis on December 1. I would also love to run a 10K charity race this year.

Choose joy over righteousness, grace over judgement, mercy over condemnation. Be slow to anger and quick to forgive. Embrace second (and 200th) chances.

Step out in faith, ask for what I want, fear not the sharing of my heart.

Look for God in everything.

Books, books, and more books

2011-12-27T18:18:00.001-06:00

I took Children's Literature last semester. The class should have come with a disclaimer: Warning. I will probably change you.

It did.

I don't remember ever seeing a picture book as young child. In fact, the first book I remember reading was Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. I was in the 4th grade, and the book was recommended after the movie that 4th grade girls everywhere are shown in order to explain their impending maturation. In 6th grade, as my own parents were divorcing, my teacher recommended It's Not the End of the World. These are the only books I remember reading prior to age 20. (I glanced through Cliffs Notes of required reading in high school.) When I was twenty, I read the Pelican Brief, and that was only because I was bored stiff at work and someone had left the book lying around. I enjoyed the book, and subsequently read all of John Grisham's other legal thrillers.

My reading in the last nine years has been almost exclusively Christian stuff - and most of that has been for the sole purpose of edification and spiritual growth. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I've come to the conclusion that there's much more to reading than just learning.

My Children's Lit class changed me. First of all - I discovered illustrations. In all the years that I've been reading to my kids, I've focused solely on the words. Now I'm obsessed with beautiful books and pictures. In kids' books, the pictures tell half the story! Note to self - stop and smell the roses ... er, look at the pictures.

And fiction is delicious! Historic fiction remains a favorite, as I can't help but love a book that draws on history and truth and teaches valuable lessons ... but fantasy is kinda fun too. (I'm coming around... "Kinda fun" is huge progress for a serious, no-nonsense, realistic person like myself.)

As soon as the semester finished, I'd committed myself to reading some classics. Somehow it feels like I simply haven't lived if I don't know the first thing about Jane Eyre, The Great Gatsby, Catcher in the Rye, and the like...

I started with my friend Cori's recommendation - To Kill a Mockingbird. Wow. It was LONG ... compared with the 30+ children's books I spent the last 16 weeks reading! During the first half of the book, I kept thinking that it was good but would it ever get to the point? But the second half was riveting and I couldn't put it down, and I couldn't help but smile every time it tied back to an "unnecessary detail" provided in the first half. Harper Lee, you outdid yourself. What a remarkable story. And, Cori, you should have named one of your KIDS after Atticus ... not just your Elf on the Shelf! What a man.

I'm headed out on a road trip to see cousins tomorrow... I will have at least ten hours of time in the car alone, and I'm going armed with two audio books - A Raisin in the Sun and Anne Frank Remembered. I simply cannot wait to "read" while driving.

Time with family...

2011-12-18T22:16:00.002-06:00

Bryan and I still tend to live like the "kids" of the family... Other than our kids' birthdays, we haven't really hosted much. A couple of years ago, we did host Christmas, but that was a last minute change due to severe weather and a hospitalization. We have never hosted either of our entire extended families for anything...

But, my Aunt Janelle and cousin Alex were visiting from England this weekend, so we invited all of my mom's siblings and their families over. Six siblings, three sisters-in-law, 14 kids between them (plus all of their spouses), and 14 grandkids between them. Not one family was able to get all of their kids here, so we ended up with about half of the entire gang. Wonderful memories were made... Crazy fun. In some cases, the last visit was 15+ years ago.

Such a delightful reunion weekend.

I wrecked my car

2011-12-07T17:00:00.010-06:00

Uh huh. I've had the van for about six weeks, and I've already wrecked it. It was raining. I was hurrying. I was anxious ... carrying on about how "we are going to be late!" and I hate to be late.

As I was trying to get out the door with two kids - each going in different directions, at the exact same time, with only one parent to make it all happen - I asked the kids if they'd had lunch. At 12:30pm. Much to my disappointment, they hadn't even had breakfast!

So, despite the fact that I was already agonizing over our lateness (and, to be honest, if traffic was fine, we were actually ahead of schedule), I headed to McDonald's to grab some drive thru burgers and fries. Got the junk food. Began handing it out... I was approaching my right-hand turn at the light. Second in line. The car in front of me inched out, and I inched forward behind her. When I looked to my left at oncoming traffic, I rolled right into the woman in front of me.

Crunch.

Praise God that the woman I crashed into was very nice. And no one was hurt. And the kids weren't even scared. The damage to the cars was such that we could both drive away without even much of a delay.

In that moment though, what had been becoming pretty crystal clear was made absolutely clear. My family needs to slow down.

The ESU program I'd planned to enter next fall is evenings only, Monday through Thursday, six hours per night, all on-campus. And it turns out that Bryan is working during the exact same time I'd have to be in class. Could we line up sitters? Get the grandparents to pitch in? But it's for an entire year... Any talk of quitting ended with the same, "We'll make it work. It WILL work." But I didn't feel any peace about it at all.

Then I wrecked my car. Rushing around. Not entirely transitioned into our family's new normal; but, more than anything, really trying to ignore the harsh reality that something really great has got to give.

As I heard the crunch of our two vehicles colliding, it was as if some heavy vault door slammed shut on our family's master plan. The one and only right choice was glaringly obvious. I will finish the two online courses I have left at the community college, but everything beyond that is on hold.

As we came to terms with this decision, Bryan and I were reminded of just how perfectly the classes I've taken in the last three semesters have served to equip me as a mother and as a Writing and Public Speaking teacher at Mighty Oaks. And how my job at Mighty Oaks fits so beautifully with our family life. Maybe this is what God had in mind when He paved the way for me to return to school last year. Or maybe we're just moving into a different season of waiting... Either way, we're hoping and praying that it will not take another car accident to move us to surrender to God's perfect plan.

Such stubborn people, sometimes...

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:11-13 NASB

Heart-to-heart

2011-12-02T22:18:00.005-06:00

Zach is my emotional twin. He's very sensitive, is acutely aware of others' feelings, is immensely compassionate, and generally experiences life in a very deep and meaningful way. But, he also thinks about things, sometimes internalizes what he sees and hears, and often tries putting two and two together in an effort to figure out how people feel about him based on things they say about others.

It can be torture to operate this way.

On one hand, I think it's the most amazing, fulfilling way to live .... vividly aware of others and intentionally trying to impact the world in a positive way. But it sure stinks to have those less-secure moments when you feel like you're on the outside looking in. When I see my kid feeling that way, I momentarily wish he could be completely oblivious to matters of the heart.

But, in all honesty, I wouldn't change our wiring for anything in the world. We are who and how we are, and God made us this way for a purpose.

But, somehow, despite that fact that Zach's heart and mind operate the same way mine do, I do not always notice right away when my guy is having a hard time. I get so busy, so distracted with all of our to-do's, that I don't hear the tone in his voice or see the pain in his eyes. (And when that happens, I praise God that I am not alone in this thing called parenting. My husband is great at catching what I miss.)

I'm so grateful for nights like tonight. Nights where Luke had a soccer game scheduled, but the other team forfeited (in advance), so our team scrimmaged instead. Since it wasn't a big game night, all the dads brought their sons while the moms and other siblings stayed home. Then the dads stood close to the glass ... leaving Zach and me alone in the stands. For 40 minutes, we sat there side-by-side, at times holding hands, talking non-stop as he shared his heart. (When I called it a "date" he blushed and said that was embarrassing. When did that happen?) I learned so much about him, and feel so much more equipped right now to help guide him as he matures and processes through life.

My mother's heart needed tonight, as I thought I was going to throw up just thinking (okay, WORRYING) about him last night. Thank you, God, for quiet moments of stillness - in an indoor soccer complex - to sit and talk with my young man. What a blessing to know his heart. And what a blessing to be his mother. I still can't believe you thought enough of ME to entrust these boys into my care.

I'm blown away...

A magical walk

2011-11-28T20:49:00.002-06:00

On Friday night, the kids and I went with Grandpa to a Luminary Walk. We were actually supposed to go with my brother, but he ended up having to work at the last minute.

Thanks, Jim, for the tickets. I can't believe we'd never even heard of this place before! It was really quite amazing.

The weather - perfect.

The paths through the park wind around ponds, lakes, and streams, and out into the woods and back. All of the paths are lit with luminaries. Thousands of hand-lit luminaries? There were carolers and instrumentalists, and fires and warm cider throughout the walk. It really was quite magical.

And Santa was there. He was meeting with kids from 6-8pm.

Here's the stark contrast between my children. At the ripe old age of 3 years and 5 weeks, Zach took one look at a mall Santa and looked back at us and said, "That's just a guy in a costume, right?" He has never believed in Santa.

Luke ... on the other hand ... heard that Santa was meeting with kids in the visitor's center and said, "WHAT?!?! SANTA IS HERE?!?! REALLY? SANTA? WHERE????"

I explained that kids were waiting in line to talk to him, but that we could walk up near the front of the line and just look at him. It was already 6:05, so I figured he'd already have a child on his lap. However, he wasn't there yet... We came back about 15 minutes later. The line was longer, and the same people were still waiting at the front of the line - looking more displeased by the second. We'd decided that catching a glimpse of Santa just wasn't in the cards, so we headed on out to our car.

Look who we passed on the way?

Both of the boys gave cheery high-fives ... so excited, that it didn't even occur to Luke to tell him what he wanted for Christmas.

The whole evening was perfect. Awesome weather, beautiful lights, well behaved kids, Christmas carols ... and, as much as we keep the Santa hype to a minimum, it was delightful to see Luke get so excited over seeing this man in the beautiful red suit with the flowing white beard.

Thanksgiving tradition

2011-11-25T10:10:00.002-06:00

As we approached our first holiday season as husband and wife in 2002, Bryan and I began talking (at the last minute of course) about what our family traditions would look like. We settled on putting our tree up on Thanksgiving evening while snacking on leftovers; however, there were two issues. One - Thanksgiving was the next day. Two - We had no tree or decorations.

So, Wednesday night we headed out to pick up the necessities. We stopped in at Lowe's first to look at trees. We liked one a lot, but decided to look at Target first before buying. Target had ornaments that we liked, but not a tree that we loved. So... We headed back over to Lowe's.

But, there was a problem - Lowe's had just closed.

But my husband, now fully committed to this tradition that we dreamed up two hours prior, wasn't to be deterred. He spotted an employee in the window and knocked until he got their attention. Through the window he pleaded, "Can we come in PLEASE? For just a minute. We just need one thing. This is a Thanksgiving emergency."

I still giggle at our Thanksgiving emergency. Christmas tree shopping!

The nice guy let us in and we bought our tree and were out in a matter of minutes. Then we headed back over to Target to buy our ornaments, but found that the ones we wanted were on display, with very few remaining on the shelf. And we were told we couldn't undress the trees to buy the ornaments ... even though they were individual ornaments and each had a price tag on it. So, each time the worker looked away, we'd sneak what we wanted off the tree!

The birth of our Thanksgiving tradition is always funny and wonderful to look back on. My husband loves me so much that our tradition was an emergency.

For the first time in ten years together, Bryan worked on Thanksgiving this year. We changed up our tradition a little by putting the tree up on Wednesday ... and dining on smoked ham, candied sweet potatoes, twice baked potato casserole, and sweet potato rolls. Regarding the menu, our kids put it best - we love the potatoes and pig around here!

We had another blessed Thanksgiving this year. We put our tree up on Wednesday, then went to my mother-in-law's for Thanksgiving lunch, turned on our outdoor lights, took our first light drive of the season, and had Bryan's father over Thanksgiving evening. God is so abundantly good and generous.

A suitcase full of nurf guns

2011-11-19T15:14:00.004-06:00

This is so awesome. I can't help but laugh out loud. Where did he come up with this stuff?

More on prayer (could also read Moron Prayer)

2011-11-16T20:16:00.007-06:00

A few years ago I was invited to be a part of a prayer team for a nationwide woman's ministry. Explaining that I was no where near a "prayer warrior" I agreed to pray for and correspond with women who wrote in with wounds specific to childhood abuse or sexual trauma. About a year later, I sent an embarrassing email saying that I just stunk at praying for their needs, and perhaps they shouldn't count on me to ever become a "prayer warrior". Shortly after, I stopped receiving specific needs, but to this day, I remain on a general list of prayer requests. They were so gracious. They didn't just drop me like a bad habit ... but, if I'm being honest, I secretly wished they had so I wouldn't feel guilty over being terrible at prayer.

Through Bible study this fall, the issue of my prayer life moved to the front burner. I passed a note to a woman in our group, asking that she join me in praying that my prayer life would be set on fire. And it has been! I have found myself walking through my days praying constantly, fervently, with depth and faith, and with personal needs and desires.

I have long been a thankful prayer; however, I have never been one to ask for much. I've often wound up saying "I pray that what you want happens and that I'll be at peace with it". My seasons of praying little had been prompted by this idea that "God knows what's on my mind and in my heart. He knows what I desire and what He plans, so my prayers really won't affect anything other than my attitude, and I'm already okay with God being the boss so I'll just let it play out..."

But it's recently hit me that He really wants me to ask Him. It's not enough for God to just know what I'm thinking and wanting - He wants me to ask Him. And I needn't be ashamed or embarrassed, guilted into believing that asking for things is selfish.

So... I was feeling unsure of how I fit in in a certain environment, so I asked God to allow specific conversations to happen - so I'd know where I stood. I fought the urge to chastise myself for being needy and insecure, relying on the acceptance of people rather than just "being filled up by God and God alone." I prayed that I would be affirmed by a specific person, and I was! Right away. First it was very casual, and I prayed that He would really draw us together and give us hearts for and vulnerability with one another. Immediately, we were led to meaningful conversations that both of us really needed to have. I praise God for moving this person towards me, prompting our discussions. It could not have happened in reverse; and what seemed an improbability turned out to happen very easily and naturally.

God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want, but I do believe He is eager to pour out blessings on us and give us fulfillment beyond anything we can imagine. But maybe we don't get all of what He wants to give us if we don't ask for it.

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

"I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need." Luke 11:8

Prayer is so simple ... yet, for me, it has not be a natural or easy concept. I'm so glad to have such a patient and generous Heavenly Father who puts up with my slow learning curve.

Bathtime bliss

2011-11-08T20:03:00.005-06:00

On the rare occasion that we slow down long enough for Luke to take a bath, it's like heaven on earth for him. Normally, it's a rushed shower. Often with his brother in there - taking up space, hogging the water, bickering over who's freezing or who's fault it is that water is all over the floor.

But, Zach showered this morning...so Luke has the freedom to bathe on his own tonight.

He's swimming as I type. Dunking his head. Using plastic restaurant kids cups to pour water (because I recently threw away the cutesy stacking cups from the "baby days"). Liberally applying way too much soap as he washes each toe individually. Giving himself a mohawk. Diving for sunken treasure. He probably has some green army guys in there too.

As I watch him play in the tub, I wonder why we don't slow down more often. Childhood passes too quickly. I'm going to try to plan bath time better - allowing for lazy days in the tub as often as possible.

I could benefit from a lazy soak myself!

*****************

And I never want to forget... Zach was responsible for helping Luke get the tub ready. He picked the right water temperature, laid the bath mat out for him, plugged the tub, even fetched the toys Luke wanted. He stopped by one last time to check on him before settling into a TV show. On his way down the stairs, he was beaming as he said, "I sure like helping Luke. It's fun!"

I will remember that tomorrow when he protests, "Why do I have to do everything?"

I love being their mom.

Halloween fun

2011-11-03T13:02:00.003-05:00

Pumpkin patch with the Cobin family

2nd grade party

The boys' first walk-thru haunted house...complete with scary guy chasing you out of the backyard with a chainsaw! We had to come home and watch a little Noggin to clear our heads before bed.

Painted pumpkins

Trick-or-treating with Carol and Caleb

Happy

2011-11-01T16:09:00.004-05:00

In the last ten days or so, I have had a song in my heart and a spring in my step. Today, I went out for a run and, as the leaves were blowing down all around me, I had to fight the urge to joyfully spin in circles, arms outstretched and try to catch them (think snowflakes on your tongue). That would have been a ridiculous sight for those passers-by! On a busy street, no less.

But I am so happy. I'm reading my Bible, praying, going to church, and meeting weekly with my women's Bible study. It is such a relief to not have to do life on my own...but I fall into these traps every now and then (like the past six months!!!) of thinking I've got it all under control. I "take a break" here and there from reading, sit out of LifeGroup for a while....and before I know it, everything falls to pieces.

"Jesus looked hard at them and said, 'No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.'" Matthew 19:26 (The Msg)

"So let's do it—full of belief, confident that we're presentable inside and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching." Hebrews 10:22-25 (The Msg)

I praise God for his patience and offering of second (and third, forth, fortieth, four-hundredth...) chances. And how He's planted so many people in my life, to pray for an encourage me... I often turn my back on Him, but He never turns His back on me. And how quickly things turn around when I get out of God's way and allow Him to drive. Oh happy day!!

a Father's guidance

2011-10-28T10:24:00.007-05:00

I snapped these pictures because it reminded me of when I was a little girl and my dad would let me come out and "help" him mow the lawn. I loved that so much. I'm pretty sure I was in the way more than anything, but I loved that he let me walk along with him.

These pictures of Zach and Bryan are wonderful. Bryan is sincerely trying to teach him how to mow - as opposed to years prior when Zach was just out there for fun (like I was). It reminds me so much of how our Heavenly Father is constantly teaching and guiding us, prompting us to try something that feels "too hard" or "beyond our abilities".

I love how Zach is behind the mower all by himself here, with his father at his side, ready to assist at any moment. Zach is not alone. His father is even looking ahead to see what is coming - taller, wiser, with a better vantage point...while Zach's eyes are planted firmly on the mower directly in front of him.

This photo just gives me such a beautiful visual of what my journey is like with my Heavenly Father beside me. I'm overwhelmed by difficulty and focused on what's right in front of me - or I'm thinking about how super smart, independent and capable I am - while He is patient, ever-present and faithful to provide direction, guidance, help, encouragement, reassurance...and he knows what lies ahead and is ready to walk me through it.

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8

"You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head." Psalm 139:5

"even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me." Psalm 139:10

And, of course, a very favorite piece of scripture: “I will go before you, Cyrus, and level the mountains. I will smash down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron." Isaiah 45:2

As I watched Bryan and Zach mow the yard, I saw Bryan help maneuver the mower through tricky turns, push it up a steep slope, and remove sticks and rocks that were in Zach's way. Knowing that God loves Zach even more than Bryan does, how can we even conceive of how much more willing and able God is to help Zach - and all of His children - as we journey through life?

Missing: My prayer life

2011-10-25T15:57:00.004-05:00

The strangest thing happened to me today. Twice.

First, a friend called me asking for prayer. No one ever calls me wanting prayer. Then, about an hour later, another friend texted wanting prayer. Texting is more like it. Short, sweet, easier to ask and easier for the receiver to not commit to.

But I have this thing about prayer requests and commitments to pray. If I say I will, I will.

So, after praying for my friends, I honestly chuckled and looked towards the heavens and asked, "Is this your way of getting my attention? Get me busy praying for others...so that I will ultimately begin praying for myself?"

I have openly admitted to just about every small group and Bible study that I've ever been a part of that I am not a prayer warrior. I've never been one to go through her entire day in a constant state of prayer, but I was once much better than I am now. I pray with my family at dinner and at bedtime most nights - but often those bedtime prayers wind up being my personal daily closing prayer too. I used to pray with the kids on the way to school every day, but I don't drive Zach to school anymore so we're out of that habit. And I used to pray in the shower every day...and I still shower, but I almost never use that time to pray anymore. I used to pray out loud whenever I was in the car without kids, but now I just drive in silence or make a phone call. I have (almost) totally lost my prayer life!

And I've always been quite terrible at praying for myself. It almost feels selfish. I can ask for "clear direction", "His peace", or "to be used", but I never really lay out for God what I want. I wonder if that's the root of my silence.

As I try to recall the last time I felt I had a rich prayer life, I think it would be around the time that I found out that my birth father was dead. And my grandparents wouldn't respond to my letters. And my half-brother is still unidentified. And then Bryan lost his job... And then life just continued happening, and perhaps it's not all going my way and I don't really want to talk about it.

Phew. Talk about a woman needing a therapy session. Or, better yet, a meeting with the great I Am.

As I prayed for my sweet friends today, I felt God nudging me, looking at me sideways with a gentle smirk on his face, asking me why I don't come to Him with my own heart's desires, excitement, hopes, heartache, confusion and difficulty.

Honestly, in all the busyness of life, I could feel the disconnect in my heart, but couldn't pinpoint what was off. How could I have stepped so far away...gone so long between meetings...without realizing just how much time had passed and what I was missing?

I'm grateful for my friends who prompted me to pray today and helped to remind me of what I've been missing. And I'm forever grateful for those who know me well, who know my heart, who pray for me...even when I don't ask for it and forget to pray for myself.

Beginning now...I pray that I get better - and more vulnerable - at this whole prayer thing.

Luke's last game

2011-10-08T21:13:00.000-05:00

Outdoor fall soccer is officially for Luke. We had a great season. It was loads of fun spending time with friends, running around outside, and gaining a better understanding of the game of soccer. We are already looking forward to spring soccer!

But...first...we will get through indoor winter soccer with Luke, followed by basketball for Zachary! Always busy, busy, busy.

FamFest 2011

2011-10-02T21:24:00.000-05:00

Another great year at FamFest. We are so blessed to be a part of a church that offers something like this to the community. It is such a blast to run into friends from church, school, sports, the neighborhood, etc. This year, I even had a woman introduce herself to me, as SHE READS MY BLOG occasionally. I've never had something like that happen! How fun.

Budding soccer star

2011-10-01T20:52:00.000-05:00

Luke is playing soccer again this fall. He's on the same team; however, many of the players are "new". New to the team...but not new to us. Most are friends from preschool, so that's a lot of fun.

Luke scored his first goal today. He dribbled it down the sideline, cut to the center, and shot it! It was awesome.

And after the game...the boys enjoyed snacks!

100 days challenge

2011-09-25T18:38:00.003-05:00

I haven't eaten a restaurant meal in almost three weeks. This may not sound like a big deal to most people, but for our family it is a very big deal. I don't know when we became these people who eat out or drive thru 4+ times per week...but we are. We have become enslaved to our lifestyle of immediate gratification.

"I'm hungry, Mom."

I think for a minute about going home for PB&J, but decide I'd really rather keep shopping, so I opt for McDonald's - yet again - instead. My children probably eat three hamburgers a week. Quite possibly...at least three a week.

And when it's not a matter of sheer convenience, it's a matter of socializing. Everyone's got to eat, so let's go grab a bite.

But... We've given up eating out. For 100 days.

It's part of a challenge at our church. A time of sacrifice - of challenging our lifestyle - of finding ourselves in a position of discomfort and inconvenience, so that we might remember those who regularly go without as they live in poverty and often with illnesses.

For the first two weeks, it was pretty easy for me. I'm not a huge eater - cereal will do for most meals - but I'm getting hungry and sick of having to prepare three meals a day, clean it all up, grocery shop, meal plan, etc. It is amazing just how quick and easy it is to find satisfaction in our environment. And dissatisfaction when one is "forced" to reach into her refrigerator for food rather than have someone place an over-priced plate on the table in front of her at a restaurant.

Spoiled.

It cannot believe just how spoiled.

As I've faced temptation these last few days to "just grab one meal out", I am reminded of those who don't have any option but to suffer through hunger pains, as grabbing food anywhere is not an option. This is really what these 100 days are all about - NOT coasting through having "sacrificed" something that has no value.

As I prepared dinner and cleaned my kitchen tonight, I thought about and prayed for starving people around the world. Those who have no home, let alone a kitchen and a pot of chili. Those who have significant health issues, yet no medical care. Those who have no earthly parents, but are loved abundantly by our heavenly father. Praise the Lord for that - for who He is, for how He loves, for how He saves, for how He redeems even the most tragic of situations.

It's amazing how something as simple as not consuming restaurant food has created a new focus in our lives.

Lord, as we go through these 100 days, show us how it's meant to shape the rest of our lives.

“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me… Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:35–36, 40

Happy 8th birthday, Zach!

2011-09-25T14:45:00.004-05:00

All that Zach wanted for his 8th birthday were Bionicles and a sleepover with his best friends. We invited the friends...they brought the Bionicles!

He's been buddies with Will since preschool, and all the other boys since kindergarten. They are such great friends.

Zach, a man who can say he has ONE best friend is a very blessed man. What does that say about the young boy with SIX best friends? (Caleb was so sorry that he had to go to Florida to help his grandparents celebrate their 50th anniversary.)

And Dad and I totally LOVED that you got to take your friends to church with you on Sunday morning. We know what a gift that was to you. We've never known another child who cared so much about his friends' spiritual lives. You are an amazing boy.

Enjoy EIGHT. We love you so very much and cannot wait to see what God has in store for this next year of your life.

Did I mention that he played goalie for the first time EVER on his birthday? His team won 4-3, and Zach only gave up one goal. He had a GREAT birthday!! And he's the best looking goalie I've ever laid my eyes on.

Lap-A-Thon

2011-09-23T16:28:00.001-05:00

Our first fishin' derby

2011-09-20T18:18:00.000-05:00

We went to a fishing derby a couple of weeks ago at a local apple orchard. We caught about a dozen fish in 90 minutes or so, then picked apples, then went back for more fish.

Zach stepped into the water in the first five minutes.

There was crying and pouting for the next 40 minutes, begging to go home because his shoe was unbearable. Eventually he got over it, put his wet shoe back on (over grandpa's dry sock), and perked back up.

The rest of the day was smooth sailing and blue skies.

The boys and I held a fish for the first time.

Grandpa and Bryan taught us how. Zach dropped his a lot.

Needless to say, this little one did not swim away when we released him.

Luke's already mastered the tall tale.

He caught one "this big"!

I can do this

2011-09-17T22:31:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to say... I'm growing. and. I can do this.

I don't like busy. I don't like over-scheduled. I don't like constantly being on the go. I don't like having to be somewhere every morning. I don't like time-sensitive pressures.

I like slow. I like my jammies. I like lazy days.

But this past year of busyness - of being back in school with two kids who are also in school, of having a house to keep up, sports a few days a week, a 5K and a triathlon that I spent months training for, a ministry to run, small groups to attend, studies to read, teen girls to mentor, and now teaching - just typing that makes me want a nap, but having done it over the last year I know I can keep doing it.

I was snippy this afternoon when Bryan suggested we run errands after a soccer game. "I have studying to do." As in...Don't you know that I have a BUSY life? I have no time for a field trip to different stores with the family. In-and-out, MAN, in-and-out!!! He didn't argue... But he did suggest we stop by the 100 Nights Shack for a few minutes after Luke's late soccer game. We ended up staying for two hours! I still had all that same studying to do, but somehow sitting around the firepit with friends was worth the risk of not getting the work done on time. Especially when our family huddled in a circle before leaving so our friend Schaun could pray for us - by name, specifically, beautifully, with such passion and faith. I kinda want to go back now just for that moment...

And... Of course, I did get my work done.

All that snippiness over the stress of having a lot to do. I'm learning. There are enough hours in the day. I can do this.

Potential

2011-09-13T11:17:00.010-05:00

Zach and I are learning some of the same lessons right now about reaching our potential. There are things each of us wants to do...and all of those things require focus, practice and commitment.

This was clear on Saturday morning during the run portion of my race. I'm not a particularly good runner, but running is part of a triathlon. Walking is not. So... In the ten weeks leading up to the race, I practiced running long distances and did other exercises to increase my speed and endurance. There were times that I didn't want to train, and times when my training sessions were a little lousy. But I trained. By the end, I finally took someone's advice and learned how to take smaller strides and practically run in place - but not walk - when I needed a break. On race day, when I thought about walking, I stuck with smaller strides instead (most of the time). In those moments, I was reminded of my son and the many discussions we've had about working to reach his potential. We must keep practicing and moving forward if we are going to reach our potential.

Another relevant example from my life is my schooling. One class I'm taking is Art Appreciation. I ~~don't know the first thing~~ didn't know the first thing about art when I started. Normally, a chapter in a textbook is about 30 pages, but chapter 2 was 115 pages. And not only did my professor assign chapter 2 that week, but she added chapter 3 as well - another 30 pages. In a week's time, I read more than ONE FOURTH of the entire textbook. My head was about to explode. After reading, I certainly didn't want to write TWO two page discussion questions, FOUR responses to other people's posts, and take TWO tests. But I did. There was a part of me saying to just breeze through it with a half-hearted effort so I could go play, but the other part suggested I give it my all so I could submit my work with pride and not just relief to be done. In doing the latter, I learned. I am one step closer to realizing my potential - as both an appreciator of art and a degreed teacher.

As we've journeyed through all of this with Zach...I am learning (again) that he's not unusual - he's just like everyone else. In this case, he has aspirations and knowledge, but fear, immaturity, impatience, and even arrogance get in the way sometimes.

He has BIG dreams and we want to help him to achieve what he wants in life.

Sometimes I forget that he needed help learning how to suckle and eat as a newborn. No matter how desperately children want us to believe they know everything, the fact is that they come into the world knowing practically nothing. Much like those early days, my son needs our help in learning how to persevere,and grow in discipline and focus so that he can reach his potential.

Encouragement for reaching for your potential -

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters." Colossians 3:23

The reminder for this mother -

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

Lord, as we work to prepare these children for manhood, might we remember that these things - these fruits of the spirit - come with maturity and experience. As we continue to provide guidance and encouragement, may we rest in peace and your assurance that, in your perfect timing, our boys will become who you've created them to be. Place in us up-lifting, grace-filled attitudes, so that we will build our kids up always and never discourage or criticize. May we parent with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Things I don't want to foget about my first triathlon

2011-09-11T15:00:00.003-05:00

Luke woke up with me at 5am and asked "Is it really daytime already?"

Gina told us a funny story on the way to the park about tripping over her bike the night before... Then she said she ripped half of her big toenail off in the fall. Not so funny anymore. In spite of her injury, she competed like a champ!

The transition area looked awesome in the dark, in the fog, filled with bustling women preparing for the race.

The race was delayed for 10 minutes because you couldn't even see that there was a lake at 7:30am - it was foggy!

Gina approached the beach (for the swim) still wearing her running shoes! After taking her shoes back to transition, she got halfway back to the beach and realized she'd left her goggles and swim cap at transition.

At the back of our heat, the swim got off to a slow start. We were actually chatting while swimming - breast stroke with our heads above water - waiting for the crowd in front of us to thin out. Next time I will start closer to the front and to the far right.

My bike chain fell off at the first turn.

My Nunn drink exploded in my face as I opened the bottle with my teeth...while biking. Nuun up the nose is not terrible. It's not sticky either.

I spent the last 5 miles on the bike trying to decide if I needed to take a bathroom break at transition, only to forget that my bladder was full as I approached bike dismount.

At that point, it occurred to me that we hadn't practiced the bike dismount. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't crash getting off.

I discovered just how awesome an out-and-back course is. Familiar faces were constantly passing by with encouraging words. Friends who knew just how hard the run is for me seemed to come by at the perfect time, saying the perfect things. I walked very little.

**I also discovered that I do have a competitive bone in my body!!!! During the last mile, I started picking off girls that I knew were in my heat. I never thought I would intentionally PASS someone just to come in before them. Watch out next year - I might become an ultra-competitive maniac!

I got a medal.

We had a whole lot of supporters at the race. At every start and finish line, I was cheered for and encouraged by name. I love that! I loved my first tri!

Swim: 93rd overall - 11:38
Bike: 220th overall - 44:04
Run: 233rd overall - 33.18
Total race time: 1:32:21

I finished 201st out of 316 competitors. I couldn't be happier!

Family art project

2011-09-02T19:15:00.004-05:00

We did a little family art project yesterday.

The only supplies used were two boxes of Crayolas, a framed canvas, a glue gun and a hair dryer.

The boys sorted, organized and glued the crayons to the canvas before school.

After getting Zach out the door, Bryan, Luke and I went to work melting... We saved the finishing touches for Zach to take care of after school.

This is a project that requires patience. The kids didn't care much for the melting process. It takes a loooong time. Bryan and I found it to be especially calming and relaxing. Who knew? I'm going to have to stock up on the 40 cent Crayolas at WalMart. Can you say mental health break?

Luke LOVES this family art project! He shows it off to everyone who comes over.

Thank you, Meg, for the inspiration. I've never met you, but I love your blog, your creativity, your style, your photographs, your heart, your passion, your mothering... Such fun you have with your family.

A creative approach....to spelling practice

2011-09-01T16:58:00.000-05:00

As soon as he walked through the door, Zach was eager to show off what he'd done at school today. Much to my surprise (er, dismay) his hands were full of ninja drawings. When I asked what the other kids were doing while he drew ninjas, he replied: "Reading, or their school work, or drawing."

As I wanted to say, "Instead of school work, you chose DRAWING???"....he pulled out his spelling practice.

I'm thinking his teacher appreciates creativity and art.

And I love that!

I can't imagine anyone complained of boredom as they practiced their spelling today.

And these are not spelling words for chumps.

Donate. Broken. Pineapple. Expire. Sphere. Contribute. Pollute. Behave. Break. Fruit.

Miss Davis is serious about her first spelling test of the 2nd grade. Serious, but fun.

Thank you, Miss Davis, for a fun exercise for my son...and inspiration for me. My students will thank you!

I am a teacher

2011-08-30T21:03:00.001-05:00

It has just donned on me that I am a teacher. I think the fact that my job as a homeschool teacher doesn't require a degree led me to discount my work. Then it hit me - I don't have a teaching certificate, but I have students. I have people under my influence.

I hope and pray that I am more than just an educator imparting information onto young brains... In the ways that Mr. Morris, Mr. Lane, Mrs. Allen, Ms. Crispino and Mr. Custer were teachers - I pray that I am that kind of teacher. The kind who shares more than knowledge. The kind who writes permanently on the pages of a young person's life. The kind who sees the whole person - the heart, the potential, the needs. The kind who feeds. The kind who encourages and nurtures.

This job - my job - comes with tremendous responsibility. And it's a tremendous honor. How on earth was I chosen to be among the ranks of those wonderful teachers who've gone before me? I pray that I am able to do for my students what they did for me.

Hair Theory

2011-08-29T19:41:00.000-05:00

Zach: "I know why women don't grow hair under their armpits. It's because they already have too much on their heads."

I cannot believe I did that!

2011-08-28T13:00:00.001-05:00

I cannot believe I did that!

I repeated that about 30 times between the finish line and home.

Gina, Jodi and I went out for a practice trip through the tri course this morning. We set up our little transition area, and decided to stay together this morning for our practice. We waited on the slowest swimmer...and they waited on the slowest runner (me). My rockstar friends even did a cheer to spur me on when exhaustion was getting the better of me! We had one long transition that included loading all three bikes back into my van.

From start to finish - never stopping the watch - it took us 1 hour and 46 minutes.

As I was running, I thought about how I might need to have a shirt made between now and the race. It would read, "Cheer for me... I'm DYING here! Tonya"

As I crossed the finish line (ran through the gauntlet of cheering women who run faster than I do), I did some quick math and determined that my shaky legs got through the run in 34 minutes. That was the fastest 5K of my life! How did I do that?

I can officially say that I'm ready. The race is 13 days away and the girls and I are going into it with confidence.

This has been the single biggest physical accomplishment of my life. I am learning a lot about endurance, discipline and determination; trying at almost all times to channel the inner competitor that surely must live somewhere within me. Pushing through pain and wanting to win do not come naturally to me.

To my husband...the keeper of our children for countless hours over these last couple of months. Thank you! I could not be doing this without your support and encouragement. You are the funniest and most sarcastic person I've ever met. You are a relentless tease, but my biggest cheerleader, and just the perfect organizer, bike service man, run route creator, and whisperer of encouragement for me.

My favorite Bryan quotes...

When a friend's comment on Facebook read, "You are ready", you quipped "Ready to die!" (I'd been lying on the kitchen floor after an exhausting work out about 10 minutes prior.)

When I marveled at the fact that I could barely bring myself to run the entire RFM 5K route prior to race day in the spring and now I'm running 3-4 miles several times a week, you said: "I cannot believe you haven't gotten any faster!" (At the time I wasn't much faster.)

And then there was your sweet message on my Facebook... "At first it was a TRYathlon (and I thought you were a little crazy), but now it's a triathlon. And you are ready. So proud of you!"

Thank you, Bryan. I love you.

John

2011-08-24T20:58:00.002-05:00

The boys and I just finished our first book of the Bible - John. I loved the sweet time we had reading and discussing what was going on. I loved the nights that we really needed to be going to sleep, but they requested "just one more chapter". Nothing breaks bed time like just one more chapter -- of the Bible!

As we were wrapping up tonight, Zach begged for the one more chapter (which actually would have made for a second extra chapter)....taking us into chapter 1 of Acts. Since it meant the beginning an entirely new book, we agreed to start tomorrow.

There are many things to love about John, but right now I'm smiling about the final verse.

"Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written." John 21:25

If that doesn't inspire passionate prayers and sweet dreams, I don't know what does. So grateful for a savior that offers so much to learn from and aspire to.

Another budding reader

2011-08-20T18:19:00.000-05:00

Monday night I went out to the park to swim and bike. When I got home, I found Luke reading to Bryan and Zach, with Zach taking video. He snapped a few pictures too.

Luke's reading has completely taken off this week. He hasn't put down the books...and he's drawn just like his brother was to Dr. Seuss. What incredibly entertaining and inspiring books for my young readers. I'm so grateful.

I love how Luke put it... "I'M JUST SO AMAZED THAT I CAN READ. I NEVER WANT TO STOP!"

Boys, I've said it a million times... If you can read, you can teach yourself anything. Never stop. I'm so proud of you both.

Back to school

2011-08-17T20:36:00.003-05:00

I love these two pictures. They tell a tale of two brothers! One who had collared shirts and plaid shorts on his back-to-school shopping list, the other who just made his list as he went along - the more sarcastic the better.

One who's serious and methodical in everything he does. The other born cracking jokes and flying by the seat of his pants. They are two very different young boys, but very much the same too.

They are both in school now.

Zach is in 2nd grade at our local elementary school.

Luke is in kindergarten at the homeschool enrichment center where I teach.

We are so excited for what this year will bring!

T Minus 4

2011-08-10T21:19:00.002-05:00

Luke is over the moon with excitement and anticipation. He received a letter from Mrs. Graber today, welcoming him to her kindergarten class. Included was a picture of Mrs. Graber with her son. He will also be in Mrs. Graber's class. Luke lit up like a Christmas tree! He just couldn't believe he was finally laying eyes on his teacher and one of his classmates. I can't wait for them to finally meet. He is going to love it!

So... With great anticipation, we finished buying school supplies today. Luke is stoked to finally have to buy supplies!! He's a BIG kid now!

And we put the kids to bed earlier.

But Zach didn't stay in bed. It's 9:18pm and he's sitting on the couch behind me. I have promised to wake him up very early tomorrow. He will regret not going to bed on time, but I'm pretty sure I will regret it more. Someone will be cranky ... but hopefully it will help him to understand the need to go to bed on time!

T Minus 5

2011-08-09T12:33:00.002-05:00

We have enjoyed every minute of summer. Late nights. Lots of ice cream. Lots of time spent with cousins and friends.

It caught up with Luke this morning.

9:53am and he was still fast asleep. In my bed. (Confession: I love that he still sleeps with cuddlies and blankies - and in this case a cuddly that is a blankie!)

We're going to have to party a little less hardy between now and Sunday night.

T Minus 6

2011-08-08T12:02:00.002-05:00

It's back to reality in six days. We are (frantically) savoring these final days of summer. Doing things we won't be able to do once the kids and I are in school, I'm teaching part time, and Bryan returns to full-time work. The first of these transitions begins in a week, the next two days later, the next a week later, and then Bryan should go back to work a week after that.

Till then...

Today Luke recovers from yesterday's noon - 9:30pm playdate. Zach recovers from that same playdate, plus a sleepover. No one bothers to brush their hair before noon. Zach and I are still in jammies. Zach hasn't yet brushed his teeth.

Bryan and Luke are Wii bowling in the dark. Zach is building Bionicles, grateful that Bryan and Luke are providing the glow from the TV and allowing him to use the tabletop lamp.

I will take a run - probably on the treadmill. And eventually I'll clean house and double check Zach's school supply list to make sure we've got everything.

Today we're chillin'. Maybe I'll send Bryan out for a Redbox this afternoon. Or we could watch the Notebook or Message in a Bottle off the DVR.

Next week we'll hit the ground running. I'm grateful for today's down time.

Best laid plans?

2011-08-06T20:49:00.001-05:00

I took the kids with me to shop for a dress for Bryan's class reunion tonight. As we scoured the last of the stores within a 15 mile radius of our house, we found ourselves at the Saks Fifth Avenue outlet. With crystal displayed on tables just inside the door, and beautiful gowns hanging all around us, I gave the boys a firm order: "Touch nothing."

A few minutes later, I look up to see Luke rubbing a gown on his face. He has a serious love affair with soft fabrics.

I reminded him not to touch and, of course, he asked why.

Me: "Because everything is very fancy and very expensive. Look at this beautiful white dress here. Your grubby hands would get it dirty and it costs $385. And it's so pretty, a lady might like to get married in it. She won't want your dirty hands on her wedding gown."

Luke: "You can buy it. For our wedding. It would be beautiful on you."

Me: "Buddy, you need to grow up before you can get married. It will be a long time before your bride will need to shop for her wedding gown."

Zach: "So... Can you and Luke just go into any random church and kiss and be married?"

We came home without a dress, but I sure got a lot of laughs out of our excursion.

First Annual Family Canoe Trip

2011-08-02T16:30:00.003-05:00

I have often said that I dream of things like traveling by RV, camping, sending my kids to camp, going to family camp, taking canoe trips, white water rafting, hiking, etc... Don't get me wrong - Fiji and long cruises sound dreamy too - but I'm more of the keep-it-simple, spend-time-with-my-family-on-a-budget type. I'm definitely not a Disney girl. You can keep your amusement parks and costumed characters...

That said, this past weekend was a dream come true for me! We went on our church's first annual family canoe trip. I have encouraged Bryan for years to take the boys on the father/son trip, but it's never worked out. This year I decided they were going - no discussions - but when I went to register them, I stumbled upon the FAMILY trip!

Best stumbling I've ever done.

Over the weekend, we enjoyed the campfire every night with friends. Played in the inflatable water park. Socialized at the pool party. Canoed eight miles. Ate three meals a day with friends. Received a great message on Sunday morning. Worshiped the Lord by acoustic guitar. Played on the playground. And watched Zach conquer some serious fear on the ropes course.

Have I mentioned how amazing that young man is?

A year and a half ago he wouldn't go up in a McDonald's Playland play structure and this weekend he did this...

And earlier that morning the entire family was challenged, as we faced a great deal of thunder, lightning, and pouring rain on the river. There was no where to go, so we cuddled together on an island, praying and reassuring the kids that we were going to be fine.

And we were. Once the rain stopped, the cloud cover was a welcomed relief from the hot sun! We had a wonderful time the rest of the day.

We are already looking forward to going again next year. Best camping weekend ever!

Look who's FIVE

2011-08-02T15:43:00.001-05:00

Since we were out of town on Luke's birthday, we have not yet celebrated with our extended family! However, before we left we did manage to squeeze in a little party with a couple of the kids' friends.

And we celebrated over a campfire on his BIG DAY at our church's canoe trip. Everyone made such a big deal out of our boy turning five. We couldn't have asked for more!

Luke, you are a blessing to everyone who knows you. Your sense of adventure, humor, wit, charm, determination, thoughtfulness and creativity are such a gift! You and your brother are the best things Daddy and I have ever been a part of. WE LOVE YOU! Enjoy your sixth year of life. I can't wait to see what another year brings for you.

Birthday tradition

2011-07-28T09:01:00.001-05:00

So far, all birthday parties have been at our home. Today marks the very first time we'll go out to celebrate with friends - and the first time we've had a party before the actual big day! Since we didn't have time to plan in advance (because my husband is in the process of starting a new job and has had frequent appointments that the employer schedules 24-48 hrs in advance), we whipped together a plan two days ago. We are going to Monkey Bizness to bounce and slide for two hours, then we'll come back here for pizza and cake.

And even though we couldn't do our normal big party planning, we did continue with our kids' very favorite birthday tradition. Mom and Dad decorated for the party while the kids were sleeping. It reminds me a lot of Christmas Eve!

Our creative kid wanted to rummage through left-over decorations to help him choose his theme. He settled on sports, meets Cars, meets Batman, meets generic balloon hats!

At this exact moment - five years ago - I started having contractions. As the day progressed, so did my labor. Twenty hours later, our boy arrived.

So... While the party is the day before his actual birthday, big things were happening five years ago. A favorite cherished memory for Mom.

Love and marriage

2011-07-27T21:29:00.001-05:00

So... My son is in love with me. Marriage love.

After firm warnings to not get out of bed tonight, he wandered out after just a few minutes with tears streaming and the saddest little look on his face. When I asked what was wrong, he said:

"I want you and Daddy to get divorced."

Surprised and perplexed, I asked why.

"So I can grow up and marry you."

I explained that divorce would mean that he would only get Daddy and me part time for the rest of his life, and that I will be his girl forever and ever.

Then Bryan arrived on the scene and... to turn that sad, sad frown upside down... Bryan offered to step aside when Luke's all grown-up so that he can marry me.

Luke's reply? "Okay. And you can live really close by and visit us all the time."

Gone swimmin'

2011-07-26T08:27:00.000-05:00

We bought a family pass to the public pools when they went on sale for half off.

Cheap entertainment.

Lots of fun!

Luke learned to swim this summer. No more swim vests!

They are both sliding maniacs.

They perfected their handstands.

And Mom and Dad sat down for the first time ever and just let the kids run...within reason, of course.

Sunrise bike dates

2011-07-26T07:55:00.003-05:00

It's 7:47am and I've been awake for over two hours.

I'm not usually an early morning person.

I met my friend Mandy for an 8 mile bike ride at 6am. Returned home at 7:15 and kissed Zach and Bryan as they headed out for Junior Golf. I jumped rope for a few minutes (and learned that jumping rope is not just child's play!) and am now relaxing with a cup of coffee. I'm thinking that jump rope, bike and run would be a fun training combo.

I only get up early like this to exercise.

The first time I made a 6am bike date, Bryan laughed out loud. My friend Erin could hear him through the phone! She laughed too. And I then I ran three minutes late. But I loved it so much that I've repeatedly made early morning bike dates with a few different girlfriends...and haven't been late since that first one!

Why have I not started my mornings like this before?

We watched the sun rise over the river today. Simply gorgeous.

A good morning, indeed.

Growing up

2011-07-25T22:58:00.002-05:00

These past several days have been really fun. We went to St. Louis for a much needed get-away over the weekend...but the fun was so much more than just getting away from home. Following the suggestions of many, many friends, we took our crew to City Museum. I'd heard people talk about this place, and I'd seen pictures, but nothing prepared me for what this place is! I'd expected to find things to climb up in, through and on. I did not expect to find that the entire place is filled with trails, holes, bridges, tunnels, caves, buildings, and passageways - and everything connects. Following our children into all of this fun was not always an option, as many of the spaces are too small for an adult. Watching them from the outside was almost never an option indoors, as every re-bar tunnel ultimately led to a solid structure that we couldn't see into. In no time, our children had disappeared - and they didn't pop out through the exits we'd expected!

Honestly, this place would have given us panic attacks had we even considered going prior to last weekend.

As we settled in and got a feel for the place, their staff and how closely they were paying attention to stray or crying children, we decided to give our boys a little room and responsibility. I gave Zach my cell phone, showed him how to call Bryan's cell phone, gave the kids firm instructions for staying together, cooperating, never leaving a man behind, and checking in with Mom and Dad very often... and off our smiling children went. They checked in with us every 5-10 minutes and were almost never heard bickering. Eventually Bryan and I settled in and actually sat down. It was amazing. Our children are growing up. They are becoming trustworthy and responsible.

I won't even go into bravery here - but let me tell you - they are BRAVE. Climbing tunnels 6 1/2 stories high and exploring in the dark without parental supervision. They are brave rock stars!

We took them to the pool tonight. This pool is intended for the younger crowd - mostly preschool thru early elementary. There's a play structure with a few medium sized slides, a 2' deep wave pool, a zero depth pool, one tall slide, and one little pool with a maximum depth of 4'. There are lifeguards everywhere, and only one entrance and exit. It's a pretty safe place to let the kids play...and by the end of the night, Bryan and I actually sat down poolside for the first time ever at a public pool.

The kids are growing up and we're beginning to let go. I am so proud to see how easily Zach took leadership at City Museum. He was so responsible with the phone - he had to call us a few times - and safely led sobbing Luke out when he bonked his head near the end of our visit. Zach patiently went through "babyish" things for Luke's sake without complaining, and both boys' mantra became "Never leave a man behind." I'm delighted that we're still hearing that even though we've been home for 36 hours!

In what seems like a blink of an eye, the kids have matured. I am so proud of them. It is a blast watching them grow up and take on more responsibilities. I've always said that my goal is to raise competent young men and not over-sized babies. Before long, I will be able to check "uses public restrooms without Mom's supervision" off the list.

It may not seem like much, but giving Zach that responsibility - and watching him flourish in it - has been the highlight of my summer. I am so proud of my guys.

Fully alive

2011-07-19T10:31:00.000-05:00

In about an hour, I will be getting a baseline mammogram. I was thinking nothing of it, till I ran into a girlfriend yesterday who told me that she was diagnosed with a very aggressive breast cancer in early June. She looks wonderful and feels great. No pain, no discomfort, no concerns...just a routine mammogram that discovered her cancer. She will miss her husband's 20 year high school reunion next month, as her double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery is two days prior. And she was all smiles as she told me.

I love her zest for life. She understands living life to the full!

As I showered this morning, I prayed for my sweet friend Marcy and her upcoming surgery, and my high school BFF Kobi who is currently undergoing radiation for Hodgkins Lymphoma. I prayed also for my dear friend Adam, who lost his beloved Aimee to breast cancer in April 2010. As I prayed for complete healing and a cancer-free outcome for Marcy and Kobi, I also prayed that all three of my friends would embrace new life lessons through their circumstances.

One lesson that I learned...through the unexpected news that my father had died of AIDS...is to embrace every single day. Life is such a precious gift. I uncovered the news of my father's passing while training for a 5K benefiting AIDS affected and infected orphans in South Africa. Talk about timing... Every run thereafter was flooded with gratitude that I could run. My father spent his final weeks lying in a VA hospital bed, most certainly unable to run. At some point, AIDS infected orphans in South Africa are also lying in beds. In those weeks of training for the 5K, I ran for them. I continue to run, bike and swim today for everyone who cannot...

I have always been a pretty adventurous gal. I've been to Canada and Europe and I've cruised just about every Caribbean destination. I socialize easily and am not afraid to try foreign languages or escargot. However... Until my 30's, I used adventure as a way to escape reality. My life was pretty sad when I was wounded and far from God. I am so happy - and so grateful - to have healed and learned enough that today's adventure is entirely about being fully plugged-in and engaged, rather than withdrawing and avoiding.

I pray for my friends, and for myself, that down days are days of rest and not days of waste. I pray that we all continually seek lives that are fully alive. Loving and serving. Worshiping. Learning and teaching. Exploring. Sharing. Connecting. Trusting.

My friend Aimee led the most exemplary fully alive life I've ever seen. I am beyond blessed to have known her.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

Reading for pleasure

2011-07-18T15:19:00.002-05:00

In April, I was fantasizing about reading for pleasure this summer. After spending all school year studying, I planned to enjoy myself over the break. I had no idea that reading for pleasure would mean reading triathlon books, online articles, and product reviews!

While it's received absolutely no reviews on Amazon.com, my favorite book is Sam Murphy's Traithlon: Start to Finish. She has great insight and advice and the book is an amazingly easy read! It's perfect for me. Active.com has a lot of articles that I've read too.

I keep reading that much of triathlon is mental. I've known for a long time that my endurance is entirely mental, and I have never had an inner competitor who pushed through pain or discomfort. If I want to walk, I walk. However, walking my bike sounds really embarrassing, so I've started to grow a little endurance and determination. What I've lacked in determination all these years, I've made up for in spunk and ambition. I finish everything I start, but I don't necessarily finish with gusto (but I am always smiling).

Somewhere I read one triathlete say that she talks to her legs when they want to give out. She's rather insulting, so I've had to tailor this approach. I've started saying (to my legs - sometimes out loud), "C'mon, girls, you can do this!!! Don't give up!" And...it works! I'm taking hills faster, never stopping, and figuring out how to shift efficiently.

And... As I've learned to stick it out on the bike, I've found that I have more endurance and determination while running too. Truth be told, running is my greatest weakness. But I had the best run ever yesterday - 3 miles in 33 minutes. Maybe I should be embarrassed by that, but this later 30's, mother-of-two, renowned run/walker is so very proud.

To my boys... The next time you want to quit because what you're doing is just too hard, remember that improvement only comes through studying and practicing. Also, you never learn anything if you get everything right the first time. Nothing is out of reach, young men. Now go practice something!

LifeGroups...

2011-07-14T11:28:00.000-05:00

...breathe life into their members. Love our LifeGroup.

Christian, Cheryl, Angie and Aiden - you will be sorely missed.

This summer's mothering challenge

2011-07-13T11:55:00.001-05:00

I have been writing this blog post in my head all summer; however, I've not actually put fingers to keyboard because I sound like an impatient, irritated, mean mom...and I do not want to embarrass my son.

But, truth be told, mothering is not always glamorous and there are times that I simply don't know what to do. This is one of those times.

Here it is... So far, my greatest challenge in raising Zach is reconciling how this extremely bright child does the wackiest things.

For several years now, I've been scratching my head and saying, "What would possess you to do that?" My tone is generally calm yet perplexed, but this summer I've found myself needing to walk out of the room before I say words I'd be willing to fight another person over. At the age of three, this young man held an intelligent conversation with a space museum worker about Gus Grissom, Ed White and Roger Chaffey. You know who Neil Armstrong is, but these other fellas? My son watched hours and hours of NASA documentaries before his third birthday! He could read in preschool and was doing multiplication in kindergarten. I have had to refer to Google during conversations with him since he was a toddler. The other day, he told me that he didn't want to be baptized because "he didn't feel the Lord leading him to make that public declaration yet". He is a mature thinker and super bright. He has impeccable manners. He is very responsible with things he values. He's figured out how to concoct a plan and manipulate people into doing what he wants. Yet... Sometimes he can't figure out (or merely won't do) the simplest things! He makes huge, inexplicable messes and stands (or sits) in the middle of them not knowing what to do. He touches everything in site, all the time, and sometimes these things break. No matter how many times he's told to stand back from fire, walk on wet pavement, go around puddles, or stay out of the mud, he inevitably does the exact opposite (yet finds biking downhill to be too dangerous!). And... He rode his bike out in front of a car the other day.

I caught myself saying, "Your baby brother can do this..." when Luke was just two years old. I try so hard not to say that...but it's often the case. To make matters worse, Luke is a totally independent self-starter. He practically walked out of my womb saying, "I'll do it myself, thank you very much." We have different challenges with Luke.

This summer I'm struggling with the overwhelming urge to say, "You're smarter than this." I know that I'm not saying, "What you've done is soooo dumb", but I'm just not sure how either of these statements write on the heart of a child. I've stuck with, "You know better...You know the rules...You know this is dangerous." but years of repetition haven't yet done the trick.

So... I feel like I'm spending much of my summer nagging and walking a fine line between teaching my child and tearing him down. I don't enjoy it.

Bryan keeps telling me that when Zach cures cancer, we'll understand that his mind was too busy processing more important things than, "Hang the bath towel" or "Don't flood the bathroom floor". But we'll only get to this cure for cancer if he learns to look at traffic while biking and not fall into a campfire.

First time on the course

2011-07-12T11:03:00.002-05:00

Gina and I went out to practice our swim and bike on the course last night. I was super nervous and intimidated. As a newbie, I envisioned all these polished racers whose way I would be in.

As it turns out, I passed the two swimmers in front of me and finished my 500 meters in 12 1/2 minutes. I could not have been more pleased! And those two girls... Well, this is not their first tri...and I passed them...pinch me! They were super nice and encouraging as we chatted after the swim.

I still can't believe I did that swim. I was so afraid of it.

Gina and I were the only ones on mountain bikes. And I was carrying a paper map since we'd never been on the course before. As we tried to make heads or tails of where we should be going, three bikers came up behind us. We asked if they were familiar with the course, and then announced that we'd just follow them. One of the ladies replied, "Not on those bikes." NO JOKE. I laughed and said we'd do our best to watch them way up ahead and follow where they lead. I will never recognize their faces, but we refer to them now as the mean girls.

The ride itself was amazing. Somehow, when clothed in a dripping wet swimsuit, 100 degrees doesn't feel bad at all as the sun is setting and the breeze is blowing. We were surrounded by pastures, crops, hay and beautiful houses and barns. How can anyone not believe in God, when you take in the majesty of His creation at sunset on a bike?

As we made our way back to our car after the ride, the mean girls were there cheering for us. Maybe they're not so mean after all.

We finished the bike course in 55 minutes.

We ran across the parking lot and back after the swim and bike. Our legs felt like logs! Good thing we have 59 days to work that out.

Good morning.

2011-07-09T09:40:00.000-05:00

I can't wipe the smile off my face this morning. I'm blissfully happy.

I woke up freezing, under a damp sheet, spooning my husband (er, smothering), adjacent to our boys that were on an almost flat air mattress, in our brand new tent (a "vacation lodge"), in our backyard. We didn't leave our house, but had a most magical time.

I'm a simple girl. It doesn't take much...

We roasted marshmallows and made s'mores. The boys set all of that up by themselves!

We played Uno in our tent after 10pm, by the light of our lantern. Luke laughed hysterically as he had to draw four, and drew cards that were all the same color. He was ready to smash the competition. He came in last place.

As we laid down to sleep, the boys bickered over who was taking too much of the blanket, and I determined to bring one for each of them next time. I think it will be easier that way.

The last thing everyone saw before dozing off was the night sky full of stars. Beautiful.

Zach was the first to fall asleep. Luke fell asleep holding my hand - as he always does in the tent. I thought Bryan was sleeping when he abruptly said, "Who IS that snoring?" It was Luke. Luke always snores in the tent. Bryan fell asleep third, and I laid there smiling and praying. I'm just so grateful for the simplicity of family and the sincere love and joy we share.

Whether at a park or in our backyard, I am loving this summer of camping!

A great fourth

2011-07-06T10:29:00.003-05:00

It was another great July 4th for our crew. If two-years-in-a-row constitutes a tradition, then we had our traditional celebration with the Stanions and Elliots. Dinner and fireworks.

My boys lit fireworks for the first time. They are their father's boys! Mom would rather sit back and enjoy the show, but all of the guys are into blowing things up.

Melissa was afraid to pull her popping strings apart!

Smoke bombs and sparklers are a huge hit.

Can you see the chicken who "laid an egg"? It's a crowd pleaser for all ages!

The boys... Next year we'll get a picture of all five kids.

A great time was had by all!

On the night of July 4th we headed out to Grandpa's to let off bigger fireworks and to watch the display at the high school across the street. It was raining when this tradition began last year, so it was nothing like what we saw this year. Neighbors all around us were letting off the most incredible fireworks I've ever seen. It was awesome! We're already counting the days till next year. 363.

Armed and dangerous...

The city's fireworks.

Now back to ours...

And... The tradition of short-sheeting Grandpa and hiding a dismembered arm in his shower continues. The family that pranks together, stays together.

Giving it a tri

2011-07-01T17:55:00.002-05:00

I saw on Facebook that a couple of girlfriends are doing a local sprint-distance triathlon. I pondered doing it myself for about 24 hours before mentioning it to my friends and Bryan. No one seemed to think I was crazy, so I'm going for it!

Facts that could support a theory of insanity...

We have no jobs, so we we don't have gym or public pool memberships.
This also means no personal trainer or swim coach.
I weigh almost as much today as I did when I gave birth to each of my children.
I haven't been on a bike since before I got pregnant with Zach in 2002.
I own a mountain bike, not a race bike.
I haven't owned a pair of swim goggles since I was on the swim team in 1985.
I haven't swam a single lap in our neighborhood pool since Luke was born in 2006.
Our neighborhood pool is 50 feet long. My sprint tri swim is 500 meters - that's 1,640 feet.
That's 33 dizzying laps in our little pool.
Did I mention that I am afraid of what lurks beneath the lake's surface?

But I can run, and this is a beginner's sprint-distance race and I know some really fun women who are doing it. It is such an exciting challenge!

A 3.5 mile run is no problem these days....but I can't wait to see how easy it is for me after a 500 meter swim and 10 miles on the bike!

I dusted my bike off two days ago and Bryan refilled the near-empty tires. I rode for 5.5 miles with no trouble at all. My rear was a little sore from balancing on the tiny seat, but otherwise I felt nothing. Will give the full 10 miles a shot early tomorrow morning.

Yesterday I began swimming. This will be my biggest hurdle, as I simply cannot breathe while swimming freestyle for any distance. I swam a little more than 500 meters today, but much of it was the breast stroke and I had a lot of starts and stops. I've got to figure out how to train for the swim by myself - maybe I should put Coach Bryan on this. Right now I'm relying on sheer practice, repetition, reading and youtube videos.

I'm so excited. The training journey is a blast. The race itself will be the culmination (end...proof) of all the hard work, so I plan to enjoy every minute of the training.

I can't wait to work up the endurace to take my swim out into the open water! But, I wonder... Where can I get a protective bubble to keep the fish and snakes at bay, and not have to walk on the lake floor? Getting into that lake for my first training swim will be an enormous accomplishment in and of itself.

I'm tri-ing! Race day: Sept. 10.

Happy campers

2011-06-26T09:50:00.004-05:00

We haven't had a "normal" summer in years.

In 2009, Bryan was on a night shift and working 6-7 days per week. He'd leave home around 4pm and return around 4am. He slept during the day, so the summer flew by without Bryan participating in much of our usual summer activities.

In 2010, Bryan was laid-off and we were running a paper route to make ends meet. The paper was delivered seven days a week, 2am-7am Monday through Saturday and 2am-10am on Sunday. Again, we rested at odd times. We were never away from the house overnight.

It has been a long time since we've had any room in our schedule for extended periods of family fun.

But this summer... Bryan is laid-off again and my teaching job doesn't start until August. Since we have the time - but limited funds - we have decided to explore the great outdoors around us.

We took our first camping trip last week. We waited for a storm-free forecast...and headed up to a nearby lake for 24 hours.

Our family has taken incredible vacations to Washington D.C. and Estes Park, CO...but Zach declared our camping trip to be "the best vacation ever" as we were headed into the tent for bed.

Does it get any better than that?

We grilled burgers and hotdogs. We had s'mores and hung out around the fire pit with our "neighbors". We took walks. We watched deer. We took a late night trip to the playground.

We woke to the call of an owl. The boys stepped foot on their first beach. We swam in the lake. We built sand castles and buried our feet in the sand. We read.

We handled a lot of nightcrawlers and minnows. We tried to catch a catfish and a crocodile, but came up empty-handed.

We listened to music. We jumped rope. We played soccer. We blew bubbles and drew with chalk.

We climbed trees. We watched birds. We watched the sun set over the lake.

We attracted geese every time we were near the water.

Our camping trip was magical.

Oh my word!!!

2011-06-21T09:48:00.002-05:00

Bryan is with Zach and our nephews at Junior Golf. Luke just left with my sister-in-law for a surprise date. I'm home alone.

This rarely happens!

And... It's 70 degrees at 9:45am in late June.

It's a 2+ mile run outdoors kind of day!

Every time I run I want to write about it. I run often, write about it rarely. I want to write about it because it's such an accomplishment for me now-a-days. Running a mile as a teenager was a whole lot easier than running 2-3 miles in my late 30's... post babies, post injuries, with an entirely different body --- but a healthy mindset. I never knew I had this sort of determination or wellness in me! Every time I run, I'm reminded that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Praise God.

Disciples in the making

2011-06-21T08:42:00.003-05:00

Last night, Zach and I decided to read the Bible together this summer. I let him choose where we'd start, and he picked John. (He has been obsessed with reading John lately!) There are 21 chapters in John, so I figured we could tackle one a night and it would take three weeks. As I got started reading though, Zach didn't want to put it down. We read through chapter 3. (And he was begging me to keep reading when I put it away.) At this rate, it will take us a week.

These are stories and lessons that I've read 100 times, but it is very exciting to explain them to my hungry little 7 1/2 year old. He gets this excited look on his face - like it's his birthday or Christmas morning - or when he's doing challenging math! Zachary loves God's word as much as he loves math. That's saying something!

It has been so exciting to watch Zach grow in his faith. It seems like we spent forever camped out on the story of "the guys in the fire". We read about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego every day for at least a year when he was three or four. And Zachary gave a Bible to his preschool class for Christmas when he was five, and often wanted to buy Bibles for friends that he didn't think had one.

Sharing God's word with our children has been an immeasurable joy.

I love that John repeatedly mentions disciples - both Jesus' and John's disciples. It hits home the message that more experienced people are meant to train less experienced people. That those who know God are meant to tell others about him. It demonstrates just what a willing and available teacher Jesus was...the sort we ought to mimic. This goes hand-in-hand with Thursday's VBS memory verse, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations,baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20

At a glace, this 1,208 page book with big words and deep meaning can feel overwhelming for an adult to read, let alone a child. But it's words are so precious, so life-giving, so applicable to everyday life... This book is a gift for every man, woman and child. I am abundantly blessed to get to share it with my children. I cannot wait to see what John chapter 4 has in store for us today.

Art galleries

2011-06-20T10:10:00.000-05:00

Stop by our house almost any day of the summer and you will recognize the odor of paste, Sharpie, or tempera paint. The kitchen table and floor will likely be littered with art supplies, paint drips, glue smears and paper scraps. Summer is a free-for-all art fest. Galleries hang throughout the house.

Here are their most recent galleries.

Beloved Star Wars guys -R2D2, Greedo, Darth Vader, Jango Fett, Boba Fett.

Here's a thought

2011-06-20T09:46:00.002-05:00

Luke: "I would hate to have a little sister. But I would LOVE to have a little brother who is a droid."
~ bedtime, June 19, 2011

VBS in pictures

2011-06-19T20:30:00.000-05:00

Can every day be a VBS day?

2011-06-14T12:57:00.005-05:00

VBS week is always a highlight of my year.

This morning, as Pastor Schaun was in the process of asking 500+ kids in the main worship rally to bow their heads and silently offer a prayer from their heart, the little boy next to me bowed his head and said his beautiful, honest, heart-felt prayer aloud. I couldn't help but reach out and put my hand on his back, joining him in prayer.

And as I taught my Bible story today, all of the kids were engaged with incredibly insightful questions and answers. They were so curious (and a little grossed out) about the woman who cleaned Jesus' feet with her tears, oil and hair. But mostly they were amazed by just how repentant she was and how much she loved Jesus. We had wonderful discussions about faith, Jesus' forgiveness and love, and the peace that comes with it.

"Your sins are forgiven...Your faith has saved you; go in peace." Luke 7:48-50

Among the many obvious church-goers who are familiar with various Bible stories, there is one boy in particular who does not fall into that category. Yesterday he asked for a Bible to take home with him. Today, he had loads of questions. As I was sharing the story of the woman washing Jesus' feet, he interrupted with a very important question... "She did all this for a baby?" I explained that by this time Jesus was a grown man, probably about 30 years old. My response set the scene for many questions.

"If Jesus is God's son, does that make Mary God's wife?" "Did Jesus die?" "What do you mean, he died on a cross?" "Why did they kill him?" "Well, gee... They didn't have to KILL him." "Are heaven and hell the same place?" "Is there food in heaven? Water in hell?" "Is hell under ground?" "Why did the wise men bring Jesus gifts?" "Why was perfumed oil so special?" "People say that God and Jesus are the same person. How is that possible?" "Yesterday you said God created the world. Who created God?"

What an amazing gift it is to be a part of these moments. Getting to pray with a child who already has so much faith, gratitude and confidence that praying aloud while surrounded by 500+ people didn't seem strange. And getting to answer exciting questions offered up by a 7 year old who knows a little about the Baby Jesus, but almost nothing about the grown man whose ministry changed the world and will never cease to save lives.

These conversations do not happen with complete strangers as part of everyday life. It makes me wish that every day could be a VBS day.

Today I pray especially for those kids at VBS who do not know Jesus. I pray that their teachers see their faces and hear their questions. I pray that amidst all the chaos and schedules to be kept, that opportunities to talk and answer questions do not get missed. I pray that every kid meets Jesus this week.

Even children need a savior

2011-06-12T17:27:00.002-05:00

I signed up to teach VBS in early February and spent the rest of that month recruiting other teachers to help me. In early March we went to the kick-off meeting.

I then promptly put VBS on the back burner for the next three months.

Last week I dug out my leader's guide and got serious about planning. We set up our classroom this afternoon. Kids show up tomorrow morning at 8:40am. I am officially excited about VBS.

As I was making up one of our crafts this afternoon, my friend came into the room and peeked over my shoulder. As she looked down on my sad little suitcase craft, she read the tag that said "God has a PERFECT plan for my life" and began to well with tears. Like me, my friend knows what it is to live a life without Jesus, and knows just what a precious gift his perfect plan really is.

As I have planned for VBS this year, I have done so more intentionally than ever before. I keep thinking about another friend whose testimony includes a horribly abusive childhood and an older woman she met at camp who told her about a Jesus who "could save her from absolutely anything and restore her life." At nine years of age, my friend had the wisdom and maturity --- or was it the way the woman explained it to her? --- to understand that God would not necessarily remove her from the presence of these horribly abusive people, but that He would rescue her emotionally and spiritually. She understood at such a tender young age that God had a perfect plan for her.... A plan to give her a hope and a future. The promise of a full life.

As I teach these amazing little 1st graders this week at VBS, I will be thinking of my friend - the little girl who was seeking a savior and met Him at summer camp. With the knowledge that even small children need a savior, I pray that God will give me his heart, his words, his eyes, his sensitivities and his timing so that no opportunity is missed this week.

The grace of God

2011-06-10T23:43:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, Bryan, Zach and I were watching a TV show about a divorced mother of triplets living in a small mid-western town. The babies had been born prematurely, seemingly relatively healthy. However, as they aged, symptoms of their premature births became obvious and eventually worsened. Two of the three children - now school-aged - are confined to wheel chairs as a result of a muscular degeneration disorder. A local man unsuccessfully tried to get them on Extreme Home Makeover. Undeterred - and deep down very happy they were turned down by the TV show - the man took matters into his own hands and rallied their entire town around this family and completely updated and modified their home. During very difficult economic times, thousands of volunteers - some laid-off and homeless themselves - gave their time to work on the home, and hundreds of thousands of dollars were raised locally and by surrounding communities. It was a beautiful picture of a community coming together to help a family in need.

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Galations 5:13-14

And tonight, Zach and I watched a short piece on 20/20 about children with Williams' Syndrome. It's a peculiar syndrome with significant health issues as well as learning and social difficulties. A person living with Williams' Syndromes is socially uninhibited and deeply desires meaningful relationships; however, they lack the fundamental skills needed for meaningful relationships. Often, this leaves someone with Williams' Syndrome vulnerable to heartbreak and misfortune. However, one benefit of the syndrome is that they are generally quite happy and are naturally drawn to love on others. Regardless of the many physical, social and emotional hurdles, I loved how one little girl summed up her life... "God made every one of us just the way we are, and anything is possible with the grace of God."

She couldn't have been more than 10 years old, and she's already got the key to a full life. As I walk through motherhood, I pray daily that my children will not only learn this lesson in their youth, but that they will cling to it firmly throughout their lives.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:26

Life... Abundant life.

2011-06-08T20:34:00.005-05:00

My friend gave me a little gift on Sunday morning.

I immediately commented on how I love John 10:10 so very much. That scripture puts a smile on my face every time I see it. God has so abundantly given me a full life.

I especially love it in its entirety. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." The thief had stolen a great deal from me. The thief attempted to destroy me, along with future generations. But God sent his son so that I would have life. Abundant life.

As I often do though ... I opened my mouth and inserted my foot. I tend to be a little sarcastic, thinking of myself as witty and clever.

I read the scripture aloud, said: "Did Jesus hatch from an egg?", and gave my friend a wink.

Seriously. I said that. Feel free to smack me.

I love the egg and I said as much...but then I cracked my joke and sounded like a jerk.

Thankfully my friend is merciful and was willing to explain something to me that I'd never heard. The egg is a symbol of life. Birth. Rebirth. Resurrection.

I will never again look at an egg without this in mind. As I'm scrambling, boiling or cracking one open, I won't think about the chick that didn't hatch; rather, I will remember the risen Savior and my own miraculously restored life. (The chick that finally did hatch...all because of Him!)

He's given me abundant life.

Thank you, God, for amazing friends who put up with me and love me so much more than I deserve. They are such a precious part of my abundant life. My cup runneth over.

It's beginning to look a lot like summer

2011-06-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

I love Luke's flippers and goggles - to use in the sprinkler! And his shoes. He didn't like getting grass on his feet. He also got out the pool torpedo, water guns and a kick board. He used the kick board as his shield. The boys had a great time... Getting the sprinkler out ended their whining about the pool being closed.

Always thankful for simple things that entertain little boys...and fill the house and yard with giggles!

Bliss

2011-06-03T10:31:00.001-05:00

Treadmill ownership means...

A/C and a fan
Water
No babysitter required
No hip pain
Singing along to my iPod
Runs at anytime of the day/night
Wearing whatever I want
Not having to call home for a ride

Bliss...

Thank you, Bob and Bryan, for moving her in.

He has a gift

2011-06-02T18:19:00.003-05:00

Zach was born with a tremendous interest in the people around him. As young as age two, he was acutely aware of others' emotions. I have never shed a tear in his presence without a hug, an arm around my shoulders, or his hand reaching for mine. I have never shared good news without Zach having a high-five or an enthusiastic hug for me, all while wearing an ear-to-ear grin. It's as if Zach feels what those around him are feeling.

Zach is a giver of compliments and encouragement. He's recently taken to videoing Luke's games, and I love to hear him in the background rooting for his brother. He's also the guy patting friends on the back when something has gone wrong, promising that everything will be alright. He inspires greatness rather than complaining about defeat.

Zach is a helper. He's ready with gentle advice and assistance when he notices a friend in need. He's also the boy on the field helping every injured player up, regardless of which team they're on or what's going on in the game.

Zach is thoughtful and generous. He personally selects birthday gifts for his friends, and he loves giving tokens of his appreciation to his teachers and coaches. Whether it's an apple, a picture, a homemade card, home-baked goodies, or a store bought present, all gifts from Zach are chosen specifically for the recipient. He often brings notes home from school and church, written to let a family member know they were thought of while Zach was away.

Zach prefers intimate settings to large group activities. Parties are fun, but he'd much rather play one-on-one with a good friend. He's generally found on the outskirts of a group or at the end of a line, hanging with one or two friends... He's not the center-of-attention type.

He's been this way all of his life. Zachary is a person who cherishes closeness, intimacy and relationships. I deeply admire his ability at such a young age to genuinely express love and affection, and to give without expecting anything in return. His expressiveness is a gift that many spend a lifetime cultivating. His kindness, remarkable. There are countless things that I adore about my son, but this ranks at the top of the list. He is so real, and so full of love.

Purposefully woven

2011-06-01T00:44:00.007-05:00

Long ago I stopped believing in coincidences. I don't know how God has the time, or even why He cares so much, but it seems to me that God orchestrates every detail of every day. There are just too many times that I've looked back on something in my life and saw the hand of God.

There are huge times... Abusive or destructive times when He delivered a rescuer in the flesh. And then not-so-huge times (in catastrophic terms)... When He's just lined up the right people to be in the right place at the right time.

A weekday afternoon in early August 2009 was one of those times. The boys and I had just presented the money raised by the '09 bike-a-thon to the foster agency during a luncheon, and we stopped at Chic-fil-a afterwards to play. Since we'd just eaten, I don't even know if we purchased a soda that day! We just came to play. The kids quickly tossed aside their shoes and busied themselves with two other children in the play area, while I sat on a bench with the mother of these new-found friends. She and I made small talk, which quickly turned to much deeper talk. Her husband was in seminary at the time, and they'd recently moved from the south. Mississippi, I think. We talked seminary, homeschooling, public schooling, bike-a-thon, support groups, sexual abuse, hope & healing, Women of Faith, kids' sports, church, etc. I think we both stayed way longer than we'd anticipated. We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses, and quickly became Facebook friends. We have often made tentative plans to get the kids together to play, but we hadn't seen each other again until last Thursday.

That was when I went for a job interview at her new homeschool enrichment center.

What I didn't know when we met nearly two years ago is that... I would return to college to finish my degree in Elementary Education. That I would fall deeper in love with writing and public speaking. That our family would be put in a position where I needed to return to work before our children were in school full time.

What Melissa didn't know is that... She would move to within about 25 minutes of my house. And that she would start a homeschool enrichment center in her new town.

But God knew. He has woven my life together with my friend Melissa's for this very purpose - and many others too! Through Melissa's invitation, God has opened the door for me to teach public speaking and writing to homeschooled children grades 1-8. He is giving me this incredible opportunity to learn and grow in my own abilities, while teaching kids to do what I'm so passionate about.

Everyday I am grateful for words and the ability to put a few together in coherent sentences. I have felt for some time now that writing and speaking are meant to play a big part in my future. This new opportunity has me so excited. I cannot wait to see where this leads!

Thank you, God, for the sweet friendship I've cultivated with Melissa. And thank you so very much for the opportunity to share this gift you've so generously given to me with your kids. Might these children and their families be blessed, as I am certain my family and I will be.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Everything has been created through him and for him. He existed before everything else began, and he holds all creation together." Colossians 1:16-17

Gone campin'

2011-05-31T08:22:00.002-05:00

Thirty years from now I want my kids to remember stuff like Sunday night. It was Memorial Day weekend and we were finally forecast a night without rain. We decided to make it a camping night.

Our first time ever camping!

We pitched a tent in the backyard.

We bought a very fancy "firepit" for $5 at Walgreens. The charcoal cost $3.50.

While the boys and I went after s'mores necessities (and the firepit we stumbled upon) Bryan ran over to Home Depot for some tiki torches.

Why don't we sit around a fire as a family more often?

The boys tried to put out the lights as bedtime approached.

And the giggling inside the tent was more than I could have imagined.

We no sooner got semi-settled before our next door neighbor let their dog out. As the dog barked at us, we couldn't help but bark back. I hope he's not scarred by it - we thought it was hysterical.

To help us settle down again, Bryan invented a game that involved giving compliments to each other, in alphabetical order. A for Daddy... Daddy is AWESOME! The boys' favorite was Q for Luke... Luke is QUEEN!

As my family drifted off to sleep, I recognized each of their breathing patterns, body twitches and snoring. I was so happy to be there. I was wide awake, so I stayed still and prayed. How could I not? God gave us an incredible evening that I will forever cherish.

Talk about a simple, yet wonderful, staycation.

Moving on

2011-05-29T20:01:00.000-05:00

Another school year has come and gone.

As predicted, Luke loved school. He made a lot of new friends and grew relationships with many children he's known all of his life. He went on his first ever drop-off playdates and received invitations to friends' birthday parties. He finished 4 year old preschool able to count into the hundreds, doing very simple math and beginning to read. The closing program was a real treat, as he is quite enthusiastic when he sings and dances! He might feign shyness and protest picture taking, but deep down he enjoys the spotlight.
.

As we were sitting through the closing program, I knew it was possible that we were saying a final goodbye to this very special school. We have loved it here. (I had a job interview nine hours after the program....) As it turns out, we are leaving. I will be teaching at a homeschool enrichment center, where Luke will attend as a kindergartner. We are excited about my new job, but leaving this beloved school and teachers who have become dear friends is bittersweet.

Zachary loved first grade, but that too has come to an end. A part of Zach would like to skip second grade and just move on to third. Most of all, he'd just like to hang with his cousin, but I think he'd miss his friends a lot more than he realizes. Besides, second grade is the natural next step, so it's the one he'll take. And he'll love it!

The next time we put on "school clothes" we'll be a grade older - and I will be a teacher! Luke will be 5 and Zach will be approaching his 8th birthday. Time is flying by...but as I look at these photos I can't help but feel grateful that it's flying by with so many of the same friends we've had for years.

Field Day Fun

2011-05-25T21:00:00.006-05:00

Jump the creek

Tug-O-War

Boys with big egos...

...are humbled by girls who let go of the rope!

Little brother.

Friends.

Sack lunch in the classroom.

A quick picture with Mom.

5th grade friend who asks for my preschooler's hand on the walk to the car after school.

There was also a tornado scare, but I already blogged that...

Seeking shelter

2011-05-25T20:02:00.001-05:00

As tornado sirens blared in our community this morning, our family hunkered down in a shelter hallway at Zach's grade school. It was Field Day and Bryan, Luke and I had come over to take in the entertainment.

We got a little more than we bargained for, but there was nowhere else I'd rather have been. A really devastating tornado hit Joplin, MO over the weekend, so everyone's weather sensitivities are hightened right now.

As I watch TV footage of the devastation from the Joplin tornado, I'm reminded also of my sexual abuse recovery groups and the men and women everywhere whose lives are in shambles. My sexual abuse recovery groups are never far from my mind during tornado season. You see, we met on Thursday nights during our very first semester 3 years ago, and just about every Thursday night there were tornado watches, warnings and sirens blaring. We met several times in a lower room in our church while seeking shelter.

The name of our study? Shelter From the Storm. How's that for poetic? It was never lost on us.

It may seem morbid, but I snapped this picture today. (Those are my boys in the left foreground.)

As I look at this picture of the kids seeking shelter today, so many thoughts run through my mind. My body aches just thinking about the position they sat in. I sat like that for about 5 seconds before my legs were in agony - the children were like that for twenty minutes. The majority of the children were perfectly calm, but I suspect that is only because they don't know enough yet to really understand how powerful and destructive tornadoes are. On the outside, every adult appeared to be holding it together; but I noticed some shaking hands, teary eyes and worried whispers. It was hot and uncomfortable in the hallway. Adults passed out file folders to use to fan the masses of children, but it was still very stuffy. Kids were hungry, and there was no food available. Some needed to use the restroom. It was difficult to remain quiet for the duration.

The fear, discomfort and difficulty faced in this situation is comparable to that faced by a survivor of sexual abuse. The position an abused child is placed in is unbearably painful. Rarely does a child directly report abuse, but if you look closely there are often signs. Many adult survivors look like they have it all together, only to be dying inside - many destroying themselves with their self-destructive choices and behaviors. All too often, adults notice little things that are just "off" about a child or family, but do little more than fan a child with small doses of care while leaving the child in a crushing environment. The abused child is starved of love, appropriate affection, and protection. The abused child's needs are not met. The abused child is not heard, and grows into an adult who cannot begin to heal until they share their painful secret.

There is no doubt in my mind that prayers were said in that hallway today. There were prayers said throughout the city, I'm sure. And just like there were people praying through the storm today, there are people scattered throughout every survivor's life who pray for them. I believe God honors prayer. And He uses our pain for good, and gives purpose even to the garbage of our lives. He rescues. He restores.

We can hunker down in the sturdiest storm shelter known to man, but God is our one true shelter.

"You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in their distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat." Isaiah 25:4

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Genesis 50:20

"When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day." Psalm 32:3

"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along." Psalm 40:2

I praise God for the tremendous recovery in my life...and for each recovery story I've heard or have been privileged to be a part of. I love that He is an ever-present shelter and source of comfort, healing, peace and joy.

Secret admirer

2011-05-24T12:36:00.000-05:00

Zachary wins candy at church every Sunday for answering questions, memorizing verses, and participating in discussion. With his food restrictions, most candies are off limits nowadays - including everything handed out during Sunday school. I'd told Zach that he could still accept the candy and that I would just swap them out at home, but he came up with his own plan.

He asked for a paper sack, and decorated it...

He brought the candies home for his brother. He never complained that it wasn't fair, nor did he ask for a special treat. He had a gift for his brother, and expected nothing in return.

He included a note too.

A new era

2011-05-22T16:56:00.000-05:00

Aside from his family, Bryan's first love was baseball.

By the time he was two years old, he was watching entire MLB games with his family. In t-ball, he was turning triple plays! His dad coached all of his little league teams. He played on a highly competitive legion team during the summers in high school; even arriving a week late to college because his legion team was playing in the World Series! He was on baseball scholarships throughout college and aspired to play in the Majors till a shoulder injury ended his college career his senior year. Evidently he had a legendary pick-off move to second base.

I'd known Bryan since 8th grade, but somehow I missed the fact that he was a baseball superstar. I just thought he was a tall, skinny, goofy kid with big ears who could sing! As I've reconnected with former high school teachers and peers, I've found that everyone remembers Bryan as an awesome ball player. I wish that I'd known that part of Bryan. (We'll have to get out those old VHS tapes again.)

So... Upon hearing those three most perfect words - It's a Boy! - Bryan immediately had visions of baseballs, bats, striped jerseys, scorching bleachers, sweaty ball caps, shining cleats and rubbing shaving cream into a glove. It was only human to dream of a little baseball player to follow in his footsteps.

He didn't expect soccer. He had no idea how much he could LOVE and DELIGHT in soccer. But we do. Our oldest boy chose soccer and Bryan has never missed a beat coaching his teams and making investments in his boy's soccer ambitions. Grandpa has always been completely plugged in too, as he's helped coach practice on occasion and has been a constant source of coaching advice for his son.

As our younger boy is coming of sporting age and figuring out what interests him, a fabulous new era began. On Saturday, Luke had his first t-ball game. His first little league colors are the same as his daddy's first college uniform - Grandpa pointed that out.

Luke looks a lot like his mother, but his personality is so much more his father's. Ornery, quick-witted, hilarious, energetic, athletic, can do anything. I look forward to watching him on the t-ball field this summer.

I look forward to seeing where the future takes each of my kids.

A pair

2011-05-20T12:28:00.000-05:00

I often find it hard to believe that these little people are a part of me. God knit them together in my womb and entrusted them to my care and teaching. When I look into their faces and ponder this incredible gift, it is completely overwhelming. An overjoyed kind of overwhelming.

They have my dad's eyes and my nose. Between them, they have a pair of dimples... Had you ever noticed that Zach has a right dimple and Luke a left? God made them to be a pair! I pray that my boys will always cherish one another and remain close throughout their entire lives.

They are the best things I've ever done.

Do over

2011-05-19T09:53:00.009-05:00

My friend Cori wrote this hysterical blog post the other day about her son's temper tantrum... and she used the word "possessed" in reference to her youngest blessing. Boy could I relate.

Take last night.

I had class - my last final of the semester, by the way - so Bryan was alone with the kids. They'd been going at it since Zach got home from school, and Bryan decided to capture some of the craziness on video so they could watch themselves later. Luke was attacking Zach in the backyard with a (stale) loaf of bread. You read that right - a loaf of bread! Each time Luke would lunge at Zach with the loaf of bread, Zach would "defend" himself with a plastic baseball bat. There was shouting and crying... I'm sure the neighbors loved it.

No children were harmed in the making of this video, but boy did they feel bad later when they saw it!

After we put the kids to bed, we asked ourselves: "What on earth is going on that's caused this craziness?"

Could it be...

That Mom has been very busy studying for finals?
That Dad had to work through Mother's Day weekend, only to get laid-off five days later?
That, in the middle of finals, Mom also had a garage sale?
That Zach had "a week of stage fright" last week?
That Zach has been in pain?
That Zach saw the inside of a doctor's office and radiology labs three times in a week?
That Zach has had to change his diet dramatically...and constantly has to explain it?
That the school year is coming to an end, bringing sadness, excitement and nervousness?

I can see why my kids are out of sorts. It's time for our family to regroup and slow down - even if just for a family movie night, story time, or craft.

Bryan was so awesome this morning... He apologized to the kids for losing his cool last night and we explained that Mom and Dad are going to be more intentional about helping them resolve their disputes and deal with whatever emotions they are feeling. The children are responsible for their behavior, but there is room here for grace and understanding...and modeling how to appropriately deal with stress, illness, bad news, and over scheduling. I can assure you that they have never seen Bryan hit me with a loaf of bread or a baseball bat...but they have certainly heard raised voices in this house. We are rethinking our discipline.

I'm grateful this morning for do-overs. Today Bryan and I are more aware of our thoughts, feelings and emotions, and we will be mindful of those of our children. They take their cues from us.

"Now it's up to you. Be on your toes—both for yourselves and your congregation of sheep. The Holy Spirit has put you in charge of these people—God's people they are—to guard and protect them. God himself thought they were worth dying for. " Acts 20:28

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

I Love My Mom, by Zach

2011-05-11T11:40:00.006-05:00

In honor of Mother's Day, the first graders at Zach's school wrote books about their mothers. Each class had an Author's Party on Monday, allowing each of the children a chance to read their book in front their classmates and their moms. The books were awesome. Some of my favorite quotes... "My mom's favorite TV show is American Idol... and she watches a lot of Fox News." "My mom shows respect for me by cleaning my room." "My mom makes me feel good and goofy." "My mom likes the Yankees, because she really likes to watch Derek Jeter." Out of the mouths of babes... Precious!

In very typical Zach style - and a lot like his mother - he uses a lot of adjectives and provides many details about a few things, rather than few details about a lot of things. He made me laugh as he read about our "peaceful" drives and "graceful" meals, as those are not words I'd use to describe any portion of our daily lives!

And... Details of Sunday school totally took over the first half of the book. Since I consider sharing Christ with my boys to be my greatest responsibility, I take this section of the book as a tremendous compliment. He loves church. He loves God. And he loves his "Christian, great mom".

Zach, I couldn't be more proud. As you read about your church that you love so much, 19 other kids and their parents were listening. You may never know, but you might have encouraged someone to start going to church! I am also very proud of how well you have overcome your stage fright. It took tremendous courage for you to get up there and read in front of an audience. You did great!! Daddy and I are so very proud of the young man you are becoming.

Blessed

2011-05-08T17:09:00.005-05:00

I'd received four text messages wishing me a happy Mother's Day before 9am today. Not one was from my husband or children (not yet). People think of me every year on this day that is so special... I think people remember me because they know that I'm missing my mother. More accurately, I'm missing the mother she has not yet been able to be... I have a loving brother and wonderful friends, extended family, and in-laws. I am so thankful for them!

I am blessed.

I am blessed beyond measure by a Father who is a father to the fatherless (and a mother to the motherless).

When I was still very wounded and broken, this scripture breathed life into me like none other. I am His.

And He gave me this.

Little people to love and enjoy every day of my life. And an awesome husband!!

Like I said... I am so blessed.

"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy." Psalm 68:5-6

God has freed me and given me joy beyond all measure and expectation. He has given me a most amazing family in people I hadn't dared dream could exist for a girl like me. He is working miracles in healing relationships I thought could never be healed. He made me a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter, a friend. I am abundantly blessed this Mother's Day...and always.

With love, Zach

2011-05-08T08:10:00.000-05:00

A great race

2011-04-30T16:15:00.002-05:00

Had a great race this morning. Beautiful weather. Huge crowd. Amazing friends. Worthwhile cause.

And I beat last year's time by 2 minutes and 18 seconds.

I am awed by my friend Sandra. I trained hard for this race for two months and still had to walk short increments. She got away from me right out of the gate and I never caught up. She hardly trained! She's amazing.

She waited with our families for me at the finish line. She's cool that way.

A lot of other friends cheered me on through the finish too. Some passed me during the race, trying to drag me with them. Others were screaming my name as I picked up my pace for the last 10th of a mile. Thumbs up, fist pumps, and crazy smiles. My family with their signs.

My son...who prayed last night that I would win...with his ready hug and a whisper that I was a winner no matter what I placed.

Kids fun run.

Lots and lots of friends.

It was a great run.

35:15.

Run the race

2011-04-29T08:07:00.005-05:00

In a little over 24 hours, I will check-in for the 5K I have been training for since mid-February. I ran this same race last year, and limped home with runner's knee... which was followed five weeks later by a severely pinched nerve in my back. I didn't run again until two months ago.

This is the only race I've ever run outside of high school track. It's for charity. Proceeds benefit HIV/AIDS infected and affected orphans in South Africa.

I didn't pick this race because I felt a special connection to those who will reap the rewards of our registration fee. My church supports the race. Many of my friends participate. It is so close to home that, in years past, the route has actually taken runners in front of my house! It's practically a social function.

But two weeks ago, I gained a little perspective. Connection.

While I never knew my birth father...I ultimately lost him to AIDS.

My runs were already becoming spiritual, but this news ratcheted that up significantly. As I train, I can't help but think of those who cannot run anymore because their bodies have been ravaged by illness. I cannot help but picture dying mothers who are worried about their children that will soon be orphaned. As I anticipate the race - the pictures of South African orphans, the South African flags, the sheer number of runners who have turned out - I know the connection there is between those children a world away and me. I'm right here - in this community - and I represent some of the cost of AIDS.

My father's circumstance was likely different than many of those in impoverished South Africa. My father died of an illness that his recklessness made him vulnerable too, and that recklessness came out of a painful childhood. One not much different from my own... I am so thankful that God has led me in a different direction. He has spared me so much of what my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins have journeyed.

As I run tomorrow, the race will be personal. I will run with the knowledge that pain leads to devastating behaviors and consequences. That AIDS ended my father's life and with it any chance to know him. That my father left behind two children who never knew him and still do not even know one another's identity. That mentioning my father's illness is so close to taboo, that some family members are too ashamed to talk about it. That shame leads no where good.

I will run with worship music playing on my iPod. I will listen to words that praise God for his power, strength, faithfulness, grace, love and sovereignty. I will run with the word "DETERMINATION" or "DISCIPLINE" written on my hand, as I will need reminded to keep running. He has only given me this one body - this one life - and He has laid the road out before me and will equip me to run it.

"Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified." 1 Corinthians 9:24-28

In the study notes of my Bible, in reference to 9:25, it says (in part): "Say no to friends or situations that lead you away from Christ. Say no to casual sex, saving intimacy for marriage." How's that for perfectly timed and relevant?

I praise Him for his mighty work in my life, and the promises and direction found in His word. I praise God for people who generously show up in support of people they will never meet. I praise God for the little revelations that connect humanity around the globe.

Grammar 101

2011-04-27T19:23:00.008-05:00

I may just be really cranky because I have a little cold and am sleep deprived, but I'm feeling snarky about grammar today.

I am not the grammar police, but I was one of those kids who corrected people all the time. You can see how that made me ultra-popular. Nowadays, the only people whose grammar I correct are my children. (Is that sentence even grammatically correct? It sounds weird.)

The incorrect use of "I" and "me" is driving me crazy today.

Two basic rules:

When listing names, the reference to yourself goes last.
When deciding between "I" and "me", take everyone else out and say the sentence back to yourself to see how it sounds.

Me and Tonya are going to dinner. WRONG. Tonya and I are going to dinner. Put yourself last. (I could totally work a Bible lesson in right here, but I'll resist.)

Granny sent a gift to Tonya and I. How does "Granny sent a gift to I" sound to you? WRONG. Granny sent a gift to Tonya and me. Ahhh... So refreshing to hear you say it the right way.

Sorry. This just drives me crazy and today I'm showing my true snarky colors.

Zach and Luke, I probably won't forget to teach this to you... but if I do... please heed my advice here and get this right. Use "I" and "me" correctly. I thought I was so brilliant always using "you and I", but then your dad pointed out (about 10 years ago) that I had it wrong about half the time. There's more than one grammar-fanatic in this house.

And please don't say ATM Machine. It's redundant.

Great job, Dynamite!

2011-04-26T10:34:00.002-05:00

Six weeks of U5 soccer flew by. Our season ended on Saturday.

We ended on a high note. It's always great when kids play soccer with smiles pasted on their faces and a spring in their step.

Always great when your child scores a goal in his last game of the season and then looks at you like he's a rock star immediately after.

Always great when Coach lifts his player into the air at mid-field after a goal. What kid doesn't like to fly a little during soccer?

Always great to run through a human tunnel.

Always great to be a part of the team huddle (which includes your big brother because he's convinced his your Assistant Coach). GO-O-O DYNAMITE!!

Always great to get a medal.

Always great to play with friends...even when your best friend is out of town on Easter weekend (we missed you, Joel!).

Always great when Coach also goes by Daddy.

And always great to kick your ball all the way back to the car.

A very happy Easter

2011-04-25T09:17:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was Easter. The message at church was about how we have salvation through the cross and power for life through the empty tomb. The resurrection.

Every believer acknowledges that Christ's crucifixion saves our souls, but often we underestimate God's power to change our lives here on earth. More than anything, we limit God by imposing our own limits on what we're willing to do.

For the last six years I have really fancied myself as a person completely open to God's work and change in my life, but in the last few months I've come face to face with the truth - I severely limit God. I can love a complete stranger, but family terrifies me. I have been so hurt by certain people that I had simply deemed all family untrustworthy and kept them all at arm's length. For a time, this was necessary...but now it's just selfish preservation from what I fear might happen.

I've written about this sort of thing several times recently, but yesterday I was just so moved and overwhelmed by God's promises and faithfulness to come through if we'll just get out of his way.

These have long been favorite scriptures, but these different translations and emphasis really captured my attention.

Jesus said "I have come that you may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (till it overflows)." John 10:10

"I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me. I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into me." Philippians 4:13

"What is impossible with men is possible with God." Luke 18:27

"I have raised you up for this very purpose of displaying my power in you, so that my name may be proclaimed the whole world over." Romans 9:17

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power." 1 Corinthians 4:20

Because of God's dwelling within me, I have the power to do the most difficult things imaginable. For me, these most difficult things involve reconciling relationships that were once very painful.

On Easter Sunday, an empty tomb was found. Jesus had been resurrected.

Synonyms for resurrection include: renewal, resurgence, revival and rebirth.

Like my Lord Jesus' resurrection, my Heavenly Father wants to see a revival within my family.

I waited until Friday to invite my family over for an Easter celebration. It took time for me to get up the courage and get over my overwhelmingly selfish desires to be right rather than happy. But I did call, and they eagerly accepted my invitation.

Because God has been working so diligently on my heart...restoring me and empowering me to love people I previously did not even like, this happened.

I celebrated Easter with my family for the first time since I was a child.

We dined on hot dogs and chips - on paper plates - but this year goes down as the most memorable and joy-filled Easter ever.

God is giving new life to these relationships. And I am finding that all the "peace" that came with distance, pales in comparison to the love and happiness that surrounded us on Saturday.

I praise God that everything that is impossible with men is possible with Him!

Stepping forward in spite of fear

2011-04-21T11:13:00.003-05:00

Not a day passes that I don't think about my dad and my grandparents. This is often prompted by the sound of our mail truck pulling up to the mailboxes across the street. After he pulls off I head to our mailbox, praying that today's the day my grandmother will write. Still, no word. I wonder if she thinks about me everyday too. I wonder if she's read my letters and understands my heart. I try to make sense of what would cause a grandmother to choose silence rather than a relationship with her granddaughter.

And I wonder about my grandfather. Was he just having a conversation with a long lost family member when we talked last week, or does he realize that I'm every bit as much his grandchild as the other 14 grand kids that he'll have over this Sunday for Easter? People automatically love unborn babies. Does my grandfather feel that sort of love for me, even though I'm almost 37 and he's never known me?

I sent him a quick email after we talked last Tuesday. I just sent a family photo and my contact information. He'd already told me that he's not a writer but that he's up for phone calls anytime, so I don't expect a great deal of email communication. I'd thought he might at least type back "Thanks, nice picture." Something to reassure me that he's willing to make an effort and that it's safe for me to step towards him. But there was nothing... Till today.

He emailed me. Still not a word, but he attached a family tree. It's just information about his parents and siblings - marriage and birth dates, full names, and causes of death. Nothing personal, but it's something. He had to have thought of me to find the document, scan it, and email it. But then, he could have just been doing a favor for a long lost family member seeking out ancestral information.

This whole idea of building a relationship with people who have never reached out to me is scary. I can honestly see why people don't do it - people in their shoes and mine. We have to take a leap of faith to care about each other and express that care. I take that back. I already care, it's expressing that care that scares me to tears. I fear feeling humiliated if I express a desire for them and they don't want it; yet I know that it takes courage, grace and mercy to seek those who have (in appearance at least) rejected and abandoned me. My impulse is to feel as if I need to have faith in them - in their intentions and desires, as if I need to trust them - but if I wait to trust them first, then it will never happen.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

It's not faith in people that I need; but the knowledge of who and whose I am. I came from my mother's womb, but God placed me there. He placed me into the care of my mom and dad, but He's actually my creator. My father. The one I belong to. That is something no one can take away from me.

It is crazy how it feels as if everything in my life has led to this. Do I or don't I go out on this scary limb to reach my family? God has done a tremendous work on my heart; perhaps so that I can be the one to courageously reach out so that He can restore wholeness and connection to a family that has long suffered without it.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very natureof a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death — even death on a cross!" Philippians 2:3-8

As I studied this a few weeks ago, I thought about all of those who have realistically voiced concerns about how I might be hurt by my family's rejection. But I feel so called by the Lord to reach out to them, and so reminded by this verse that Jesus loved us so much that he died on a cross. Am I above Jesus? Am I to live a life of self-preservation?

For me, the answer is no. Additionally, rejection - should it come - will not be anything I can't handle. There is no question that I will rebound should something go not-so-great. This is all scary, yes. I have to rely on the Lord for direction and courage at every turn, but I truly believe that these efforts at reconciliation is exactly where God has led me.

I know He is God and can do anything...but I just don't know how He has the time to intricately orchestrate each of our lives. My... How he loves us!

*******************************

Update: Bud has emailed me five times today. Four have had ancestral documents attached without a message in the body, but one was a short email... He signed it "Grandpa". That one word - the word of his choosing - feels so intimate and familiar. I feel so wonderfully full of hope. I thank God today for Bud's timing and kindness; and I pray for vulnerability and sensitivity for both of us, as we wade into this unknown territory of expressing concern for someone we do not yet know and trust.

An important announcement

2011-04-20T09:26:00.000-05:00

....and we couldn't be happier!

Awesome project

2011-04-20T09:20:00.000-05:00

Everyone in Zach's class had a silhouette made at school. Isn't it awesome?

I love the clues that he gave regarding his identity.

The clues weren't necessary to identify him though . Everyone immediately recognized the spiky hair.

the Dynamite

2011-04-14T12:45:00.007-05:00

We're more than halfway though soccer season and I haven't even mentioned it yet! Bryan is coaching a second team this season.

Meet the Dynamite.

Six kids, ages 4 to 4 1/2. Explosive fun!

It's funny to hear the conversations between parents and players. "It is okay to steal the ball here. You want to steal it from the other team." "A little shoving is okay, but don't do it to knock someone down or be mean." "Run as fast as you can. Get to the ball before the other guy does!" And to hear parents talking amongst themselves, "All these years we've been teaching him to be considerate and share...it must be so confusing to hear a different message while playing sports!"

The boys are coming along nicely, each at his own pace. They are finding their inner-competitors, running hard, figuring out what they're supposed to be doing on the field... all while enjoying a game with friends. I love having another budding athlete in the house.

1 hr. 26 mins.

2011-04-12T15:33:00.004-05:00

As Bryan left for work this morning, he informed me that Luke had been up sick around 11pm. There would be no school for Luke, and no run for me this morning. Luke slept in a little, but woke up sick again.

If it weren't for Luke being sick, we'd have been long gone when the phone rang at 9:04am.

The caller ID read E. Anderson.

When I left the voice mail for him yesterday, I'd hung up confused and frustrated. I hadn't expected to leave a message, so I felt like I was blabbering on and on, making no sense at all, and I might even have talked so much that it cut off before I could leave my phone number. I didn't really think he'd call me back, so I began to prepare myself with a little anger to take the sting out of one more rejection.

Then he called.

My dad's birth father.

When I answered, he said, "Hello, Tonya. This is your grandfather." He sounded so happy! I'm pretty sure he could hear me beaming through the phone.

We had a wonderful talk. One hour and twenty-six minutes. Not knowing what to say at first, I quickly spit out how I'd discovered my father's death and why I was calling, and he quickly spit out how my father died. Talk about awkward. I think that neither of us really knew where to begin.

My dad hadn't talked to my grandfather in a very long time (I believe it had been years), when out of the blue he called. He abruptly said, "Dad, I'm dying." I can't help but marvel at the natural pull between parent and child. No matter how deeply his dad had hurt him, he still needed his dad. On some level, my dad knew much of the same pain and emptiness I have felt. My grandfather has too. A month later, my dad passed. My grandfather found out about it in the local paper.

My grandfather and I talked openly. He shared with me briefly about his childhood. His mother's passing when he was just six. His father's inability to care for him. His brother's attempts to raise him, but ultimately him going to live with another family. He left school after the 9th grade and joined the military, and was then adopted by the family who raised him. How about that? He was adopted as a legal adult! He is a man who is no stranger to the parental hole left in a child's heart.

We talked about his marriage to my grandmother. Their divorce. What led to him giving his boys up for adoption. And I asked....what seems obvious, but I needed to hear from him...."Did you ever come to regret giving your boys up for adoption?" He does. There is so much that he regrets. He is a changed man. I found him to be honest, humble, and wise. He recognizes where he went wrong and has since done things differently, but he cannot change the past. Each of the three children he had with my grandmother are now passed.

In the years since his marriage to my grandmother, my grandfather has built what sounds like a lovely family. He and his wife have a blended family of six living children and fourteen grandchildren. One is his biological daughter, and one is a step son with a previous wife -- but when he divorced the mother, he did not divorce the child. And his wife has four children that he considers his own. This is no longer a man who walks away from his children.

As we talked, he started one sentence with, "If you are ever up here, I will show you..." I'm hoping and praying that that means that he will keep in touch and that there is hope for a visit to my father's hometown that will not result in bitter disappointment. I pray that he actually wants to know me.

On a side note: My grandfather has no idea how to locate my half-brother. That part is still a mystery, but perhaps one day a private investigator will fall into my lap and be able to connect him to our father. I would very much like to meet him one day.