The really hard [tear jerking] part

Five months ago, I was in the foggy throws of planning my mother's funeral.  As I went through the motions with my brother and sister, I carefully considered what I wanted to say at her funeral.  It wasn't determined yet who would speak, but I knew God was laying things on my heart that were meant to be shared.  Ultimately, I wrote the draft of her eulogy with my brother and sister's input, rewrote it with their edits, and stood there crying as my brother read it.

I have not yet spoken those sentiments myself in front of a group of people.

But I will tomorrow.

I am naturally a crier.  I often wish I wasn't, and occasionally I even pray that God would harden me up ... even if just a little bit.

But, so far, no such luck.

So, I'm here writing...  Hoping that sharing here just how hard this is might at least ease those nerves.

I have shared my story hundreds of times, and my tone is never an angry, embittered, unforgiving one, but I feel even more sensitive to it now that she has passed.  I really do not want to hurt my brother and sister, or my mother's siblings, or our extended family, or even my mother's memory as I honestly share the ugly truth...  Not that what happened didn't happen, or shouldn't be discussed.  Because it did, and it should.  Because, as I openly share, it allows others the freedom to share and examine their own unresolved pain.  What I went through can be used to help others get through what they're going through.

The really hard [tear jerking] part is that merely saying her name hurts my heart.  As each month has passed, it's been that much longer since we were together.  And it somehow feels like the missing gets worse, as it's evident that she's not coming back and our lives continue on.

And I didn't have a "normal" mom.  My mom was hurt.  And she hurt others.  It wasn't until the final few years that she really made significant efforts to learn to love.  In the end, but only for a couple of years, we had a loving relationship.  It was still effected by pains from the past, but it was genuinely good, and loving, and fulfilling.  I'm so very grateful for it, but it was simply too short.

So, that is how I think tomorrow's talk ends...  [Mind you, this is only the few-second version of my 40 minute talk...]  With the message that sometimes we need distance in a relationship to mend our hearts and prepare us for reconciliation.  And that reconciliation is a precious gift.

Praise the Lord that my heart is heavy not because of what I never had, but because of what lasted only a short while....and that I miss deeply.

God's got this

That's a first...

I just left my kids in bed, and one was crying and wouldn't tell me why.  "It's okay" and "you can't do anything about it anyway" were uttered time and again when I tried to get him to talk with me.

We had a really rough day.  Emotions were ever-bubbling at the surface.  One child is returning to school tomorrow after a very difficult year ... and taking a really awesome, unexpected [nerve-wracking] field trip (hours by bus) to make a documentary of the K-State football program on the 2nd day of school.  One is beginning kindergarten the following day.  Bryan is working evenings, so, aside from breakfast, he won't see Zach three days a week (the pits for everyone).  I've slept poorly and woken early for the last 10 days or so, leaving me a little less than pleasant and patient.

And then KFC got Luke's dinner all wrong (discovered at home).  And Zach's nose piece fell off his glasses (after our optical place closed).  And one of my kids spit water on the other (gasp!).  And one got whacked in the back in a Nerf sword battle.  Normal things ... going dramatically wrong.  It's been rough.

So...  What was I to do with a crying child who wouldn't confide in me?  Pray.  And hold him as much as he'd let me.  And remind him that Daddy and I are here.

That's all I could do.  I prayed with him, reminded him, reminded myself ... that God's got this.  Whatever it is that's troubling my guy, God's got it.

This is the first time that he's ever not allowed me to hold him close.  It's the first time he's ever refused to talk with me.  It's the first time he's ever nodded off with tears still streaming (with exception of the baby days).

Honestly, I'd hoped that he'd come down a few minutes after I left, having seen the light...  Realizing that confiding in Mom is the right approach.  But he didn't.

And I expect that this won't be the last time he takes that approach.

I don't love it.  But, I'm praying for my boy.  And with him.  Constantly praying for God's arms to wrap themselves around him, for Zach to know His presence, for confidence in who and whose he is, and for the constant nudging for Zach to keep an open dialogue with his heavenly father.  It's no picnic, getting shut out as his confidant...  But, God's got this.

And I'm amazed at how God's grown me.  Some of you are reading this, remembering Tonya from a few years back that would need a padded room on a day like today.

But, God's got this.  All of this.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."  Phil. 4:6

Perspective

As a blog post is brewing in my heart, I sometimes think that my blog subtitle should be "making other moms feel superior one post at a time".  After all, my pattern is generally to blow it royally for a really long time before something smarter occurs to me.  Read:  I get in my own way.  I make matters worse.  I'm a slow learner.

Confession:  My husband and I have occasionally been guilty of comparing our kids' performance to other kids'.  When our kids didn't "get it right", we inevitably found ourselves on a mission to help them "get it right".  If we're being completely honest, this helping was generally more upsetting than anything - for everyone - as we'd somehow end up saying or insinuating that our son was blowing it by not trying hard enough, or not taking it seriously enough, or not practicing hard enough.  Although we never meant it this way, basically the message received was often that our kid wasn't good enough.

I know.  Horrible.  Right?

Is it just this ridiculous pressure to fit in?  To conform?  To have a reputation?

That's laughable...  After all, we're talking about little kids here!

And, frankly, that last one makes my stomach flip ... but I think there's some truth to it.  I don't worry anymore about my reputation, but my kids still have their entire lives ahead of them and I don't want them to be teased or isolated for not having the just-so reputation.

Gulp.

I know that there is absolutely nothing godly about that thought process...  But this is an area where I struggle.  I want my kids to have an "easier" time of it, and that includes being easily accepted by their peers.

And then we go and muddy the waters completely by sending the message - through all of our help - that they are not good enough.

I've been convicted.

Certainly, we do expect full effort in all areas ... but how my kid stacks up to your kid doesn't matter.  How my kid feels about himself is what matters.  Does he finish with a smile?  Does he feel built up and successful?  Is he proud of himself?  Is he happy?  Was it fun?  These are the things that matter.

We can study and practice till the cows come home, but we are no longer comparing our kids to other kids.  It's entirely about being the best version of themselves.

Today, I watched my oldest play soccer with fresher eyes.  He's on a really good team, with really competitive kids who play a lot of different sports year round.  And, my guy is ... well ... analytical, slower, not eager to get physical, not one to over-schedule ... but he rocked it his way today. 

With our support [with us off his back], he had the freedom to simply have fun and be himself.  It was a tournament, playing against elite teams, and our kids are really focused on learning their positions and responsibilities this season ... and Zach has an excellent memory for those kinds of things.  He knows the rules and doesn't break them - no off-sides for our guy.  And every time someone had to throw-in or take a goal kick ... he knew which player had that job and was telling them where to be and when.  He was an excellent player-coach today.  And he got in there and fought for the ball every chance he got.  And I've got to think that it was, in part, because we just stayed out of the way and let him do his thing.  However quirky.

And he had a blast.  Their team rarely loses, but they lost all three tournament games this weekend.  But Zach came off the field saying, "Wow, they are elite teams and we're just a rec team.  I bet they think we're an elite team too, because we're really good."

That's the smile we're looking for.

No bounty hunter here

Today was our official kick-off for fall sports.  Luke had a baseball game, and Zach had two soccer games.  Tomorrow, each has one game.

Over the years, I've listened to them whine about practices or looked on as they gave the bare minimum at games, and I've realized that there's something I should take credit for passing on to my kids...  The giving up gene.  We get tired, we quit.  We get hot, we quit.  We get discouraged, we quit.  We feel insecure, we quit.  We just don't feel like it today, we quit.

But when a game is scheduled and a team is counting on us, quitting isn't an option.

So...  Don't judge me for this, but I offered the boys a punch card incentive to give their all at games.  If they run their fastest and try their hardest 80% of the season, they get a prize.  If they run their fastest and try their hardest 100% of any given month, they get another prize.

We're not talking grand slams or game winning goals - just 100% of their heart, attention, and their best effort.

Luke is all over this. And negotiating a "medium Lego set".  I'm pretty sure that the prize will not be that big.  After all, this is not NCAA bribery ... but, at some point today, on the dawn of a new sports season, rewarding positive behavior just seemed like a good idea.

After thinking about it for a few minutes, Zach said, "Well...  Can I start it in two days?"

At first I thought he was trying to get out of playing hard tomorrow (he's exhausted) ... but instead of jumping to conclusions, I asked why he wanted to wait.

"Because...  I don't want to be like a bounty hunter.  Or your employee.  Before you give me a prize for doing what is already expected, I want to prove that I can do it for nothing."

Be still my heart.  What an amazing young man.

Adoption

So, Pat Robertson broke my heart a little tonight. 

Televangelist Pat Robertson has said on Thursday's edition of The 700 Club with co-host Kristi Watts that people thinking of adopting children should be cautious about taking in those that have been sexually abused or deprived of food for risk that they may turn out to be weird." 

Yes, he said that.  Among other things.

You can read the full article here.

It breaks my heart for many reasons.

I was one of those sexually abused [neglected....abandoned child of a drug addict] kids.  Should I have been cast aside by society, for fear that I'd turn out weird?

And...  Okay, so I did turn out pretty messed up.  Or "weird".  After an entire childhood of heartache, I developed coping mechanisms that were not healthy.  And I had a no self-esteem and a fairly skewed moral compass.  In my late teens/early 20's, I made some unwise and hurtful decisions that I will forever regret.

And, oddly enough, I'd felt called to adopt the unloveables when I was nine years old.

But, clearly, I was not yet ready ... and I knew it.

Thankfully, by my later 20's, I was piecing my life back together and found a church family that helped guide me into healing and wholeness through a sincere relationship with the Lord.  I thank God for his grace, mercy and forgiveness!

And it breaks my heart that Pat Robertson is a Christian leader who has influence over others.  Did someone hear his message and decide against adoption because of his fear-filled, faith-less, self-centered message?  Will a child go without a forever family because their potential parents found the justification they needed to ignore God's call?

Don't get me wrong.  The fears are real.  And justified.

Kids are hard.  Wounded kids are harder.

And change is hard.  Adapting to someone else' habits, style, needs, etc. is difficult.  Always.  This is why the first year of marriage is often not a picnic.

And, because it cannot be undersold, adding kids - especially wounded kids - to your already-settled family is definitely complicated, hard, taxing, stressful, expensive, risky...  Add whatever adjective you want, and it'll probably fit. 

But those little people deserve a family to call their own.  They deserve loving, protective arms to be wrapped around them.  They deserve a note written on their lunch banana that simply says, "Love, Mom."  They deserve a hand to hold in the dark.  They deserve the prayers of a father whispered over them at bedtime.  They deserve a parent to attend parent teacher conferences.  They deserve a visit over family weekend at college.  And ... one day ... their children will deserve loving grandparents. 

And it breaks my heart that non-believers might read what Pat Robertson said and chalk it up to just one more reason to believe that all Christians are self-serving, ill-informed, narrow-minded, self-righteous hypocrites.

Pat Robertson doesn't speak for all Christians.  And Pat Robertson is human.  Perhaps this is an area where fear takes over for Mr. Robertson...  I shudder to think of how many opportunities that my family misses simply because we allowed fear (or our desire for comfort) to win.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families."  Psalm 68:5-6

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

God was not only the founder of adoption; he was the first adoptive parent.

Nearly 30 years after the first seed was planted in my heart, it is still my prayer to one day be an adoptive parent.  There are so many precious children waiting, aging, crying, longing ... missing out on all of the blessings that come with a forever family.

Praying for coaches

I added something new to our prayer list last night...  Our coaches.

Why has this just dawned on me?  We have prayed for the educators and staff at the kids' schools since before we were ever in school.  And we pray for Sunday school teachers...  And we've thanked God many times over for our coaches, but we've never really prayed for them. 

If our kids participate in sports for the reasons my husband and I say they do, then their coaches need all the prayer support they can get! 

Why do our kids participate in sports?

To grow social relationships with their peers.

To establish trusting relationships with adults outside of our family.

To learn how to be a part of a team.

To maintain physical activity and good health.

To receive support, encouragement, and constructive feedback from someone other than Mom and Dad.

To learn how to win and lose gracefully.

To learn how to be competitive while keeping ones integrity and character in tact.

To have fun.

To know the freedom and joy of simply being a kid and playing.

As I've sat back and watched my kids with their various teachers and coaches, I've often wondered if they realize the full scope of what they are doing.  Or do they just think it's about piano, or soccer, or baseball, or basketball, or math...  Do they realize that they are writing on the heart and mind of the child before them?

The work of a teacher - a coach is a teacher - is a tall order and calls for prayer.

Additionally, our coaches are given a degree of permission to add things to our family's schedule.  And they are given discretion regarding the safety and discipline of our children when we are not there.

Our family has been richly blessed with loving coaches who are passionate about all of the above.  As fall sports continue through late October, we will continue to lift these men up in prayer.  So their hearts and minds will be primed with wisdom, patience, endurance and passion for the kids entrusted to them.  We also pray that many blessings are poured out on their families, as they give generously and sacrificially for the team...more specifically - for my child.

You only fail when you refuse to try

This afternoon, I took a stroll down memory lane - remembering time spent with little girlfriends when I was young.  Dressing up in Tiffany's mom's dresses, high heels, jewelry and accessories.  Shaving legs with Kasha.  Listening to music with Angel.  Long afternoons sharing secrets and whispering about boys in Kile's backyard.  Looking through Tiger Beat and Teen Beat magazines with Kim, professing our undying love for Don Johnson and Ralph Macchio.  Underwater tea parties at the pool with Marci and Michelle.  Experimenting with hair and make-up with Mandy.  Doing bedroom ballet and singing into hairbrush microphones with my sister.  Babysitting classes and crafts with my Girl Scout troop.  Cooking and sewing classes with girls in my Sunday school class. 

When girls gathered, we were pretty stationary - keeping only our hands and mouths moving.

However, as a mother of boys, I've learned that boys socialize differently.  Little talking, lots of movement.  Lots of sports.

And...  If excelling easily at sports isn't your thing, this kind of socializing can be difficult.

At the start of the summer, my husband and I agreed to invest in opportunities for Zach to grow in this area.  To grow in the knowledge of who and whose he is (so he doesn't feel he needs to find his identity in sport), while growing comfortable and confident in actively engaging with other kids.

We didn't enroll him in sports camps to groom him for super stardom.  We were not trying to give him a leg up or condition him for the next season.  We merely wanted him to have several opportunities a week to play with different groups of kids, trying new things, going outside of his comfort zone.

And he loved every minute of it.

Today was the last of all of his camps.

And, can you believe it ... he WON FIRST PLACE in the championship round of Junior Golf.

He was happy to simply have been at Junior Golf for the last eight weeks with his cousins, but to win a trophy?  He's over the moon.   And we are so proud of him.

Win, lose, or draw in sport - he's learned and grown a lot and made several new friends this summer.  As he returns to school next month, I pray that he will cling to the successes he's had this summer and remember that ... you only fail when you refuse to try.  And, it's just life.  Don't take it so seriously.  Have fun.  Laugh.  Get dirty.  Play.

10 year old trend-setters

I often think about the facades people keep up and the secrets that are hidden deep in our hearts.  How it separates us from others, and leaves us feeling alone.

Leaves us feeling less....less worthy, less capable, less loveable, less acceptable, etc.

Today I enjoyed the company of two ten year old boys.  Both, complete strangers to me.  One in the morning at church.  Another in the late afternoon at the pool.

These boys set a shining example of vulnerable living, honest sharing, bold encouragement and faith.

As we discussed forgiveness in our small group at church this morning, one young man at our table piped up often.  "I've been left out at recess a lot of times.  It hurts my feelings, but I try really hard to forgive and be nice to them anyway."  As the young boy next time him said that he didn't have anything he needed to ask forgiveness for, he piped up again, "You mean you've never hit your brother?  Or talked back to your parents?  Or been the one who was a bad friend??"  His vulnerable sharing and gentle questioning paved the way for the other kids to honestly assess their lives, jot down things they need to forgive or ask for forgiveness for, and even share a little with the group.  As we bowed our heads, this young man asked if he could pray, and he offered up the prayer of  a confident, contrite man.  At the ripe old age of ten.

The young man I had the pleasure to meet this afternoon was a similar kind of awesome.  As Zachary climbed the ladder to the high dive, fear was all over his face.  As he stood at the top, bracing himself on the handrails, breathing heavily, squeezing his eyes tightly shut, and trying hard to convince himself to walk forward and jump ... encouragement came from a young boy on the ground.  "We've got all day, take your time.  I still get scared up there too, so I have to force myself to jump sometimes.  And it's fun.  Just a little scary at first.  But FUN."  As Zach climbed back down the ladder, the kid encouraged him to take a break and try again later.  This scenario repeated itself three times.  Zach going to the top, the young boy encouraging and confessing his own weaknesses, Zach climbing back down.  The forth time, the boy stood at the base of the ladder as Zachary hurried to the end of the board and jumped....before he could change his mind, exactly as the young encourager had suggested.  And the encourager missed it!  He told Zach that he was sorry he'd missed his jump, and Zach readily did it for him again.  And again.  And again.  And the boys cheered and celebrated with high fives and laughter. 

These two boys were such blessings to be around today, as they loved others through affirmation, truth, transparency, encouragement and even prayer.  Amazing kids.  As I lay my head down tonight, I will pray that they don't lose their heart for others, and that through their hearts their piece of the world will be changed.  I will also pray for the courage to be more like them, and for the wisdom to impart this way of loving on the hearts of my children.  It was through these two boys' words, actions and examples that those around them found the courage to be honest about who they are and where they struggle.

"Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:39

My wild child

I'm feeling a special kinship to Tony Hawk's mom and John and Stasi Eldredge tonight.

A $4 set of knee & elbow pads found in a thrift store led to the purchase of an $11 skateboard at Target.

I had skateboards growing up, and have often wanted my kids to have them...  But, frankly, I didn't want to watch them break their wrists.  When they found the pads, Zach mumbled, "But I know you'd never let us have a skateboard."

To which I shrugged my shoulder and replied, "Why not?"  After all, I had skateboards and never got hurt.

My stunned first born paused and said, "But, don't you have to ask Dad?  I'm sure he'd want to discuss this with you first."

At that, the indignant feminist hiding deep inside of me tossed the pads into the cart and promised a skateboard.  Tonight.

As we shopped for a skateboard, I told them we should probably hit the bubble wrap aisle too.  My witty kids laughed, and then argued through the store over whose turn it was to carry it.  The moment it was paid for, they started ripping the packaging off.

When we got home, Zach had to change into his professional skateboarder uniform.  Tony Hawk shorts and his skater shoes.  Clothes have always mattered to Zach.

When he first approached getting on the board, he confessed to being scared.  "It's looks hard to balance.  And how do I get started?  How do I stop?"  After a quick tutorial - with Mom demonstrating in flip flops, using Zach as my spotter - he figured that if Mom could do it, he could do it.  And with Mom holding his hands for the first 30 seconds or so, he was off.

In no time at all, he was trying to control what direction he was heading.  Flipping it here and there...  Gaining confidence and speed.  Checking the scratches on the bottom after every stop.  You know, scratches are a sign of a board well-used!

Next thing I know, he's saying things like, "WORD!" and "Now, that's how it's done!"  He was a boy, excited about a new, thrilling, somewhat dangerous accomplishment. 

Zach is often so subdued that it's easy to forget that he was designed by God to be wild at heart.  But tonight, the wildness shone...  The wildness that is too often hidden under his skeptical, analytical, careful, perfectionist tendencies.  The wildness that is too often squashed by a nervous parent who doesn't want him to get hurt.

He had a blast tonight.  He went to bed with his chest puffed up and a huge smile on his face.  He was so proud.  So accomplished.

I am so glad my guys found that $4 bag of pads buried in the sports equipment bin at the thrift store.  And so glad that I didn't get in the way of him taking a walk on the wild side.

Too many problems?

One of the kids' devotion questions last week was, "Do you ever feel like you have too many problems?"

To be honest, I had to stifle a laugh as they both gave emphatic YESes.

My first thought:  "They're kids!  What kind of problems do they have?"

So, I asked them.

When teachers give too much homework.  When others won't play fair.  When my brother isn't being nice.  When I can't beat a video game level.  When I have too many things on my schedule.  When I'm not included.  When I have to play sports in the heat.  When I don't feel good.  When I'm in time out.  When we have to clean our playroom.

When you're going into kindergarten and 3rd grade, these are legitimate problems.  Too many problems.

Romans 5:3-4 speaks to this issue.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."

Love it.  I've printed it and taped it to the wall.

As a runner, my endurance has been under constant scrutiny for the last year and a half.  I used to get hot or tired and just throw in the towel and walk, but as I've stayed steadfast in my training, my endurance has grown and I'm going faster and farther.  

On a broader scale, I see this playing out in my life and in that of my family...  We're quick to quit on things.  Quick to believe the lies that we can't.  Quick to believe that we're in over our head or outmatched.  Quick to believe that everyone else has it together and we don't.  Quick to believe that whatever-it-is is a bad idea.

This bit of scripture is so life-giving...

Problems - processing through them, exchanging the lies for truth, praying with faith and expectation, charging through fear, falling back on God's promises and provision - develop endurance.  And endurance builds character, and character strengthens hope.

Powerful.

God willing...at last

When I crawled out of bed this morning, the house was quiet and a cup of coffee was calling my name.  After filling my favorite mug, I grabbed my Bible, and headed for a quiet corner in the living room.

I'm not currently in a Bible study, so I didn't really know where to begin.  As I thumbed through 2,300+ pages, I quickly settled on Romans.

Romans 1:10 really spoke to me: "One of the things I always pray for is the opportunity, God willing, to come at last to see you."  

It struck me that Paul always prayed for this same thing, yet hadn't grown tired or hopeless.  And I love how "God willing...at last" almost sounds desperate - at least it does the way I read it. 

Boy can I relate to praying for the same things... often in desperation.  Pleading.

First I thought of fostering/adoption, and missions work.  It's been on my heart since I was a little girl, but it's not yet been a call on our family. 

Then I thought of my son.

And then I thought about a conversation I had Monday night with my friend who prays every night with her daughters that they won't have bad dreams.  Yet, the bad dreams come anyway.

As I thought about Paul, prayerful in his desires to one day go to Rome, his story came to mind.  He did eventually make it to Rome, but he arrived as a prisoner.  He'd prayed for safe travels, and did arrive safely ... but only after getting arrested, slapped in the face, shipwrecked, and bitten by a poisonous snake.

Talk about hiccups along the way!

I'm reminded that God does answer prayer, He just doesn't generally do so in our timing, nor does he do so in exact compliance what what we had in mind.

My thoughts return to my son.  My son who sometimes cries out, asking WHEN WILL IT BE EASIER?  The son who will one day be on the other side of things, saying to another little person, I know what it is to be scared, intimidated and insecure sometimes.  I know what it is to be a bit quirky.  I know what it is to get overwhelmed.  I know what it is to be sick of doctors appointments and frustrated with your body.  I know what it is to have to work hard at things that seem so easy for others.  And I know what it is to wait on answers to prayer...  Hang in there.  God is listening.  He has a plan.  God willing ... at last, things will work out.

WHOLE

Last week I attended an exciting planning meeting for WHOLE Women's Conference coming up at the end of Aug.  I have the humbling privilege of leading break-out sessions where I get to share with as many women who will listen, the journey back to wholeness after the life-shattering pain of sexual abuse.

The conference is offering 17 breakout topics, each being led by 17 incredible women with a heart for God and for his children.  Women who will boldly share truth, hope, and encouragement, drawing on their own very real, very personal stories.

But first...  We must plan - with God's leading, of course.

Our first order of business is naming our breakout session and providing a few sentences to describe it.  Now...  I'm a woman who likes to talk.  And I like complete details, not snippets of information.  I generally fall on the more is more side when it comes to this sort of thing.  Yet, I only get a few sentences to describe my break-out session.

And then there's the break-out session itself.  Forty-five minutes.  As my friend Mary put it, "I can't say hello in 45 minutes!"  So...  To narrow it down, I keep asking, "What am I meant to say at this point in my life, to this audience?"

There's also a 10 second blurb in which I am to answer the question, "What does it mean to be WHOLE?"  I can gush over that for an hour, easily.

These are the things that wake me from a dead sleep in the middle of the night.  Things I think about throughout the day, every day, and even while I sleep, yet I can't quite sum any of them up in complete thoughts.

Good thing I have a month and a half.  And GREAT thing that I don't have to rely on me to come up with what to say...  I rest in the gentle assurance that God has a plan and can overcome every shortcoming I have.

In the mean time, I think.  And pray.  And blog a little.

Hmmm...  What does it mean to be WHOLE? 

Knowing who and whose I am.  Knowing that I am not defined by the sins I've committed or the sins committed against me, or what I think of myself or what others think of me, or by the things I have or the things I don't have ... but rather I am defined by what GOD says about me.  "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14.  "Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God." John 1:12 

Finally knowing what the ever-elusive parent / child relationship looks and feels like.  "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." Psalm 68:5   "He rescues you from hidden traps, shields you from deadly hazards.  His huge outstretched arms protect you - under them you're perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm." Psalm 91:2-4 (Msg). 

Living a life free from shame and secrecy, knowing first-hand the strength of the human spirit.  "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31 

Peace.  That feeling in your heart when forgiveness is real and the anger, fear and bitterness are noticeably diminished.  "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one anther, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31:32  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 

Living out the impossible - enjoying the sweet restoration of relationships.  "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18  "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness.  Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble.  But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them." 1 John 2:9-11 

Having had a sad life of despair completely exchanged for one filled with hope and joy.  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11 

God is good...all the time.  Grateful to wake up today, free from the bondage of darkness and brokenness. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  John 10:10

Sub 140

This is not at all my normal kind of post, and it's certainly not what I've been mulling around for the last week, but today is a day worth noting.  Just stepped on the scale - 139.8 (I totally wish I could make that flash in neon colors).  Honestly, I had completely surrendered to my weight gain last fall.  I even gave away this adorable red winter coat that I absolutely loved, but knew there was no way it would ever fit again.

Steph, I don't want it back...  I'll just be forced now to buy another one.  Ooooh - we can be twins.

When I registered for my triathlon last summer, I considered the Athena division for women over 155.  Right now I'm shaking my head at myself as, aloud, I'd questioned: "Does anyone my age weigh under 155?"  I had surrendered and, still being fairly slender and within my normal healthy weight range, I assumed that the older we get, the heavier we weigh.

When I impulsively started this weight loss journey on March 1, I weighed in at 161.  Pinch me!  I'm down 21.5 pounds and the shorts I'm wearing are completely falling off of me!  Back to school shopping is going to be really special this year...  Mama gets some new clothes too - only, opposite the children, mine will be smaller and not BIGGER.

Cori, thanks for casually complaining about the diet you were on...  Your complaining prompted our life change.

Nebraska...the good life.

I can't believe that one week from today will be July 1.  Who gave summer permission to fly by so quickly?

Bryan just had an unexpected long weekend...the first REAL WEEKEND he's had since starting his job in September...so we took advantage of it and headed up to Nebraska for some camping.  You know, since it IS the good life.

 

We'd heard great things about their state parks, and the parks did not disappoint.

We tented, of course.

At Louisville State Recreation Area.  It was packed.  Only 10 spots left in the entire campground when we made our reservations online five days prior.

We had a shady spot, close to air-conditioned restrooms and shower house.  And close to the river.  There were people everywhere - floating down the river, fishing, swimming, playing tag, riding bikes...  And a dude driving the Mystery Machine.

 
Our spot was gorgeous.  In the back of the park - tents only, no RV's.  I don't know that our kids had ever seen so many fireflies or stars.  And we saw the space station fly overhead as we turned off the lantern for bed on the last night.

We played Uno in the tent every night.  And roasted marshmallows and enjoyed lots of s'mores.  We landed on good radio stations - oldies and some classic rock.  Oldies as in REAL oldies, not the 70's, 80's and 90's stuff stations are passing off as "oldies".  Each morning we had delicious pancakes and biscuits and gravy in a downtown cafe - one that serves homemade pies and malts.  While waiting for breakfast, we played Dominoes.  I won once.  In the car, we listened to the iPod, and I read Harry Potter to the family.  Good thing I don't get carsick while reading in the car.

We visited the Strategic Air and Space Museum.  It would have been really fun and fascinating five years ago when Zach was obsessed with space, but it was still a very fun learning experience.  So many awesome planes and interactive games and activities.

But I was so tired that I actually fell asleep for a few minutes...gasp!  I did NOT sleep the night before.

After the air and space museum, we broke for a late lunch and then headed over to the Lee G. Simmons Conservation Park and Wildlife Safari.  We saw a lot of animals and gorgeous land as we drove through the park, and enjoyed a mile hike around the bears and wolves.  We were only able to catch glimpses of the wolves as they ran through the brush, but a bear came out as I made kissing sounds at it.  I would never have thought that a crazy bear would respond to this silly mom entertaining her youngest child, but evidently he finds my kisses irresistible too.  Luke thinks I'm a bear whisperer [kisser] now.

Did I mention that we tented through a horrible downpour on our first night?  This is why I was so tired at the museum...  And some water pooled under our tent in spots, so the rest of the weekend it felt like we were walking on a waterbed.  But the pooled up water was nothing compared to the lightening and thunder...  Why must it always storm when we camp?  One of these days Bryan is going to mean it when he declares it his LAST time tenting.

Thankfully, it was perfectly smooth sailing after that stormy night.  Clear skies.  Blue by day, starry by night.

I forgot to mention that we went to an Omaha Storm Chasers game on Friday night too.  It was a beautiful night for baseball.  And we enjoyed a Storm Chasers win!

On our final day, we stopped by the Ak-Sar-Ben Aquarium at Schramm SRA.  It cost us all of $2.50 in admission fees and we learned a lot and had a great time.  A must see, for sure.  Our favorite thing there is the classroom with interactive games and an awesome touch table - AWESOME!  And...  As our final bit of vacation fun, we opted for a swim at the water park at Eugene T. Mahoney State Park in lieu of showers.  Yea, that's how we roll.  We surfed, slid, swam and splashed till our hearts content...  No pictures though, as the camera battery died last night. 

On the drive home we were already brainstorming plans for our next Nebraska camping trip.  Good times.  Nebraska is ... the good life.

Rapidly growing

To my youngest son,

Lots of tears have been shed and protests made as your older brother goes off to events that you can't attend...  School field trips, field day, sports camps, overnights, birthday parties, etc.  "He gets to do everything and I get to do nothing."  You are so sad sometimes....but this just comes with the territory of being the younger brother, and not even a kindergartner yet.  But, your time is rapidly approaching.

Rapidly.

Until then, I want you to know that you have something he doesn't have.  You have more grown-up alone time with me and I absolutely love it!  When he was your age, I was pretty busy chasing around his high-maintenance, strong-willed, not-quite-three-year-old brother.  When he was your age, we were bound to the house more.  He still watched Go Diego Go and Bob the Builder - imagine the horror.  We did not operate then like you and I do now.  You'd call it, well, baby'ish.

You are my super handy helpmate.  I love when you help me with chores.  When you rinse dishes.  Or clear the table.  Or take out the trash.  Or vacuum.  Or scrub the bathrooms.  Or help me sweep the floor.  Or fetch things under furniture.  I love when you help me with laundry, schlepping clothes from the the laundry table (also known as our dining room table) up to your closet or dresser.  And I love when you help me make the beds.  You are also great help in the yard - pulling weeds, digging holes, watering, raking leaves, planting.  Never, ever, complaining or asking what your brother has done to help.  You are HAPPY to be helping - with your head high and your chest sticking out like the man you fancy yourself being.  You are an incredible help to me around the house, and I will fondly hold these memories in my heart forever. 

You are also a most awesome shopping companion.  Reading the list, ticking things off, checking prices, and even scanning items at self check.  You are a great help loading and unloading the van.  And you sometimes help put things away at home.  I love to have you around when I shop.

And carpooling...  How many times have I interrupted your play time with, "C'mon, Buddy.  It's time to go get the kids."?  You promptly meet me at the door asking where we're going and who we might be giving a ride to.  Somehow it never feels like you're the little bro tagging along, but, rather, a second chaperone who just happens to still ride in a booster seat.  Perhaps this is why you are always telling Zach what to do..."Don't forget your water bottle.  Put that in the trash.  Buckle your seat belt.  Don't run in the parking lot."

And there are all the priceless conversations we've had along the way.  Endless listings of rides you're going to conquer this summer at Worlds of Fun, or ideas you have for your 6th birthday party, or school supplies you want to buy for kindergarten.  Questions about nature, animals, God, space, etc..  Stories you tell me about outings with Grandpa, playtime with friends, and games you play with Zach.  When you confide in me things you're afraid of or want to learn.  Questions you have about school or sports.  You even ask about family history.  I like talking to you.

I can't even imagine what these mundane, daily activities are going to look like when you're away at school next year.  Time has flown by.  Rapidly.

This is probably little consolation, for who wouldn't rather be at a birthday party than scrubbing a toilet?  But, for me, this time in your life...when you're simply not old enough to be on the go all the time...has been precious.  I've loved having you all to myself and will miss you when you go off to school.  I'm so glad God gave you to me.  Love you, Buddy.

PS:  Before you get the wrong impression and think I only had you so you could help me around the house...  Know that I love ALL the things we do - and the majority is crafts, board games, books, library days, museum trips, parks, sports, playdates, etc.  I just want you to know how special it is to me that - at this time in your life - we fit very well into each others lives.  I'm guessing that once you start school, I'll take care of all of "my" things while you're at school and our family schedule and activities will pretty much revolve around you and your brother.