To my youngest son,
Lots of tears have been shed and protests made as your older brother goes off to events that you can't attend... School field trips, field day, sports camps, overnights, birthday parties, etc. "He gets to do everything and I get to do nothing." You are so sad sometimes....but this just comes with the territory of being the younger brother, and not even a kindergartner yet. But, your time is rapidly approaching.
Rapidly.
Until then, I want you to know that you have something he doesn't have. You have more grown-up alone time with me and I absolutely love it! When he was your age, I was pretty busy chasing around his high-maintenance, strong-willed, not-quite-three-year-old brother. When he was your age, we were bound to the house more. He still watched Go Diego Go and Bob the Builder - imagine the horror. We did not operate then like you and I do now. You'd call it, well, baby'ish.
You are my super handy helpmate. I love when you help me with chores. When you rinse dishes. Or clear the table. Or take out the trash. Or vacuum. Or scrub the bathrooms. Or help me sweep the floor. Or fetch things under furniture. I love when you help me with laundry, schlepping clothes from the the laundry table (also known as our dining room table) up to your closet or dresser. And I love when you help me make the beds. You are also great help in the yard - pulling weeds, digging holes, watering, raking leaves, planting. Never, ever, complaining or asking what your brother has done to help. You are HAPPY to be helping - with your head high and your chest sticking out like the man you fancy yourself being. You are an incredible help to me around the house, and I will fondly hold these memories in my heart forever.
You are also a most awesome shopping companion. Reading the list, ticking things off, checking prices, and even scanning items at self check. You are a great help loading and unloading the van. And you sometimes help put things away at home. I love to have you around when I shop.
And carpooling... How many times have I interrupted your play time with, "C'mon, Buddy. It's time to go get the kids."? You promptly meet me at the door asking where we're going and who we might be giving a ride to. Somehow it never feels like you're the little bro tagging along, but, rather, a second chaperone who just happens to still ride in a booster seat. Perhaps this is why you are always telling Zach what to do..."Don't forget your water bottle. Put that in the trash. Buckle your seat belt. Don't run in the parking lot."
And there are all the priceless conversations we've had along the way. Endless listings of rides you're going to conquer this summer at Worlds of Fun, or ideas you have for your 6th birthday party, or school supplies you want to buy for kindergarten. Questions about nature, animals, God, space, etc.. Stories you tell me about outings with Grandpa, playtime with friends, and games you play with Zach. When you confide in me things you're afraid of or want to learn. Questions you have about school or sports. You even ask about family history. I like talking to you.
I can't even imagine what these mundane, daily activities are going to look like when you're away at school next year. Time has flown by. Rapidly.
This is probably little consolation, for who wouldn't rather be at a birthday party than scrubbing a toilet? But, for me, this time in your life...when you're simply not old enough to be on the go all the time...has been precious. I've loved having you all to myself and will miss you when you go off to school. I'm so glad God gave you to me. Love you, Buddy.
PS: Before you get the wrong impression and think I only had you so you could help me around the house... Know that I love ALL the things we do - and the majority is crafts, board games, books, library days, museum trips, parks, sports, playdates, etc. I just want you to know how special it is to me that - at this time in your life - we fit very well into each others lives. I'm guessing that once you start school, I'll take care of all of "my" things while you're at school and our family schedule and activities will pretty much revolve around you and your brother.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
What's your secret?
People keep asking me that... What's your secret? How have you lost the weight?
The truth is, the only secret I've kept about my weight loss is what I weighed on the day I decided to make a change.
161.
No more secrets.
I weighed one pound MORE than I did the day I delivered each of my children. I was miserable. Stomach aches. Discomfort sitting. Shirts embarrassingly snug. Pants quickly becoming too small - and already four sizes bigger than what I'd been most of my life.
I weighed MORE on March 1, 2012 than I did at NINE MONTHS AND FOUR DAYS PREGNANT. How was the even possible?
PCOS. That's how.
I had been running off and on for three years, and very regularly for a year. And I picked up triathlons last summer... And I was still GAINING weight. Exercise was not doing the trick, and one more pound would officially put me in the "over-weight" column. At 161, I was at the highest possible weight within the "normal" range for a woman my age and height.
My friend casually mentioned feeling cranky because she'd started a new "diet" and I inquired about it. I had lots of questions, she had lots of answers... I discussed it with Bryan, and we decided to give it a shot. Yea, that's how we roll... You hate your diet? We think we'll try it! After all, at the time, they were waiving membership fees and the monthly online fee is only $15/month.
So, we joined Weight Watchers.
Within the first two days, my dietary pitfalls were overwhelmingly obvious. I was a carbivore. I snacked and dined on carbs all day, every day. Dairy too. And my veggie and protein intake was minimal.
As you read the following, keep in mind that I'm only allowed 26 WW points per day.
Obvious bad choice #1: One cup of Kashi GoLean cereal with half a cup of skim milk is SEVEN points, and it was not filling. I quickly discovered that two eggs, with four ounces of ham and a sprinkle of reduced fat cheese is only SIX points and sometimes more than I can eat. Added bonus - the protein kick at the start of the day does a body GREAT. My body, anyway...
Obvious bad choice #2: Beverages. My favorite smoothie and my favorite Starbucks Chai Tea Latte are each SEVEN points. I used to feel proud that I could be satisfied with simply drinking my breakfast in the form of a yummy latte; after all, how can a beverage be bad for you? But, it's really just a lot of carbs with a dash of milk. These days, lattes are saved for special treats. (My wallet AND my waist line thank me.)
Obvious bad choice #3: Portion size. A portion of chicken should be the size of a deck of cards - about 3 ounces. I'm guessing that a chicken breast these days is about double that... Weigh, weigh, weigh. I weigh food as I prepare plates.
Obvious bad choice #4: Fish and shrimp are such low point foods, they might as well be free! And we NEVER cooked with either before. Now, we eat fish or shrimp a couple times a week.
Obvious bad choice #5: Breads. A slice of bread is 3 points. A whole bagel is about 7 points. A pb&j - brace yourself - ELEVEN points. And who's full after eating a pb&j? Instead of sandwiches, these days I make wraps. A Mama Lupe Low-Carb tortilla is TWO points, or THREE points for 2 tortillas. So, I often have two chicken wraps with a total of 3oz chicken (and lettuce, mustard, a sprinkle of reduced fat cheese and tomatoes) for a SIX point meal. Tasty and filling, without all the bread.
Obvious bad choice #6: Crackers. On day two, I made this enormous salad. Green leaf lettuce, red bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, sliced cucumber, cauliflower - so far, all ZERO points. I added 3 oz of chicken breast for protein at THREE points. I topped it with Target's Market Pantry brand Fat-Free Raspberry Vinaigrette at 2 TBS for ONE point. My enormous dinner-plate sized salad came to a whopping FOUR points. I wanted to add a little crunch, so I reached for my favorite Multi-Grain Club Crackers. Multi-grain is good, right? Ten crackers were FIVE points. MORE THAN THE ENTIRE SALAD WITH CHICKEN AND DRESSING!!! I quickly nixed the crackers.....and the future dinner plans I had for an entire sleeve of crackers and half a cheeseball.
Obvious bad choice #7: Dining out. This is a no-brainer. But dining out really doesn't have to blow your healthy eating. Check out the nutritional information before you order. For most larger chains, you can find the info online, and even sometimes on the menu. Most restaurants will even have a hard-copy print-out that you can read through while browsing the menu. The Weight Watchers website even has point values for a lot of restaurant menu items. Don't ever go in blind. You'll kick yourself later when you log in that Olive Garden salad at 5 points and breadsticks at 4 points each. (Does anyone stop at just one breadstick?)
Obvious bad choice #8: Desserts. I have a sweet tooth. I love fancy cakes, thick fudge brownies, lemon bars, cherry pies, carrot cake, candy... There's this one dark chocolate cake at Costco that I love. One slice is TWENTY SEVEN points. Yea, that's more than I'm allowed in an entire day. So... I've found that I can snack on a few bites of dessert or candy, but then I've got to move on. Or eat angel food cake with Cool Whip Lite and strawberries. Or Weight Watchers ice cream treats. They're anywhere from 1-4 points and delicious!
Obvious bad choice #9: Full fat dips, dressings, cheeses, etc. I had NEVER purchased a low-fat or fat free item other than milk in my entire life. After seeing the point values for full-fat vs reduced or no fat alternatives, making the switch was a no brainer.
I love that Weight Watchers has a simple points system. I like math. And it's easy to compare two meals - one at 7 points and another at 23 - and see the obvious wiser choice. And I love that Weight Watchers gives you a daily allowance, and then bonus extra points to use throughout the week. I have 49 extra points per week, so - should I splurge on that awesome Costco 27 point cake - I don't completely blow it. And you can earn points through exercise too. Weight Watchers is not restrictive in what you can or cannot eat, and they even allow cushion in your points allowance for a soda, dessert, fried chicken, or spaghetti...
The bottom line for me... Exercise alone was never going to be my ticket to weight loss. I had to change the way I was eating, and the Weight Watchers plan of loads of fruits and veggies, and good protein choices is just what I needed.
As of this week, I've lost exactly 20 pounds. I am down to 141, and am feeling better than I have in years. I would like to lose another 5-8 pounds, but would honestly be thrilled just to fall back down into the 130's. Who am I kidding? I'm thrilled to be at 141! I never thought I'd lose all that weight that PCOS had caused me to gain. Or rather, PCOS provided me with a malfunctioning pancreas....and I chose all the wrong foods to eat. I had resigned myself to being on Metformin and birth control to manage my weight gain as well as possible, while accepting 5 added pounds per year as a fact of life.
No more...
I don't want to speak for my hottie husband, but I will say that he's lost about 45 pounds and is going strong! He looks amazing and feels better and is more active than he's been since college. He's a new man! I firmly believe that changing over to a Weight Watchers lifestyle has been made easier because we've done it as a team. I could not be more proud of my man for his dedication to healthier living. I look forward to growing VERY OLD with him. After all, he is totally H.O.T.
The truth is, the only secret I've kept about my weight loss is what I weighed on the day I decided to make a change.
161.
No more secrets.
I weighed one pound MORE than I did the day I delivered each of my children. I was miserable. Stomach aches. Discomfort sitting. Shirts embarrassingly snug. Pants quickly becoming too small - and already four sizes bigger than what I'd been most of my life.
I weighed MORE on March 1, 2012 than I did at NINE MONTHS AND FOUR DAYS PREGNANT. How was the even possible?
PCOS. That's how.
I had been running off and on for three years, and very regularly for a year. And I picked up triathlons last summer... And I was still GAINING weight. Exercise was not doing the trick, and one more pound would officially put me in the "over-weight" column. At 161, I was at the highest possible weight within the "normal" range for a woman my age and height.
My friend casually mentioned feeling cranky because she'd started a new "diet" and I inquired about it. I had lots of questions, she had lots of answers... I discussed it with Bryan, and we decided to give it a shot. Yea, that's how we roll... You hate your diet? We think we'll try it! After all, at the time, they were waiving membership fees and the monthly online fee is only $15/month.
So, we joined Weight Watchers.
Within the first two days, my dietary pitfalls were overwhelmingly obvious. I was a carbivore. I snacked and dined on carbs all day, every day. Dairy too. And my veggie and protein intake was minimal.
As you read the following, keep in mind that I'm only allowed 26 WW points per day.
Obvious bad choice #1: One cup of Kashi GoLean cereal with half a cup of skim milk is SEVEN points, and it was not filling. I quickly discovered that two eggs, with four ounces of ham and a sprinkle of reduced fat cheese is only SIX points and sometimes more than I can eat. Added bonus - the protein kick at the start of the day does a body GREAT. My body, anyway...
Obvious bad choice #2: Beverages. My favorite smoothie and my favorite Starbucks Chai Tea Latte are each SEVEN points. I used to feel proud that I could be satisfied with simply drinking my breakfast in the form of a yummy latte; after all, how can a beverage be bad for you? But, it's really just a lot of carbs with a dash of milk. These days, lattes are saved for special treats. (My wallet AND my waist line thank me.)
Obvious bad choice #3: Portion size. A portion of chicken should be the size of a deck of cards - about 3 ounces. I'm guessing that a chicken breast these days is about double that... Weigh, weigh, weigh. I weigh food as I prepare plates.
Obvious bad choice #4: Fish and shrimp are such low point foods, they might as well be free! And we NEVER cooked with either before. Now, we eat fish or shrimp a couple times a week.
Obvious bad choice #5: Breads. A slice of bread is 3 points. A whole bagel is about 7 points. A pb&j - brace yourself - ELEVEN points. And who's full after eating a pb&j? Instead of sandwiches, these days I make wraps. A Mama Lupe Low-Carb tortilla is TWO points, or THREE points for 2 tortillas. So, I often have two chicken wraps with a total of 3oz chicken (and lettuce, mustard, a sprinkle of reduced fat cheese and tomatoes) for a SIX point meal. Tasty and filling, without all the bread.
Obvious bad choice #6: Crackers. On day two, I made this enormous salad. Green leaf lettuce, red bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, sliced cucumber, cauliflower - so far, all ZERO points. I added 3 oz of chicken breast for protein at THREE points. I topped it with Target's Market Pantry brand Fat-Free Raspberry Vinaigrette at 2 TBS for ONE point. My enormous dinner-plate sized salad came to a whopping FOUR points. I wanted to add a little crunch, so I reached for my favorite Multi-Grain Club Crackers. Multi-grain is good, right? Ten crackers were FIVE points. MORE THAN THE ENTIRE SALAD WITH CHICKEN AND DRESSING!!! I quickly nixed the crackers.....and the future dinner plans I had for an entire sleeve of crackers and half a cheeseball.
Obvious bad choice #7: Dining out. This is a no-brainer. But dining out really doesn't have to blow your healthy eating. Check out the nutritional information before you order. For most larger chains, you can find the info online, and even sometimes on the menu. Most restaurants will even have a hard-copy print-out that you can read through while browsing the menu. The Weight Watchers website even has point values for a lot of restaurant menu items. Don't ever go in blind. You'll kick yourself later when you log in that Olive Garden salad at 5 points and breadsticks at 4 points each. (Does anyone stop at just one breadstick?)
Obvious bad choice #8: Desserts. I have a sweet tooth. I love fancy cakes, thick fudge brownies, lemon bars, cherry pies, carrot cake, candy... There's this one dark chocolate cake at Costco that I love. One slice is TWENTY SEVEN points. Yea, that's more than I'm allowed in an entire day. So... I've found that I can snack on a few bites of dessert or candy, but then I've got to move on. Or eat angel food cake with Cool Whip Lite and strawberries. Or Weight Watchers ice cream treats. They're anywhere from 1-4 points and delicious!
Obvious bad choice #9: Full fat dips, dressings, cheeses, etc. I had NEVER purchased a low-fat or fat free item other than milk in my entire life. After seeing the point values for full-fat vs reduced or no fat alternatives, making the switch was a no brainer.
I love that Weight Watchers has a simple points system. I like math. And it's easy to compare two meals - one at 7 points and another at 23 - and see the obvious wiser choice. And I love that Weight Watchers gives you a daily allowance, and then bonus extra points to use throughout the week. I have 49 extra points per week, so - should I splurge on that awesome Costco 27 point cake - I don't completely blow it. And you can earn points through exercise too. Weight Watchers is not restrictive in what you can or cannot eat, and they even allow cushion in your points allowance for a soda, dessert, fried chicken, or spaghetti...
The bottom line for me... Exercise alone was never going to be my ticket to weight loss. I had to change the way I was eating, and the Weight Watchers plan of loads of fruits and veggies, and good protein choices is just what I needed.
As of this week, I've lost exactly 20 pounds. I am down to 141, and am feeling better than I have in years. I would like to lose another 5-8 pounds, but would honestly be thrilled just to fall back down into the 130's. Who am I kidding? I'm thrilled to be at 141! I never thought I'd lose all that weight that PCOS had caused me to gain. Or rather, PCOS provided me with a malfunctioning pancreas....and I chose all the wrong foods to eat. I had resigned myself to being on Metformin and birth control to manage my weight gain as well as possible, while accepting 5 added pounds per year as a fact of life.
No more...
I don't want to speak for my hottie husband, but I will say that he's lost about 45 pounds and is going strong! He looks amazing and feels better and is more active than he's been since college. He's a new man! I firmly believe that changing over to a Weight Watchers lifestyle has been made easier because we've done it as a team. I could not be more proud of my man for his dedication to healthier living. I look forward to growing VERY OLD with him. After all, he is totally H.O.T.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Overwhelmingly blessed
I can hardly believe that my parents' daughter graduated with a college degree last night.
When I think back to who I was when I graduated from high school twenty years ago, it's easy to remember a wounded young woman, invisible, undeserving.
A young woman all alone, with no direction, no confidence and a whole host of self-destructive coping mechanisms.
Abandoned daughter of an addict. Daughter whose father and grandfather had dropped out of high school, and dropped out of their children's lives before they had the chance to know them.
Daughter of a depressed, heart-broken woman. Daughter whose mother scarcely showed approval or spoke words of encouragement.
A young woman who'd never been told that education was important, or that she could accomplish anything she'd set her mind to.
That's who I was well into my late twenties...
I took that wounded young woman off to college with me right out of high school. College, where I floundered, not sure how I fit in, dropping classes, "passing" classes with D's, earning such a low GPA that no college or university would touch me after two years.
I left college then, never expecting to return.
But I did... Completely unexpectedly.
And I completed the coursework over these last two years with one C shy of a 4.0. (Darned Chemistry.)
Receiving an Associates Degree is a casual milestone in the life of most 20 year olds... But, for me, completion of this degree is a major accomplishment. Honestly something I never thought I'd come close to.
As I prepared for graduation over these last few weeks, I was overwhelmed - once again - by the incredible miracles God has worked in my life. Aside from looking like an older version of that girl from twenty years ago, I do not resemble her at all. My heart is mended. My esteem, not a reflection of how I think others see me, but of how I know God does. Gifts and talents recognized. Inexplicable passions and direction. Determination.
The Lord has worked a mighty miracle.
While my mother often had difficulty expressing delight in me, she did find the words in her last years. I know she was proud. And my in-laws, siblings, friends, extended family, husband and children could not have been more supportive as I returned to school, studied like mad, and occasionally dropped a ball as I juggled a little more than I could handle at times. I am so grateful.
So changed.
I have an incredible life. And an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Development. (That Science part makes me laugh out loud!)
Praise the Lord.
.....Check back in a few years for my Bachelors in Elementary Education. ESU class of 2015 (or '16) or bust!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Pain in the .... BACK
People keep asking, "Why the break from running?" And, frankly, the answer is really very exciting. Like, I never knew I could feel this good exciting. So, I thought I'd blog ... in the event that my experience will help the one or two people who are still reading my blog.
(I've just about fell off the blogging bandwagon. Life has been CRAZY this year. But school's out soon, and I just can't wait to get back to writing.)
Back to the question at hand.
I had a bad cold and a ten day cough... And I have had sciatica/pinched nerve issues for the last 15 years or so, and the coughing caused an episode.
After five days, I called my regular chiropractor (team doc to our city's professional outdoor soccer team) and he couldn't get me in for about a week. So, I called a childhood friend (who is also a chiropractor) and asked if there was any chance she could see me sooner.
You see, I had a really bad episode two years ago. Went to my regular chiropractor twice, no real improvement. Went to my GP, who sent me to a hospital for x-rays (lying down), and wound up in physical therapy for five weeks. I learned a lot of great stretches, but it took a long time to get well ... and took another five months for me to start running again!
I'm too committed to my running to go through all of that if it can be avoided, so I decided to go see the friend who's been inviting me in since that last terrible episode two years ago.
And she took an x-ray. Standing. Something no previous doctor has ever done.
There, in black and white, my problem was plain as day.
Terrible posture. Instead of standing up straight, I was arching my back (as in tummy forward, rear and shoulders back, chest out). This severe "c" of an arch left little room between vertebrae for the nerves to come out, so they'd get pinched when irritated.
So my sweet chiropractor friend started work to adjust and massage things back into place, and I started doing my old PT stretches - mainly hamstrings and yoga cat pose. One week (three visits) later and my back is 100% again and my posture is much improved.
And, you know what? I totally stood like that because I thought it made me look thinner. I looked at myself in the mirror that first night, first using my old posture, and then the corrected posture, and the correct posture looks so much better! I look like I lost another inch (and discovered that I have abs!) just by rotating my hips forward rather than sticking my rear out.
It's amazing how much relief I feel when standing properly! It's a habit that I'm having to break, so I catch myself arching every now and then. Thankfully, it's hard not to notice ... after all, it causes pain!
So, that's why the break. A little pain in the back, and a promise to my new chiropractor that I'd take a week to rest. I promptly ran the minute one week was up ... but I did so with my posture in mind the entire time.
So, if you have lower back pain / sciatica, consider seeing a chiropractor who uses standing x-rays. They are worth every penny. I won't be returning to my old chiropractor.
(I've just about fell off the blogging bandwagon. Life has been CRAZY this year. But school's out soon, and I just can't wait to get back to writing.)
Back to the question at hand.
I had a bad cold and a ten day cough... And I have had sciatica/pinched nerve issues for the last 15 years or so, and the coughing caused an episode.
After five days, I called my regular chiropractor (team doc to our city's professional outdoor soccer team) and he couldn't get me in for about a week. So, I called a childhood friend (who is also a chiropractor) and asked if there was any chance she could see me sooner.
You see, I had a really bad episode two years ago. Went to my regular chiropractor twice, no real improvement. Went to my GP, who sent me to a hospital for x-rays (lying down), and wound up in physical therapy for five weeks. I learned a lot of great stretches, but it took a long time to get well ... and took another five months for me to start running again!
I'm too committed to my running to go through all of that if it can be avoided, so I decided to go see the friend who's been inviting me in since that last terrible episode two years ago.
And she took an x-ray. Standing. Something no previous doctor has ever done.
There, in black and white, my problem was plain as day.
Terrible posture. Instead of standing up straight, I was arching my back (as in tummy forward, rear and shoulders back, chest out). This severe "c" of an arch left little room between vertebrae for the nerves to come out, so they'd get pinched when irritated.
So my sweet chiropractor friend started work to adjust and massage things back into place, and I started doing my old PT stretches - mainly hamstrings and yoga cat pose. One week (three visits) later and my back is 100% again and my posture is much improved.
And, you know what? I totally stood like that because I thought it made me look thinner. I looked at myself in the mirror that first night, first using my old posture, and then the corrected posture, and the correct posture looks so much better! I look like I lost another inch (and discovered that I have abs!) just by rotating my hips forward rather than sticking my rear out.
It's amazing how much relief I feel when standing properly! It's a habit that I'm having to break, so I catch myself arching every now and then. Thankfully, it's hard not to notice ... after all, it causes pain!
So, that's why the break. A little pain in the back, and a promise to my new chiropractor that I'd take a week to rest. I promptly ran the minute one week was up ... but I did so with my posture in mind the entire time.
So, if you have lower back pain / sciatica, consider seeing a chiropractor who uses standing x-rays. They are worth every penny. I won't be returning to my old chiropractor.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Remembering Mom
A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from Zach's soccer coach asking if we'd be interested in participating in a tournament on Mother's Day weekend. Just hearing the words Mother's Day reduced me to tears. I promptly closed the email and pretended that I didn't get it. Then the coach texted me with the same question... More tears and a feeling of dread, as I texted "yes". Mother's Day must go on.
A few days later it occurred to me that she would miss my graduation.
First, I'd tearfully anticipated Easter. Then Zach was in the ER with strep throat the night before, so all of our Easter plans were canceled.
Then my nephew's birthday party was this past Saturday. It was weird and sad to be there without Mom, but still such a blessed time to celebrate Jarrad and be with family.
Soon it will be Mother's Day. Then my birthday. Then my graduation.
Interestingly enough, very similar to how the sadness of missing her hits like a ton of bricks unexpectedly, so does the joy of having known her. Thankfully, these joyful reminders happen throughout the day, every day.
As I slipped a black shirt on this morning, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I was wearing two different blacks that didn't quite match. I smiled ... and then changed clothes. Mom always told me that it was impossible to match blacks if it wasn't purchased as a set.
She also told me never to wear pink lipstick with red clothing, or vice versa. I never have.
I get a good laugh every time I hear her saying, "It's very important for a wife to rise in the morning before her husband so she can brush her teeth, wash her face and straighten her hair before he sees her." Who does that?
There were also strict instructions to brush my hair 100 strokes before bed every night to make it shinier. I didn't have time for that as a kid, and I'm afraid that if I did it now it would simply fall out!
She also thought that shaving legs was critically important; however, I vividly remember frequently sitting between her stubbly legs as she'd braid or curl my hair when I was young (torture times two - being scratched by her stubbly legs and the traumatic hair styling!).
All of my mom's talks must have hit home though, as a razor and tooth brush are the two comfort items I'd want if heading out to Survivor Island. (Do they still take comfort items?) And I will forever haunt the caregiver who fails to shave my legs if I'm ever incapacitated!
I see her hands every time I look down at my own. I hear her voice every time I gasp in surprise. Potato soup, baked mac and cheese, and stuffed peppers remind me of Mom, as do scarves and the Sound of Music.
Remembering her makes me smile, and laugh... And these are merely the reminders I've had of Mom today! Praise God that tomorrow is another day, and it will surely greet me with other reminders of her.
A few days later it occurred to me that she would miss my graduation.
First, I'd tearfully anticipated Easter. Then Zach was in the ER with strep throat the night before, so all of our Easter plans were canceled.
Then my nephew's birthday party was this past Saturday. It was weird and sad to be there without Mom, but still such a blessed time to celebrate Jarrad and be with family.
Soon it will be Mother's Day. Then my birthday. Then my graduation.
Interestingly enough, very similar to how the sadness of missing her hits like a ton of bricks unexpectedly, so does the joy of having known her. Thankfully, these joyful reminders happen throughout the day, every day.
As I slipped a black shirt on this morning, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I was wearing two different blacks that didn't quite match. I smiled ... and then changed clothes. Mom always told me that it was impossible to match blacks if it wasn't purchased as a set.
She also told me never to wear pink lipstick with red clothing, or vice versa. I never have.
I get a good laugh every time I hear her saying, "It's very important for a wife to rise in the morning before her husband so she can brush her teeth, wash her face and straighten her hair before he sees her." Who does that?
There were also strict instructions to brush my hair 100 strokes before bed every night to make it shinier. I didn't have time for that as a kid, and I'm afraid that if I did it now it would simply fall out!
She also thought that shaving legs was critically important; however, I vividly remember frequently sitting between her stubbly legs as she'd braid or curl my hair when I was young (torture times two - being scratched by her stubbly legs and the traumatic hair styling!).
All of my mom's talks must have hit home though, as a razor and tooth brush are the two comfort items I'd want if heading out to Survivor Island. (Do they still take comfort items?) And I will forever haunt the caregiver who fails to shave my legs if I'm ever incapacitated!
I see her hands every time I look down at my own. I hear her voice every time I gasp in surprise. Potato soup, baked mac and cheese, and stuffed peppers remind me of Mom, as do scarves and the Sound of Music.
Remembering her makes me smile, and laugh... And these are merely the reminders I've had of Mom today! Praise God that tomorrow is another day, and it will surely greet me with other reminders of her.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Found a few words
My mother passed away 13 days ago. I kept my head and wasn't at all verbally-challenged as we made funeral arrangements, wrote her eulogy, visited with mourners, celebrated her life, and had fellowship with family after the funeral. But after the services were over, exhaustion set in and I was at a complete loss for words. How are you? I don't know. How can I help? I don't know. Do you need anything? I don't know.
I don't think numb is really the right word... Maybe confused. Or overwhelmed. Eventually, I was definitely irritated and cranky. I wondered where that fit into the "7 stages of grief".
I went back to work today. It was nice to do something "normal", and I hoped it would be a step in the right direction in moving away from irritated and cranky.
While at school (and on the way home), I had the chance to talk a little with girlfriends. I talked mostly about how I didn't know what I was feeling, but I also landed on a probable explanation for why Bryan and I had been a bit off in the last couple of days.
I think he was a little freaked out (feeling shut-out, perhaps) that his blogging, support group leading, therapy loving, never-stop-talking wife WAS NOT TALKING. The moment I got home this afternoon, I threw myself into his arms and began putting some words to my feelings... What a relief to have a few words again.
Have you ever heard someone say something like, "We can't understand why, but God has a plan..."? I don't feel that way at all about Mom's life - or her unexpected, sudden passing. It's as if I now have the beautiful honor and pleasure of stepping back five feet and viewing her entire, incredible work-of-art life and the many pieces and brush strokes that are now perfectly in place. God certainly worked miracles, moved mountains, and tended to every meticulous detail of Mom's life and my relationship with her. More on that in a later blog post...
But there are other things that I'm perplexed by.
I don't doubt at all that God has a plan for these perplexing things too, but I'm not exactly at peace in this area... In fact, if I'm being completely honest, I lean towards borrowing tomorrow's troubles.
Tonight I kept feeling the nudge to soak in the tub. I wasn't cold. I hadn't just worked out. I wasn't feeling stressed or needing a break from the kids. I had no aches. I just felt I needed to get into the tub. As I turned the water on, I felt I should grab a book. I didn't have any library books handy, so I grabbed the only book on my nightstand. It was a gift that I received months ago, but never even cracked.
I opened it, and the word trust jumped off the page at me. Not just trusting God, but trusting people too. A bit of scripture is quoted, "We loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well." 1 Thess 2:8.
A few pages later, the authors continue with, "It can be scary to trust God if we insist on fully understanding the step of faith He is asking us to take. Provers 3:5 assures us that we really can trust God from the bottom of our hearts - with every part of our lives. We tend to focus on what we can see and explain instead of choosing to focus on God and His promises. We need to grow and mature in Christ, but we also need to remain childlike in our faith."
That really smacked me between my eyes... Mostly because we discussed Mom's growth and Matthew 19:14 at Mom's funeral. Matthew 19:14 was a verse she'd clung to her entire life, "Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."" Love that this book reminded me to keep growing, and yet remain childlike.
How timely that I would reach for this book now, when I have ignored it for months. Was it sent to me for this very time in my life?
To face down fears of trusting God's lead, the book continues -
""Don't be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them." And Elisha prayed, "Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see." Then the Lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha." 2 Kings 6:15-17
Whatever it is that God is asking... Those who are with us are more than those who are against us.
I praise God for always being so much smarter than me. For taking the precious time to drop this book into my lap. For caring for me and meeting my every need. And I thank Mary Southerland for following his prompting in giving me this book - arrogant me, who only reached for it after months of dusting it off weekly. Trusting God is an excellent read so far.
I don't think numb is really the right word... Maybe confused. Or overwhelmed. Eventually, I was definitely irritated and cranky. I wondered where that fit into the "7 stages of grief".
I went back to work today. It was nice to do something "normal", and I hoped it would be a step in the right direction in moving away from irritated and cranky.
While at school (and on the way home), I had the chance to talk a little with girlfriends. I talked mostly about how I didn't know what I was feeling, but I also landed on a probable explanation for why Bryan and I had been a bit off in the last couple of days.
I think he was a little freaked out (feeling shut-out, perhaps) that his blogging, support group leading, therapy loving, never-stop-talking wife WAS NOT TALKING. The moment I got home this afternoon, I threw myself into his arms and began putting some words to my feelings... What a relief to have a few words again.
Have you ever heard someone say something like, "We can't understand why, but God has a plan..."? I don't feel that way at all about Mom's life - or her unexpected, sudden passing. It's as if I now have the beautiful honor and pleasure of stepping back five feet and viewing her entire, incredible work-of-art life and the many pieces and brush strokes that are now perfectly in place. God certainly worked miracles, moved mountains, and tended to every meticulous detail of Mom's life and my relationship with her. More on that in a later blog post...
But there are other things that I'm perplexed by.
I don't doubt at all that God has a plan for these perplexing things too, but I'm not exactly at peace in this area... In fact, if I'm being completely honest, I lean towards borrowing tomorrow's troubles.
Tonight I kept feeling the nudge to soak in the tub. I wasn't cold. I hadn't just worked out. I wasn't feeling stressed or needing a break from the kids. I had no aches. I just felt I needed to get into the tub. As I turned the water on, I felt I should grab a book. I didn't have any library books handy, so I grabbed the only book on my nightstand. It was a gift that I received months ago, but never even cracked.
I opened it, and the word trust jumped off the page at me. Not just trusting God, but trusting people too. A bit of scripture is quoted, "We loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well." 1 Thess 2:8.
A few pages later, the authors continue with, "It can be scary to trust God if we insist on fully understanding the step of faith He is asking us to take. Provers 3:5 assures us that we really can trust God from the bottom of our hearts - with every part of our lives. We tend to focus on what we can see and explain instead of choosing to focus on God and His promises. We need to grow and mature in Christ, but we also need to remain childlike in our faith."
That really smacked me between my eyes... Mostly because we discussed Mom's growth and Matthew 19:14 at Mom's funeral. Matthew 19:14 was a verse she'd clung to her entire life, "Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."" Love that this book reminded me to keep growing, and yet remain childlike.
How timely that I would reach for this book now, when I have ignored it for months. Was it sent to me for this very time in my life?
To face down fears of trusting God's lead, the book continues -
""Don't be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them." And Elisha prayed, "Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see." Then the Lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha." 2 Kings 6:15-17
Whatever it is that God is asking... Those who are with us are more than those who are against us.
I praise God for always being so much smarter than me. For taking the precious time to drop this book into my lap. For caring for me and meeting my every need. And I thank Mary Southerland for following his prompting in giving me this book - arrogant me, who only reached for it after months of dusting it off weekly. Trusting God is an excellent read so far.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
To mom, with love
My brother, sister and I had the honor of eulogizing our mother today...
There are countless stories to share about our mother. Just about everyone she knew has talked with us about how quickly Mom could throw together a meal, and fry chicken like no one else. On Sunday, Tonya reached for a bowl at Shanna’s, and the one she grabbed was chipped. Tonya reached for another, and it was chipped too. Shanna laughed out loud and said, “Those were Mom’s dishes.” We’re pretty sure Mom never had a full set of unblemished dishes for more than a week. She was a little clutzy… Mom loved parties, adventure, music, old movies, traveling, and the outdoors. We have so many fond memories of roller skating, riding bikes, scouting, swimming, fishing and picnicking with our mom. And Antioch Park will always be “our” place.
But more than all of these wonderful times together, Mom gave us an even greater gift.
It is no secret that Mom’s life had its fair share of pain and turmoil, but we are so proud of how hard she worked in her final years to mend her heart and reconcile relationships with each of her children. In the last couple of years, Mom made every effort to live intentionally; really taking the time to know each of her children – not just as her children, but as the adults we’d become – and allowing love to be a verb and not just a feeling. She’d learned how to give of her time and her heart unselfishly, rising to the occasion and mothering her children in ways we’d previously not dared dream of. She patiently sat through as many difficult discussions as we’d needed, genuinely taking the time to make amends … and allowing us to do the same.
As her children, our constant hope and prayer was that Mom would arrive at a place of genuine happiness, belonging and peace. In the end, she found just that! While her physical body was failing her over the last couple of years, Mom’s heart and emotional well-being was better than ever. She was surrounded by her children, grandchildren, and Michael. She delighted in those around her. She loved well, and was well-loved.
The reconciliation of our family is a precious gift, and we are overwhelmingly grateful to Mom for being so bold, so brave, and so humble in order that we could become the family we’d hoped for. The Lord moved in Mom's life – in OUR lives – in mighty ways … and He continues to do so even as we speak and cling to one another.
While our time has been cut short, we will forever cherish every moment we had with Mom. She will be deeply missed.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
We're having FUN in the kitchen
So, we've been on Weight Watchers for 13 days. And in those 13 days, the meals that have come out of our kitchen are COMPLETELY different from anything we've made before. We're eating things we'd refused to even TRY before, and liking all of it (okay, Bryan and Luke didn't like the eggplant parmasan very much).
In ten years of marriage, we'd never once made fish. We've had it three times in the last week.
In ten years of marriage, we'd never once made shrimp. We've had it five or six times in the last two weeks.
And we've had multiple dishes with our shrimp and tilapia and loved them all.
In ten years of marriage, we'd never once made stuffed peppers. We've had them twice.
In all my life, I've only once had an omelet. And, I'd certainly never made one. Veggies for breakfast? No thanks. But now? I'm throwing every veggie at my disposal into my eggs!
Between the ages of 18 and 22, I considered myself a vegetarian. But, what I recently discovered is that I was actually more of a carbivore, as loads of pasta, crackers, bread, chips, cheese, dips and butter - with the occasional raw fruit or veggie - really can't be considered a vegetarian diet, can it? Aside from steaming some veggies, I'd never actually COOKED with veggies till now!
We keep asking, "Why didn't we eat like this sooner?!?!"
In the first week, Bryan dropped 6 pounds and I dropped 4. I also lost 1 1/2" inches in my waist, and measurements of my thighs and arms were smaller too. AMAZING.
Since I can eat all the fruits and veggies I want, I really don't feel hungry. And I quickly adjusted to the smaller portion sizes. Now just two fajitas fills me up, when previously it would have been three, plus chips and salsa, plus guacamole or cheese dip, plus a soda, and perhaps a little ice cream in an hour.
During that first week, I felt better than I had in my entire life. I was so much slimmer looking and physically comfortable. Always. Morning, noon, night. For the first time in years!
Before starting this, I thought all those rolls were gross fat, but I honestly think I was B-L-O-A-T-E-D. I felt miserable constantly.
And then I started eating better and felt FANTASTIC.
Then.... The day after our first weigh-in, I started my period. Let me tell you, I have felt huge, miserable, cramped, uncomfortable, and discouraged for the last five days. I cannot believe how miserable menstruation makes me feel. At times I've wondered if I've already plateaued (really, after one week?), but I feel so miserable and I'm still eating well and exercising. It has got to be my cycle.
The bright side? I NOTICE the discomfort now. Before, I felt like this ALL the time. I was so puffed up every moment of every day that I didn't even notice PMS.
All of the cheese and crackers in the world are not worth feeling like this 365 days a year. Thank you, Weight Watchers.
In ten years of marriage, we'd never once made fish. We've had it three times in the last week.
In ten years of marriage, we'd never once made shrimp. We've had it five or six times in the last two weeks.
 |
| Shrimp with zucchini, peppers, onion and tomatoes |
And we've had multiple dishes with our shrimp and tilapia and loved them all.
In ten years of marriage, we'd never once made stuffed peppers. We've had them twice.
 | |
| Ground beef and beans! Reminded us of chili without the crackers. |
In all my life, I've only once had an omelet. And, I'd certainly never made one. Veggies for breakfast? No thanks. But now? I'm throwing every veggie at my disposal into my eggs!
 |
| I don't know how to fold an omelet, so it's basically scrambled eggs (one egg, one egg white) with veggies. |
Between the ages of 18 and 22, I considered myself a vegetarian. But, what I recently discovered is that I was actually more of a carbivore, as loads of pasta, crackers, bread, chips, cheese, dips and butter - with the occasional raw fruit or veggie - really can't be considered a vegetarian diet, can it? Aside from steaming some veggies, I'd never actually COOKED with veggies till now!
We keep asking, "Why didn't we eat like this sooner?!?!"
In the first week, Bryan dropped 6 pounds and I dropped 4. I also lost 1 1/2" inches in my waist, and measurements of my thighs and arms were smaller too. AMAZING.
Since I can eat all the fruits and veggies I want, I really don't feel hungry. And I quickly adjusted to the smaller portion sizes. Now just two fajitas fills me up, when previously it would have been three, plus chips and salsa, plus guacamole or cheese dip, plus a soda, and perhaps a little ice cream in an hour.
During that first week, I felt better than I had in my entire life. I was so much slimmer looking and physically comfortable. Always. Morning, noon, night. For the first time in years!
Before starting this, I thought all those rolls were gross fat, but I honestly think I was B-L-O-A-T-E-D. I felt miserable constantly.
And then I started eating better and felt FANTASTIC.
Then.... The day after our first weigh-in, I started my period. Let me tell you, I have felt huge, miserable, cramped, uncomfortable, and discouraged for the last five days. I cannot believe how miserable menstruation makes me feel. At times I've wondered if I've already plateaued (really, after one week?), but I feel so miserable and I'm still eating well and exercising. It has got to be my cycle.
The bright side? I NOTICE the discomfort now. Before, I felt like this ALL the time. I was so puffed up every moment of every day that I didn't even notice PMS.
All of the cheese and crackers in the world are not worth feeling like this 365 days a year. Thank you, Weight Watchers.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Weight Watchers 101
I've gained 25 pounds in the last 4 years ... nearly all of it in 2009 alone.
I weigh as much today as I did when I delivered each of my children.
I WEIGH AS MUCH NOT PREGNANT AS I DID AT NINE MONTHS PLUS THREE AND FOUR DAYS PREGNANT.
So... Now I am two hours into a Weight Watchers membership.
All of this is so shocking to me.
Five years ago, I could down a Totino's Party Pizza, chase it with a Coke and dessert if I wanted, and still have my size 6's falling off of me.
Then the reality of aging and living with PCOS came down on me. I've got to exercise and carefully consider what I eat. Blech.
The first thing I wanted to log into my Weight Watchers food tracker was a fruit smoothie. Three strawberries, half of a banana, 1/3 of a cup of blueberries, a few blackberries, 1 cup of skim milk, 1/2 cup of grape juice, and 1 TBS of chia seeds. Now, I will concede that this makes for a HUGE smoothie. (But I totally would have drank the whole thing yesterday!) And, on their own, each of the fruits has no points, but - for whatever reason - these foods, blended together, come to NINE points.
I'm only allowed 26 points a day.
I wanted to jump off a cliff. Or strangle someone at Weight Watchers.
I love fruits.
But even my doc told me that I needed to adopt a diabetic diet for optimal health and weight control. PCOS equals a pancreas that doesn't properly process insulin. And now Weight Watchers is telling me - again - that all that fruit is not a good thing.
After concocting my NINE point smoothie, I settled for 2/3 of it and put the rest in the fridge...
Then I began building my grilled chicken salad that I'll have for dinner. Mixed greens, cucumber, red bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, avocado, and grilled chicken. Only the last two ingredients have any points. The total for the salad (which will certainly leave me feeling more satisfied than that delicious smoothie) is only FOUR points. Evidently vegetables and fruits are not created equal.
Darned sugar in fruits...
Neither are salad dressings. My full-fat favorite blush wine vinaigrette is three points. An almost-equally yummy fat free raspberry vinaigrette is only ONE point. Salad with dressing comes to a total of FIVE points. Salad, glorious salad!
But I wanted to throw in TEN - count 'em, just TEN - yummy multigrain club crackers... Another FIVE points. Those ten measly (delicious) crackers DOUBLE the points value of my dinner. I also left off shredded mozzarella cheese. It probably would have only added one point, but I'm sure I'll be jonesing for a Tootsie Roll or two later ... and I love chocolate more than cheese.
For lunch? Steamed broccoli and shrimp with some brown sauce (we picked up the sauce up at Chinese restaurant up the street). Before the sauce, the broccoli and shrimp come to THREE points. I'm thinking about throwing in a 1/2 cup of brown rice, but that about doubles the points of the broccoli and shrimp - as does sauce.
While I still hate Weight Watchers for showing me - mathematically - just how bad cheese, crackers, rice, bread, sauces, dressings ... and even fruit in bulk ... can be for me, I am grateful. I just can't ignore this stuff anymore.
A sleeve of crackers and half a cheese ball has got to come out of my dinner rotation. Sob, sniff... Get out the plates, serve up proper portions and step away from the kitchen, Woman!
In under two hours, I have begun to get the concept of portion control and ingredient selection.
I weigh as much today as I did when I delivered each of my children.
I WEIGH AS MUCH NOT PREGNANT AS I DID AT NINE MONTHS PLUS THREE AND FOUR DAYS PREGNANT.
So... Now I am two hours into a Weight Watchers membership.
All of this is so shocking to me.
Five years ago, I could down a Totino's Party Pizza, chase it with a Coke and dessert if I wanted, and still have my size 6's falling off of me.
Then the reality of aging and living with PCOS came down on me. I've got to exercise and carefully consider what I eat. Blech.
The first thing I wanted to log into my Weight Watchers food tracker was a fruit smoothie. Three strawberries, half of a banana, 1/3 of a cup of blueberries, a few blackberries, 1 cup of skim milk, 1/2 cup of grape juice, and 1 TBS of chia seeds. Now, I will concede that this makes for a HUGE smoothie. (But I totally would have drank the whole thing yesterday!) And, on their own, each of the fruits has no points, but - for whatever reason - these foods, blended together, come to NINE points.
I'm only allowed 26 points a day.
I wanted to jump off a cliff. Or strangle someone at Weight Watchers.
I love fruits.
But even my doc told me that I needed to adopt a diabetic diet for optimal health and weight control. PCOS equals a pancreas that doesn't properly process insulin. And now Weight Watchers is telling me - again - that all that fruit is not a good thing.
After concocting my NINE point smoothie, I settled for 2/3 of it and put the rest in the fridge...
Then I began building my grilled chicken salad that I'll have for dinner. Mixed greens, cucumber, red bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, avocado, and grilled chicken. Only the last two ingredients have any points. The total for the salad (which will certainly leave me feeling more satisfied than that delicious smoothie) is only FOUR points. Evidently vegetables and fruits are not created equal.
Darned sugar in fruits...
Neither are salad dressings. My full-fat favorite blush wine vinaigrette is three points. An almost-equally yummy fat free raspberry vinaigrette is only ONE point. Salad with dressing comes to a total of FIVE points. Salad, glorious salad!
But I wanted to throw in TEN - count 'em, just TEN - yummy multigrain club crackers... Another FIVE points. Those ten measly (delicious) crackers DOUBLE the points value of my dinner. I also left off shredded mozzarella cheese. It probably would have only added one point, but I'm sure I'll be jonesing for a Tootsie Roll or two later ... and I love chocolate more than cheese.
For lunch? Steamed broccoli and shrimp with some brown sauce (we picked up the sauce up at Chinese restaurant up the street). Before the sauce, the broccoli and shrimp come to THREE points. I'm thinking about throwing in a 1/2 cup of brown rice, but that about doubles the points of the broccoli and shrimp - as does sauce.
While I still hate Weight Watchers for showing me - mathematically - just how bad cheese, crackers, rice, bread, sauces, dressings ... and even fruit in bulk ... can be for me, I am grateful. I just can't ignore this stuff anymore.
A sleeve of crackers and half a cheese ball has got to come out of my dinner rotation. Sob, sniff... Get out the plates, serve up proper portions and step away from the kitchen, Woman!
In under two hours, I have begun to get the concept of portion control and ingredient selection.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I have all that I need.
Feeling completely exhausted, terribly hormonal and on the verge of parental defeat, I sat down in my corner chair with a devotional and my Bible. Within minutes, I'd landed on Psalm 23:1-4. At first, I was tempted to blow through it... I've heard it so many times that I'd honestly quit hearing it. Till tonight.
Searching for refuge and encouragement, I slowly took in the words.
"The Lord is my shepherd. I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me."
Trust God's leading ... And don't try to take control back.
Feeling ill-equipped or in over my head? I have all that I need.
Exhausted? Remember the green meadows.
House chaotic? There are peaceful streams, too.
Maxed out? Dig deep - he's placed the strength within me.
Feeling alone or desperate? God is there.
Scared? His protection and comfort are there for the taking.
After a little reading and prayer, I'm still tired, but emotionally rejuvenated.
Searching for refuge and encouragement, I slowly took in the words.
"The Lord is my shepherd. I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me."
Trust God's leading ... And don't try to take control back.
Feeling ill-equipped or in over my head? I have all that I need.
Exhausted? Remember the green meadows.
House chaotic? There are peaceful streams, too.
Maxed out? Dig deep - he's placed the strength within me.
Feeling alone or desperate? God is there.
Scared? His protection and comfort are there for the taking.
After a little reading and prayer, I'm still tired, but emotionally rejuvenated.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
His Mighty Warrior
When we realized that our bedtime routine needed a little tweaking, we headed to a local Christian book store. We had dozens of little-kid Bible story books, and probably half a dozen adult Bibles, but Zach is really in-between the two at this point. He can just about quote the little-kid stories, but he doesn't know how to apply the adult Bible (which he's very interested in) to his life.
Enter... Incredible devotionals for really neat boys!
We bought several different books the other day, but his very favorite is His Mighty Warrior. I cannot say enough great things about this book! For each topic, there is scripture, a letter from God to his Mighty Warrior (what little boy wouldn't love that?), and a prayer for the child to incorporate into their prayer life.
Love, love, love these devotionals! They are prompting such deep discussions among our family and with our Heavenly Father. This book is incredible.
After I'd jotted down the kids' prayer lists tonight, Zach just did not feel finished... He sat down with His Mighty Warrior for another 15 minutes, and added to his prayer list. In his own words. In his own handwriting.
I love the heart of this Mighty Warrior.
Enter... Incredible devotionals for really neat boys!
We bought several different books the other day, but his very favorite is His Mighty Warrior. I cannot say enough great things about this book! For each topic, there is scripture, a letter from God to his Mighty Warrior (what little boy wouldn't love that?), and a prayer for the child to incorporate into their prayer life.
Love, love, love these devotionals! They are prompting such deep discussions among our family and with our Heavenly Father. This book is incredible.
After I'd jotted down the kids' prayer lists tonight, Zach just did not feel finished... He sat down with His Mighty Warrior for another 15 minutes, and added to his prayer list. In his own words. In his own handwriting.
I love the heart of this Mighty Warrior.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Prayer journal
"Does this mean we have to become spies?"
That's what Zach asked when he first learned about a prayer journal. You know, that part where you look back over previous prayer requests and see how God worked things out. He was trying to figure out how he'd know if a friend changed a behavior, or if someone got over their cold, or if an orphan was happy.
I do love how the child's mind works and how the most innocent questions come flying out without reservation.
I've had several prayer journals myself, but this is a first for the boys. I thought it would be a good way for them to list prayer items during the bedtime routine, rather than relying on memory ... and ending up with a prayer that sounds something like, "Dear God, uh ... Thank you for cows ... I can't remember anything else. Amen."
Although it is merely a standard school spiral, this prayer journal has proven to be remarkably thought-provoking and has been a wonderful tool in organizing their conversations with God. (My type-A organizer is over the moon making his lists!) It provides a blank sheet every day for them to fill with details for their Heavenly Father. They are so excited about this simple little spiral... They leave nothing out. Every kid (everyONE, really) should have one!
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
That's what Zach asked when he first learned about a prayer journal. You know, that part where you look back over previous prayer requests and see how God worked things out. He was trying to figure out how he'd know if a friend changed a behavior, or if someone got over their cold, or if an orphan was happy.
I do love how the child's mind works and how the most innocent questions come flying out without reservation.
I've had several prayer journals myself, but this is a first for the boys. I thought it would be a good way for them to list prayer items during the bedtime routine, rather than relying on memory ... and ending up with a prayer that sounds something like, "Dear God, uh ... Thank you for cows ... I can't remember anything else. Amen."
Although it is merely a standard school spiral, this prayer journal has proven to be remarkably thought-provoking and has been a wonderful tool in organizing their conversations with God. (My type-A organizer is over the moon making his lists!) It provides a blank sheet every day for them to fill with details for their Heavenly Father. They are so excited about this simple little spiral... They leave nothing out. Every kid (everyONE, really) should have one!
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
When mothers pray
There are a lot of things that I simply do not worry about. Weather. Finances. Marriage. Health. Death. Salvation. Kids acing tests and ruling the sports scene.
I don't worry about these things, but I certainly invest in these areas and try to make wise choices. I just don't stew or worry over what might or might not happen.
I do, however, worry about my people's happiness. Their hearts. Bryan's and the kids'... If they're struggling, I'm struggling.
And, this comes as a complete shock, I know ... but I often forget to pray immediately when trouble starts to rear its ugly head. I swing into fix-it mode and start brainstorming what needs to happen to turn things around.
Am I ever going to learn? Am I ever going to stop tasking and instead pray first?!?!
I've decided that Bryan and the kids should be tattooed on their foreheads - Just Pray. That way every time I see them, I'll be reminded to lift them up, surrendering them to their Heavenly Father and his perfect plan.
These past several months have brought more parenting heartache, confusion and surprise than I could have anticipated when motherhood was merely a pipe-dream. And if I did imagine that these issues and emotions would arise, I certainly didn't think it would happen before puberty.
I'm not always very smart, but I will say that I've made wonderful choices in friends and confidants! I'm convinced that my friend Carol prays for my family more than I do. I talk to her, she listens, she encourages, she prays ... and I listen to her, take her practical advice, and completely forget to pray.
Kids, if you're reading this, stop right now and thank God for Miss Carol. She's a gift to our family, for sure. I'd be a much worse mom if not for her.
So... It occurred to me (well into the drama and heartache) that I needed to cover my family in prayer, and I immediately began doing so - again. Knowing that I will probably fall out of this habit as soon as things mellow out. Oh, how I wish I'd be better at this... But, I digress.
I began praying, and peace invaded.
My tears and quivering voice disappeared.
My thoughts were directed and concise.
Peace has been ... Having a conversation with my child while driving 75 miles per hour down the highway and not wrecking when he told me about disturbing conversations happening among friends.
Peace has been ... Responding calmly and encouragingly when my son needed my reassurance and guidance, perhaps more than he's ever needed it before.
Peace has been ... Relaying this information to my husband over the phone, without feeling completely overwhelmed, and without freaking out when he replied, "I feel like I could throw up.". (Surely I'm not alone in holding it together just long enough to melt down to my husband?)
Peace has been ... Sleeping on it. Processing slowly and graciously and not responding from emotion, anger, worry, or fear.
Peace has been ... Allowing my husband to speak with the necessary parties without hesitation, without cancelling my day to be there, and without worrying or micromanaging what would be said. (Who am I?)
Peace has been ... So much easier. A gift in the middle of crisis.
Thank you, God, for hearing our desperate cries and meeting us where we're at. We're a mess without you.
"When the love of a mother for her child is connected with God's power through prayer, an irresistible force is released that changes people (including us), situations, schools and even communities." Cheri Fuller, When Mothers Pray.
"We can't control all the forces that try to undo our careful training and nurture. We can't always pick them up, kiss the hurt, and make everything better, especially when they get big enough to be on the playing field. But we can follow Hannah's example by scooping them up and carrying them to Jesus, who loves our children more than we ever could." Cheri Fuller, When Mothers Pray.
"Rise during the night and cry out. Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord. Lift up your hands to him in prayer, pleading for your children, for in every street they are faint with hunger." Lamentations 2:19
Scripture to strive towards:
"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2
Will I call on him as long as I live? Will I remember, surrender, give up my control ... and call on him always? He hears, and he answers. I'm the uncooperative one.
I don't worry about these things, but I certainly invest in these areas and try to make wise choices. I just don't stew or worry over what might or might not happen.
I do, however, worry about my people's happiness. Their hearts. Bryan's and the kids'... If they're struggling, I'm struggling.
And, this comes as a complete shock, I know ... but I often forget to pray immediately when trouble starts to rear its ugly head. I swing into fix-it mode and start brainstorming what needs to happen to turn things around.
Am I ever going to learn? Am I ever going to stop tasking and instead pray first?!?!
I've decided that Bryan and the kids should be tattooed on their foreheads - Just Pray. That way every time I see them, I'll be reminded to lift them up, surrendering them to their Heavenly Father and his perfect plan.
These past several months have brought more parenting heartache, confusion and surprise than I could have anticipated when motherhood was merely a pipe-dream. And if I did imagine that these issues and emotions would arise, I certainly didn't think it would happen before puberty.
I'm not always very smart, but I will say that I've made wonderful choices in friends and confidants! I'm convinced that my friend Carol prays for my family more than I do. I talk to her, she listens, she encourages, she prays ... and I listen to her, take her practical advice, and completely forget to pray.
Kids, if you're reading this, stop right now and thank God for Miss Carol. She's a gift to our family, for sure. I'd be a much worse mom if not for her.
So... It occurred to me (well into the drama and heartache) that I needed to cover my family in prayer, and I immediately began doing so - again. Knowing that I will probably fall out of this habit as soon as things mellow out. Oh, how I wish I'd be better at this... But, I digress.
I began praying, and peace invaded.
My tears and quivering voice disappeared.
My thoughts were directed and concise.
Peace has been ... Having a conversation with my child while driving 75 miles per hour down the highway and not wrecking when he told me about disturbing conversations happening among friends.
Peace has been ... Responding calmly and encouragingly when my son needed my reassurance and guidance, perhaps more than he's ever needed it before.
Peace has been ... Relaying this information to my husband over the phone, without feeling completely overwhelmed, and without freaking out when he replied, "I feel like I could throw up.". (Surely I'm not alone in holding it together just long enough to melt down to my husband?)
Peace has been ... Sleeping on it. Processing slowly and graciously and not responding from emotion, anger, worry, or fear.
Peace has been ... Allowing my husband to speak with the necessary parties without hesitation, without cancelling my day to be there, and without worrying or micromanaging what would be said. (Who am I?)
Peace has been ... So much easier. A gift in the middle of crisis.
Thank you, God, for hearing our desperate cries and meeting us where we're at. We're a mess without you.
"When the love of a mother for her child is connected with God's power through prayer, an irresistible force is released that changes people (including us), situations, schools and even communities." Cheri Fuller, When Mothers Pray.
"We can't control all the forces that try to undo our careful training and nurture. We can't always pick them up, kiss the hurt, and make everything better, especially when they get big enough to be on the playing field. But we can follow Hannah's example by scooping them up and carrying them to Jesus, who loves our children more than we ever could." Cheri Fuller, When Mothers Pray.
"Rise during the night and cry out. Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord. Lift up your hands to him in prayer, pleading for your children, for in every street they are faint with hunger." Lamentations 2:19
Scripture to strive towards:
"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2
Will I call on him as long as I live? Will I remember, surrender, give up my control ... and call on him always? He hears, and he answers. I'm the uncooperative one.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Life lesson of 2011
I have written this post in my head almost daily since before Christmas, but haven't put fingers to keyboard because I just can't get the right words out. And then I passed the guy who kick-started all of this in the church lobby this morning, and was nudged again to write it down. It's basically the biggest lesson I learned in 2011, so here goes.
It started innocently enough. In LifeGroup. In the fall 2010 and spring 2011 we were doing what I had previously considered light-weight studies. You know, back to the basics ... which I, in all arrogance, thought I was basically mastering.
Really? Mastering? I should have known I had issues when I immediately assumed I didn't have any issues.
So... During the second of our light-weight studies, an early homework assignment was to list the names of people in our village who we could pour the love of Christ out onto.
Easy. I blog. I'm on Facebook. I'm in women's studies and couples studies. I could easily come up with the names of 50 people I was living vulnerably with, encouraging, mentoring, befriending...
And, as I'm sitting there the next week, with my list of 50 people that I can name off the top of my head, the guy to my left says, "I've decided to invite my mom into my village."
I know some of his story - bits and pieces had been shared over the months we'd been meeting. A painful relationship with his mom. Hurt feelings. Significant detachment and estrangement.
Did I just hear that right? Did a GUY - a member of that human crowd that's not super capable of saying really heartfelt, sensitive, emotional, vulnerable things in mixed company - really just say that? (My apologies to my male readers ... all three of you ... I realize that as I sat there in shock - and denial at what was coming my way - that I was preoccupying myself with stereo-typing you.) And, here I am, clinging to my shallower-than-shallow list of people who are easy to shower with the love of Christ.
Let's be honest... Is is easy to shower love on people who've never hurt us. But... That's not what God has called us to do.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35
So, that night I let my list fall silently into the back of my Bible and knew that my heart was convicted to give this village thing some sincere thought.
I'd known what the RIGHT thing was the moment I heard my friend's words, but was I willing to submit?
A week later, I came to LifeGroup without my list in hand, but with my list in my heart. I'd really only added one person to my list, but it was the one God wanted me to invite into my life at that time. My mother.
I'd committed to call her a couple of times a month, and invited her out for holidays that we'd never before celebrated together. I even invited her to a soccer game and took her to several doctors appointments. I saw her more in 2011 than I had in the previous ten years combined.
I began to form a relationship with my mother. A relationship that was being built on today's circumstances and events, and not on a painful history. I began to see her from an adult's perspective, for who she is today. I was no longer looking through the lens of a young, inexperienced, hurt, betrayed child. Nor was I looking for who she was long ago. I was allowing for a true second chance. Allowing each of us to be different. Allowing room for love to grow.
It's not always been easy. I have had to shake those old feelings of frustration, hurt and resentment time and again. A time-out works wonders for me - just enough of a breather to refocus on peace and joy rather than being right (or vindicated). And I am amazed at just how much I have mellowed.
"God opposes the proud, but favors the humble." James 4:6b
"Be strong through the grace that God gives you in Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 2:1
Over the last ten years, I was actually pretty sure that I didn't want a relationship with my mom; but I was also vividly aware that her absence left a hole in my heart. I praise God for putting us in that light-weight study, with the GUY who shocked me into adding my mom to my village.
“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12
Not only am I enjoying the continued mending of my heart, but the blossoming relationship I have with my mom is a gift to each of us. And to my children. And even to my extended family, as I have really laid to rest my instinct to keep them all at an arms-length.
Thanks to my bold friend who first added his mom to his village. I smile every time I think of you and remember how you - unintentionally - inspired such healing in my life.
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another..." Hebrews 10:24-25
It started innocently enough. In LifeGroup. In the fall 2010 and spring 2011 we were doing what I had previously considered light-weight studies. You know, back to the basics ... which I, in all arrogance, thought I was basically mastering.
Really? Mastering? I should have known I had issues when I immediately assumed I didn't have any issues.
So... During the second of our light-weight studies, an early homework assignment was to list the names of people in our village who we could pour the love of Christ out onto.
Easy. I blog. I'm on Facebook. I'm in women's studies and couples studies. I could easily come up with the names of 50 people I was living vulnerably with, encouraging, mentoring, befriending...
And, as I'm sitting there the next week, with my list of 50 people that I can name off the top of my head, the guy to my left says, "I've decided to invite my mom into my village."
I know some of his story - bits and pieces had been shared over the months we'd been meeting. A painful relationship with his mom. Hurt feelings. Significant detachment and estrangement.
Did I just hear that right? Did a GUY - a member of that human crowd that's not super capable of saying really heartfelt, sensitive, emotional, vulnerable things in mixed company - really just say that? (My apologies to my male readers ... all three of you ... I realize that as I sat there in shock - and denial at what was coming my way - that I was preoccupying myself with stereo-typing you.) And, here I am, clinging to my shallower-than-shallow list of people who are easy to shower with the love of Christ.
Let's be honest... Is is easy to shower love on people who've never hurt us. But... That's not what God has called us to do.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35
So, that night I let my list fall silently into the back of my Bible and knew that my heart was convicted to give this village thing some sincere thought.
I'd known what the RIGHT thing was the moment I heard my friend's words, but was I willing to submit?
A week later, I came to LifeGroup without my list in hand, but with my list in my heart. I'd really only added one person to my list, but it was the one God wanted me to invite into my life at that time. My mother.
I'd committed to call her a couple of times a month, and invited her out for holidays that we'd never before celebrated together. I even invited her to a soccer game and took her to several doctors appointments. I saw her more in 2011 than I had in the previous ten years combined.
I began to form a relationship with my mother. A relationship that was being built on today's circumstances and events, and not on a painful history. I began to see her from an adult's perspective, for who she is today. I was no longer looking through the lens of a young, inexperienced, hurt, betrayed child. Nor was I looking for who she was long ago. I was allowing for a true second chance. Allowing each of us to be different. Allowing room for love to grow.
It's not always been easy. I have had to shake those old feelings of frustration, hurt and resentment time and again. A time-out works wonders for me - just enough of a breather to refocus on peace and joy rather than being right (or vindicated). And I am amazed at just how much I have mellowed.
"God opposes the proud, but favors the humble." James 4:6b
"Be strong through the grace that God gives you in Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 2:1
Over the last ten years, I was actually pretty sure that I didn't want a relationship with my mom; but I was also vividly aware that her absence left a hole in my heart. I praise God for putting us in that light-weight study, with the GUY who shocked me into adding my mom to my village.
“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12
Not only am I enjoying the continued mending of my heart, but the blossoming relationship I have with my mom is a gift to each of us. And to my children. And even to my extended family, as I have really laid to rest my instinct to keep them all at an arms-length.
Thanks to my bold friend who first added his mom to his village. I smile every time I think of you and remember how you - unintentionally - inspired such healing in my life.
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another..." Hebrews 10:24-25
Thursday, January 5, 2012
For the record
This occurred to me this morning, and I don't want to forget it.
Annual physicals were required under our old health insurance (for a lower deductible), so at the beginning of every year - for ten years - I'd go in for the delightful weigh-in, blood draw, and medical inquisition.
"How about exercise?" asks the kind doctor who must think I just overlooked that on the questionnaire.
An embarrassed shake of the head... "None. Unless you count chasing little kids??"
Then two years ago: "I'm training for my first 5K. I'm just starting to run, so ... 1-3 miles a couple times a week?"
Then one year ago: "I got hurt last year. Runners knee after the 5K, then a pinched nerve, then 5 weeks of physical therapy. No exercise for the rest of the year. I'm just starting to run again. Training for another 5K. So... 1-3 miles a couple times a week?"
And now. Well... I don't think annual physicals are required under our new health insurance, but, let the record reflect that I'm running about ten miles a week. And I bike on nice days year-round, and I'll swim regularly again over the summer. And every now and then I do some sit-ups and push-ups.
I'm no longer stationary.
That reminds me of a conversation I had with another mom last summer. I'd mentioned training for my tri and she replied: "Good for you. I'm not a runner at all. If anything, I guess I'm just a sprinter. I only run five miles at a time, 2-3 times a week."
So... If I'm comparing myself to her "not a runner" status, I guess I'm not even a crawler!
Whatever I am, I'll take it. I'm pleased. And I'm healthier than I once was.
Annual physicals were required under our old health insurance (for a lower deductible), so at the beginning of every year - for ten years - I'd go in for the delightful weigh-in, blood draw, and medical inquisition.
"How about exercise?" asks the kind doctor who must think I just overlooked that on the questionnaire.
An embarrassed shake of the head... "None. Unless you count chasing little kids??"
Then two years ago: "I'm training for my first 5K. I'm just starting to run, so ... 1-3 miles a couple times a week?"
Then one year ago: "I got hurt last year. Runners knee after the 5K, then a pinched nerve, then 5 weeks of physical therapy. No exercise for the rest of the year. I'm just starting to run again. Training for another 5K. So... 1-3 miles a couple times a week?"
And now. Well... I don't think annual physicals are required under our new health insurance, but, let the record reflect that I'm running about ten miles a week. And I bike on nice days year-round, and I'll swim regularly again over the summer. And every now and then I do some sit-ups and push-ups.
I'm no longer stationary.
That reminds me of a conversation I had with another mom last summer. I'd mentioned training for my tri and she replied: "Good for you. I'm not a runner at all. If anything, I guess I'm just a sprinter. I only run five miles at a time, 2-3 times a week."
So... If I'm comparing myself to her "not a runner" status, I guess I'm not even a crawler!
Whatever I am, I'll take it. I'm pleased. And I'm healthier than I once was.
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