I just came home from a women's event at church... It was a celebration of sisterhood. I cried last night in anticipation of going alone. I cried on Tuesday night when I did go to a church function alone... I don't know the official term for those tears, but I was certainly feeling some anxiety.
I cried through the worship music today... until I felt God's overwhelming comfort arrive as we sang "strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord... He lifts us up on wings like eagles." I adore that song. And I adore my God who gives me strength and lifts me up to soaring heights!
As my friend Gwen started speaking, I had to leave the room. Not to hide in the bathroom, but because I needed something to take notes on!!! She hit the nail on the head for me today.
We need community. I need community.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
The truth is, my anxiety comes from the anticipation of this question... "How are you? What's going on in your life?"
A handful of not-so-great things have happened in recent weeks and I'm struggling...
My husband lost his job two weeks ago and it looks to be the longest lay-off we've ever faced. I'm scared.
And our health insurance might run out while he's laid-off. If that happens, it will cost us a lot to cover it ourselves (quarterly). Scared again.
And this morning I read on the front page of the paper that a local car plant has lost another car model, causing more job loss in our area. Now I want to slug whoever got our country into this economic mess. (Because surly it is just one person's fault, right?!)
Bryan and I have talked a few times about my temporarily returning to work. Frankly, that makes me mad. That was never the plan (our plan).
And now that Bryan's my co-stay-at-home-parent, I've been upset with him and a little resentful... Shockingly (tongue in cheek), he does not do things my way.
I have been beating myself up for having such a hard time. Somewhere I got this insane idea that a wife, mother and support group leader is disqualified if she shows weakness. You know, if my life isn't perfectly ordered and under control... And, for whatever twisted reason, this rule applies to me only.
Aside from Bryan, no one knew that I was having a hard time. And I hadn't intended to tell anyone today, but my tears just wouldn't stop.
As I listened to my friend Gwen speak, I heard her say that "going solo will take you farther than you ever wanted to go and cost you more than you ever wanted to pay." In my case, it was taking me into a dark, sad, lonely place. It was costing me genuine time spent with real friends. So, today... A little to my embarrassment (after all, we were standing in the middle of the church lobby) I just let it go. I got real again with my community. My girls. {They helped me cry.}
Oh... How I appreciate everyone who organized today's event that breathed such an awesome breath of life back into me. I do love my community.
2 comments:
I love you, and I love your genuineness! Please know that our family is your community as well and understand your anxiety. God is so good, and He can take all of your anxiety, anger, and resentment and turn it into peace, strength, and joy!
I am just reading this now. Thank you for your kind words. You are an influencer of women. No question. As you share your heart through your tears and your blog, Others no longer share there pain alone in the emptiness. You are a hero in His Kingdom and this world.
And by the way, I usually go to most church functions alone too. Troy is usually serving in some capacity. Anytime, please come and sit with me. Anytime, anybody. I have done a paradise shift in my mind....I am having a date with Jesus. Try it!
I am overwhelmed by the response of yesterdays talk. I had over 20+ pages of notes and hours of study and walked up to Mary before it started and said, "I got nothing, I am going to fall on my face in
front of all these people. No revelation from Him. But if God wants me to fall on my face in humiliation, I will do it."
As Mary was introducing me, she talked about the scripture Psa. 40. "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him." I knew what I needed to do. I needed to talk about being brought out of the mire and the clay. Testimony of God's faithfulness as a unsaved person and as a Christ follower. And did His work with the women at WFC and I got out of the way.
So girl, lets charge hell with a squirt gun and bond together in community. Trade families with a couple of your gal friends. Not like wife swapping, lol, but pray for each others family for 30 days. You will have the emotional energy to do this for someone else. And the other gals will take on your families burdens. God will make a way. Wait upon the Lord.
In His Grip,
Gwen
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